War On Terror

Have you been following the trial of Saddam Hussein? In an angry bitter tone, Saddam Hussein claimed he is the real president of his country and denounced George W. Bush as nothing more than a criminal. No, I'm sorry, that was Al Gore.-Jay Leno

The big story in Washington is that the Bush administration is desperate to find Osama bin Laden before the election. They are said to be using all means possible to find him. In fact today they typed his name into Google - which is a start. -Jay Leno

The Philippines announced they're withdrawing all their troops. All 51 of them. 51? P. Diddy has a bigger posse than that. "Come on, everybody in the Humvee. We're leaving." -Jay Leno

Politics

Thank you for coming out on another hot day. What was it 91-92 degrees today? Man, I was sweatin' like President Bush watching "Farenheit 9/11".-Jay Leno

How many of you have seen that movie? There was one controversial scene where for seven minutes on the morning of September 11th, they show President Bush sitting in an elementary school room in Florida, and he doesn't get up, he just sits there and reads a children's book. Michael Moore thinks this makes President Bush look bad showing him unprepared to deal with the crisis. Really? Gee, I think it makes President Bush look good. Did you know he could read a children's book in seven minutes?-Jay Leno

In Israel, scientists have concluded that communist dictator Vladimir Lenon actually died from syphilis. His last words were "Okay, maybe I did have sexual relations with that woman." -Jay Leno

Here's something I read in the paper today, Ted Kennedy plans to write a children's book but it's going to be from the point of view of his dog, Splash. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but isn't that the worst possible name he could come up with for his dog? He named his dog Splash! Isn't that like Bill Clinton naming his dog B.J.? -Jay Leno

Today is President Bush's birthday and it's also Sylvester Stallone's birthday. They're both 58 years old. What are the odds that two of the most eloquent masters of English language would be born on the same day. -Jay Leno

Earlier today Howard Dean debated Ralph Nader. Why?! -Jay Leno

Ralph Nader and Howard Dean held a debate. They debated why they held a debate. -Craig Kilborn

Some members of the Republican leadership are urging President Bush to drop Dick Cheney from the ticket. Dick Cheney says that he will be replaced over his dead body. Then the Republican leadership responded - "Hey we can't wait until next Thursday. We got to move now!" -Jay Leno

Republicans are also looking for ways to boost President Bush's approval rating. They might have him land on an aircraft carrier wearing a Spiderman costume. -Jay Leno

Here's something shocking - according to the latest issue of "Newsweek" magazine, the Bush administration officials are reviewing a proposal that would allow for the postponement of the presidential election in the event of a catastrophe. You know like Kerry winning. -Jay Leno

President Reagan's son Ron Reagan is going to be a featured speaker at the Democratic convention. President Bush says he is not worried. He said, "Who wants to listen to the son of a former president speak at a convention?" -Jay Leno

After 7 years as CIA Director, George Tenet officially resigned as of yesterday. His final words of advice to the agency were "Keep an eye out for this bin Laden fella, he could be trouble." -Jay Leno

It was so hot today, executives from the NAACP tried to meet with President Bush just so they could get the cold shoulder. -Jay Leno

In fact it was so hot today, Bush said, "That's it, we may have to postpone the presidential election. -Jay Leno

I'm sure you've heard - there's talk of the possibility of delaying the presidential election in the event of a terrorist attack. Which would mean an even longer presidential campaign. I got an idea - how about moving up the elections instead? Let's have them next week and get this thing over with. How many are sick of it already? -Jay Leno

Imagine if they delay the election? This could mean that Bush would be the longest serving president never to get elected. -Jay Leno

And the big convention kickoff. Monday's theme: 'The Kerry-Edwards plan for America's future.' It was a powerful message lacking only Kerry, Edwards, and a plan for America's future. In its stead: dance party!-Jon Stewart

President Bush says he does not want to be known as the war president. He'd prefer to be known as the peace president. It's like when they started calling used cars pre-owned.-Jimmy Kimmel

