Dont get married

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their
first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all
excited -- she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the
features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.
"Hi hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell. There's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
#####

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do
the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart.
#####
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an
electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the
couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The
electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current
would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, and wore a
sly grin, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of
the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows.

Dear friends,

We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only
a minor setback. But, I swear to God Almighty, I'm going to kill the
idiot who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.

The Perfect Day According To :
HER
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained
30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During
the first intermission he had to take a leak in the
worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he
finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and
since nobody was watching, so he decided to
take a leak right there.

When he finally got back into the auditorium, the
second act had already begun. He searched in
the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much
of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said indignantly, "You were in it!"

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide
to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their
hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be
gentle,... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom asks, "How can that be? You've been married 3
times before."
The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist
and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do
was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
ever wanted to do was............. God I miss him!"
"But you're a lawyer, so now I know I'm gonna get screwed!