War On Terror

Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than American say our country is on the right track. Boy, there�s a campaign slogan for you -- 'America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!-Bill Maher

Teresa Heinz Kerry predicted at a fund-raiser the other day that Osama bin Laden will be captured just before the election. Of course when President Bush heard he was furious. He said, 'How did she find out?'-Jay Leno

During a speech this week John Kerry said if President Bush is re-elected he might bring back a military draft. When asked, Bush said, 'Trust me, even if I bring back the draft there are plenty of ways to get around it.-Conan O'Brien

In the war on terrorism � Osama bin Laden�s cook and chauffeur have been captured. You get the feeling this is not the big victory republicans were hoping for�.-Jay Leno

More good news. It seems we're now closing in on bin Laden's pool boy and Pilates instructor. -Jay Leno

Homeland Security

The Presidential Election

Another 100 degree day today here in Los Angeles. I tell ya, people were sweating like John Kerry watching the latest poll numbers.-Jay Leno

President Bush's hometown newspaper in Crawford, Texas, has endorsed John Kerry. Well President Bush doesn't know about it, cause it was in his newspaper.-Jay Leno

The Republican Convention

VP Dick Cheney spoke tonight at the convention. His speech was interrupted 15 times by applause and 5 times by heart attacks. -Jay Leno

Did you all see some of those protestors in New York City? Some of them made it hard for the cops to arrest them by lying down in the street and remaining completely motionless. They say they got the idea from watching the New York Yankees. -Jay Leno

Dick Cheney gave a helluva speech. It was interrupted by heart paddles twice. -David Letterman

Last night Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at the convention. This marked the first time a body builder has addressed the convention since, well, Janet Reno. -David Letterman

The Presidential Debates

The ground rules for the debates: The candidates must remain at least 10 feet apart, and they cannot talk directly to one another. It's actually based on the John Kerry-Teresa Heinz Kerry pre-nup agreement.-David Letterman

Well, the first Kerry-Bush debate between President Bush and John Kerry takes place Thursday in Miami. And today, thousands of local residents began evacuating.-David Letterman

Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they'll do on the debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, 'Hey, what does "formable" mean?'-Jay Leno

Problems at Kerry debate prep: They keep trying to tell him he doesn't talk like a regular average Joe and he said, 'Au contraire!"-Jay Leno

I tell you, Bush is working very hard getting prepared for these debates. He got one of those 'Hooked on Phonics' tapes.-Jay Leno

Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn't get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message.-Jay Leno

Everyone is talking about the ground rules. Kerry wants his podium to be tall enough so he can rest his hands. And President Bush wants it to be wide enough to hide Dick Cheney.-Conan O'Brien

Are you all ready for the presidential debate this Thursday? It's kind of like "The Apprentice" except WE get to fire somebody.-Jay Leno

Before the debate, Bush is concerned about the lectern, he's worried about the room temperature and the lighting. Kerry is making the mistake of worrying about the issues.-David Letterman

The first presidential debate is Thursday in Florida. I think it's Bush's way of saying thank-you for that last crooked election.-David Letterman

They say this debate is already helping the economy. In fact, millions of people are buying large-screen TV sets so they can see Kerry's entire head.-Jay Leno

All the experts have been on TV saying the one thing that each candidate must do to win. Like Kerry can't look like a know-it-all. And Bush can't be too simplistic. So basically the entire presidential race comes down to this, the smart guy has to look a little dumber, and the dumb guy has to look a little smarter. To win, each guy has to pretend to be more like the other guy.-Jay Leno

The debate deal for three debates almost fell apart because John Kerry did not want a light to flash when his time was almost up. And George Bush didn't want a light to flash because he's easily distracted.-Jay Leno

Al Gore had a column in the paper yesterday, called 'How to debate George Bush.' I tell you it was right next to Dan Rather's column, 'How to spot forged documents.-Jay Leno

Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week to prepare for the debates. In fact, he's having a microchip implanted in his ear. This will allow Dick Cheney to speak to him directly. 'It's pronounced 'Fallujah' 'Abu Ghraib.'-Jay Leno

There were an awful lot of rules for the debate. For instance, a light would flash when your two minutes are up. ... President Clinton did the same thing for interns.-David Letterman

Kerry's people have been advising him to keep it simple. They say Kerry always gets the biggest pay off when he uses the shortest sentences. Like when he said 'I do.'-David Letterman

A lot of people underestimate President Bush when it comes to a debate. He's pretty good at it. You know back in college he was able to argue both sides of that 'Taste great, less filling' debate.-Jay Leno

Each candidate has agreed to 32 pages of rules. I'm telling you, it's like being a J. Lo husband.-David Letterman

A rule that Bush and Kerry wanted is that you can't move from your position behind the podium, they can't move. Which made it tough on Kerry, you know, not being allowed to change positions.-Jay Leno