In what will have to pass as the convention's biggest surprise, Ron Reagan Jr., son of the recently sainted Republican president, will address the convention on the subject of stem cell research. The Republican attack machine has already countered by announcing their convention's keynote address will be delivered by Roger Clinton on the subject of, 'I Thought You Said There'd Be Girls Here."-Jon Stewart

John Kerry

You know about John Kerry's wife? Theresa Heinz of the Heinz ketchup family. She's worth more than what we thought. She's worth a billion dollars! How much ketchup are we using?!-Craig Kilborn

Last night at a fundraiser in New York City John Kerry played "This Land Is Your Land On Guitar" while many celebrities sang it with him. Later Kerry admitted that much of this land is owned by his wife.-Conan O'Brien

Here's something interesting - it now turns out John Kerry is twice as rich as previously thought. Remember they thought his wife was worth $500 million? Turns out now she's worth almost a billion! Today President Bush said, see this is proof his tax cuts are working. -Jay Leno

That explains why Kerry picked Edwards. Kerry is worth a billion and Edwards is worth $50 million so this way they represent both the haves and the really haves.-Jay Leno

It's being reported that John Kerry and John Edwards are together worth more a half billion dollars. According to John Kerry and John Edwards that they are so rich now they are going to vote Republican.-Conan O'Brien

John Kerry chose John Edwards to be his running mate. I haven't seen this much electricity since Dole-Kemp.-David Letterman

John Kerry skipped a meeting over Homeland Security with Tom Ridge because he was too busy. John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to attend. You're not supposed to ignore terror threats until after you become president. -David Letterman

This John Kerry and John Edwards ticket is going better than expected. The two have been everywhere together. In fact today they went to Massachusetts and got married. -David Letterman

Have you been watching Kerry and Edwards on the campaign trial? These guys have done more hugging in four days than Bill and Hillary have done in 26 years? -Jay Leno

Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter's hearts - but Cheney is looking for a donor. -Jay Leno

Of course Kerry and Edwards are traveling around the country with their big "hands across each other" tour. -Jay Leno

Teresa Heinz said on "60 Minutes" Sunday that it was important for her and Elizabeth Edwards to keep their husbands honest. Afterwards Hillary Clinton said "Good luck - let me know how that works out - let me know how it's going". -Jay Leno

John Edwards

The big story - as I'm sure you know, earlier today, John Kerry has picked John Edwards as his running mate. That's great! The "New York Post" this morning published an edition where they wrote that Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. They had it on the front page. Apparently the post blamed their new researcher - Jayson Blair. -Jay Leno

The "New York Post" reported John Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. But at the last second, John Kerry decided to go with a candidate with eyebrows.-Jay Leno

If anything, Kerry's decision only cements his reputation as a flip-flopper. First he doesn't have a running mate, now he has a running mate. C'mon man, make up your mind.-Rob Corddry

As you know John Edwards is a former trial lawyer. Which is a smart move considering the last election was decided in court. Kerry may need him to step in and sue or something. -Jay Leno

John Kerry said, "I can't tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team", especially after John McCain turned me down. -Jay Leno

As I'm sure you know, John Edwards earned a fortune from medical malpractice. So he and Dick Cheney have something in common. They both know what it's like to chase an ambulance.-Jay Leno

The attacks have already started - John Edwards is too inexperienced to be president, he's too flashy, he's not up to the job. And those are just the things John Kerry said in the primary. -Jay Leno

Well good news for John Edwards, it's been 24 hours and John Kerry hasn't changed his mind...so it's going to hold...it's still holding -Jay Leno

Let me tell you something - this Edwards guy is going to be trouble for the Bush-Cheney ticket. He's charismatic so that's going to hurt Cheney and he can talk so that's going to hurt Bush. -Jay Leno

I want to see the vice presidential debate. I want to see the between John Edwards and Dick Cheney. It's going to look like Dennis the Menace debating Mr. Wilson. -Jay Leno

John Kerry says that John Edwards is ready to be vice president. Ready? It takes a blue suite and pulse to be ready! -Jay Leno

And we know that Dick Cheney proved that you don't even need the pulse. -Jay Leno