Bush wants to show that John Kerry is confused. You know you're in trouble when you're running against George Bush and you're the one who looks confused.-David Letterman

The security at the debate, you can understand this, was very tight. They even searched the bags under Jim Lehrer's eyes.-David Letterman

Bush and Kerry debated foreign policy in Miami. Is Miami having a bad year or what? Haven't these people suffered enough?-David Letterman

During the debate there were several tense moments when President Bush and Kerry got into it with each other. Not only that, Ralph Nader got into a heated discussion with the guy at the McDonald's drive-through.-Conan O'Brien

The Democrats think Kerry won and the Republicans all think Bush won. Well, the swing voters, they were all watching porno.-Jay Leno

Bush didn't have a good night. I don't think he's choked that much since the last time he had a pretzel.-Jay Leno

The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss. Well, of course he did. His wife owns all the coins.-Jay Leno

Last night was the first presidential debate and it lasted a full 90 minutes. Or, as President Bush calls it, three Sponge Bobs.-Conan O'Brien

Did you know that George Bush actually used a short lectern during the debate to make him look taller? Coincidentally, in his debate, to make him look taller, Clinton used a short intern.-David Letterman

There were some verbal gaffes. Bush said he had met with a war widow, and quote, 'tried to love her as best I could.' Which isn't easy when there's a guy at the foot of the bed playing 'Taps.'-Bill Maher

I don't want to say Bush blew it, but this morning, hurricane victims were comforting him.-Bill Maher

Last night's debate was about foreign policy. And if you saw it, you know Bush spent the entire time bragging about the capture of Cat Stevens.-David Letterman

That's it for George W. Bush. He will not have to participate in the next debate. Yeah, his dad got him out of it.-David Letterman

I don't want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious and is fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes.-Bill Maher

Ralph Nader

Ralph Nader says he is going to participate in the presidential debates. OK, he'll be at home yelling at the screen.-Jay Leno

Ralph Nader couldn't get into the debates in Florida. But here's the good news: Nader will be making a special appearance on 'CSI: Miami' as a guest cadaver.-David Letterman

John Kerry

A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?'-Jay Leno

Well, the terror level on John Kerry's face has been raised to orange. First, he gets the Botox. Now, he's got the rich tan. Apparently the senator's confused. The Miss America pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact, it was reported Kerry got a bikini wax.-Jay Leno

This just in -- CBS says it can no longer vouch for the authenticity of John Kerry's tan.-David Letterman

John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the senate. Nobody�s going to look for him there. -Jay Leno

George Bush

President Bush met with the prime minister of Greece. In the meeting, Bush praised the Greek people by saying, 'You gave the world Plato, which I once ate a can of.-Conan O'Brien

Governor Schwarzenegger

Arnold is a powerful weapon for the GOP. He appeals to Republicans, Democrats, Liberals, Conservatives - everybody but film critics.-Jay Leno

California lawmakers just approved tough new anti-pollution legislation. If it goes through, California would have the toughest emissions standards in the country. Ironically, our governor owns five Hummers and chain smokes cigars. He�s the pollutiest governor ever � the man is doing everything but burning tires on his front lawn, and he�s passing this legislation. He also came out strongly against steroids, foreign accents, and frequent use of movie catch phrases.-Jimmy Kimmel

The Economy

Politics

George Bush and Laura appeared on the 'Dr. Phil' show this week. Among the questions, Dr. Phil asked him what he thought about the epidemic of oral sex in high schools. I don't know if he understood what he was talking about, because right afterwards, Bush cancelled all funding for Head Start. -Bill Maher

Here�s the hypocrite of the week award, in Virginia, Congressman Ed Schrock, who opposed gay marriage and gays in the military suddenly dropped out of the race after allegations came out he called some gay sex hotline. You know who answered the phone? The Governor of New Jersey!-Jay Leno

The Log Cabin Republicans, you know who they are. They don�t like Hillary Clinton but they love what she�s done with her hair.-David Letterman

Al Gore

Former Vice President Al Gore got a speeding ticket in Oregon last week. Apparently, he was going nowhere fast.-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Extreme Weather

Here�s some important news. The U.S. is bracing for its third hurricane this year. When John Kerry heard this he said, "This is proof that President Bush is losing the war on weather.� -David Letterman

Popular Culture

Movies And Television

Mel Gibson�s film "The Passion of The Christ� was released on DVD yesterday. You know I tried to buy it, but they were sold out, so I just got "Hellboy� instead. -Jay Leno

Sports

Did you see that Yankees - Indians game last night? The Yankees lost 22 to nothing! Last time the Yankees got beaten that bad by the Indians it was Little Big Horn!-Jay Leno

It was so bad, I saw a bunch of Yankees players on rafts going back to Cuba. They said, "That�s it! We�re out of here."-Jay Leno