John Edwards said he was humbled when John Kerry asked him to be his vice presidential running mate. I guess so. You know what's really humbling? When Ralph Nader asks you to be his vice president. In fact, that's not even humbling - ego-shattering. -Jay Leno

Some polls show John Edwards with higher approval than Dick Cheney. That's pretty amazing, isn't it? For the first time ever, the lawyer is ahead of the guy in the ambulance. -Jay Leno

The Economy

Today the Bush administration announced that gas prices have fallen for the sixth week in a row, and we can expect an continued downward trend . . . Yeah, right through, what, oh I don't know, maybe election day? -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Some sad news up in Canada this past weekend, Tonya Harding was knocked in the third round of her boxing match. You know what Tonya Harding calls a broken nose, a black eye and a split lip? A makeover. -Jay Leno

Bill Clinton's book, god bless him, is even flying off the shelves here in Los Angeles. Which is amazing, cause people here don't read. Normally the only time books fly off shelves here is during an earthquake. -Jay Leno

Tommy Chong is on the show tonight. He flew in on the red eye. -Jay Leno

He brought a clip with him - a roach clip, but it's a clip. -Jay Leno

Tommy has been released from prison. He's here tonight to tell his story. I think he got screwed. He feels that the government used him as an example to high profile celebrities. If you sell a bong you go to jail. If you murder your wife - hey don't worry about that. -Jay Leno

John Tesh turned 50 today. His wife gave him a present so that he could listen to his music in their home - an elevator. -Jay Leno

Courtney Love was rushed to the hospital today. I don't know what condition she's in but I think we can rule out "stable". -Craig Kilborn

Florida officials have announced that this November, they will allow felons to vote. Finally some good news for Martha Stewart. -Jay Leno

Sharon Stone is on the show tonight. She's in the movie "Catwoman". She's starring in "Catwoman". And Chris Matthews is here from "Hardball". So it's kind of a "Hairball" - "Hardball" kind of show. -Jay Leno

Al Sharpton is signed on to host a show on Spike TV. It's called 'I Hate My Job.' It focuses on people who aren't getting anywhere in their jobs and give them career makeovers. His first subject - Al Sharpton.-Jimmy Kimmel

Popular Culture

Today in Pamplona, Spain, the annual running of the morons got underway. The idiot running of the bulls, or, as the bulls call it, "revenge of the Atkins Diet."-Jay Leno

"People" magazine has come out with its list of Hollywood's 50 hottest bachelors. Take it easy ladies - the first 25 are dating the last 25. -Craig Kilborn

The cicadas are finally gone. They came and made a lot of noise. Now they are gone and won't return for 17 years. Which means the next time they return it might be in time for the Michael Jackson trial. -David Letterman

Pope John Paul the 2nd has apologized to Istanbul for the sacking of Constantinople in the year 1204. How old is the pope? I knew he was old. -Jay Leno

Health & Fitness

This weekend it's the big Coney Island Hotdog eating competition. And as always the winner receives a $1,000 prize and colon cancer.-David Letterman

They say the latest food craze in the Ukraine is chocolate covered pork fat. Or as we call them here, Oreos. -Jay Leno

Have you seen these commercials for Kentucky Fried Chicken's new collectable buckets? How gross is that? What are you collecting, grease? -Jay Leno

Sports

You're excited about the 4th of July weekend. Let me tell you everyone in New York City can't wait to get out of the city - especially the Boston Red Sox.-David Letterman

Let's see what's going on in sports. The Lakers still don't have a head coach. But hey, don't have a team either so it doesn't make any difference. -Jay Leno

Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. What was it 100 degrees today? I know we joke about it, but we lost one man to the heat today - Shaquille O'Neal. -Jay Leno

The Lakers announced over the weekend they agreed to trade Shaq to the Miami Heat. They figure Shaq could be the first dominating seven footer in South Florida since Janet Reno.-Jay Leno

Kobe is really excited about the trade. He said he's looking forward to having a new group of teammates not to pass the ball to! -Jay Leno