War On Terror
Well the "L.A. Times" reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough - in fact today he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45%. -Jay Leno
Today President Bush said he's working hard to cut off al-Qaeda's finances. He says he wants to bankrupt them. And believe me, he�s the man to do it. He drove three companies into bankruptcy, what�s one more? -Jay Leno
The good news -- the president has announced the troops will finally be coming home. The bad news -- not the troops you're thinking of and not for another 10 years. ... Troops stationed in such cold war hot spots like Japan, Germany and Korea will leave and start heading home, and oh, end up in Iraq.-Jon Stewart
I guess read this in "Time" magazine today, President Bush now says the problems we're having in Iraq are because we won the war too quickly. He says the war was "a catastrophic success." He's also calling the economy a "disastrous achievement." -Jay Leno
Homeland Security
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said in a press conference yesterday that several of our major financial institutions are in danger of being hit by terrorists. When John Kerry heard about this, he immediately placed Teresa Heinz Kerry in an undisclosed location! -Jay Leno
Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down as head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused to comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a desire to spend more time at home, scaring his family.-Jon Stewart
Well today the White House released a terror warning for the Olympics. Okay, it was the 1980 Olympics. They admit the information is a little old. -Jay Leno
As you know, terrorist threats have been made against specific buildings. And I�m thinking, why don�t we just surround these buildings with our National Guard troops? Oh, that�s right, they�re all in Iraq.-Jay Leno
According to the "Wall Street Journal", al Qaeda�s new strategy is to destroy our financial institutions and bring the nations big businesses and major corporations to its knees. No wait I�m sorry that�s Ralph Nader�s platform. I�m sorry.-Jay Leno
Actually it was kind of funny, Wall Street had so many police on duty, out of force of habit, 200 CEO�s turned themselves in. -Jay Leno
The Republican Convention is coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the month. Everyone is getting ready for the convention. The crack dealers are switching to Viagra.-David Letterman
Now the FBI says that al Qaeda may attempt to use limousines in future terrorist attacks. You know what that means? Jayson Williams could be our first line of defense.-Jay Leno
Here's something interesting - today marks the 30th anniversary of the resignation of President Richard Nixon. Talk about embarrassing - the Deparment of Homeland Security said, "What Nixon resigned? Why weren't we told?" -Jay Leno
And today the terror threat in Vegas was raised from "who cares" to "not interested". -Jay Leno
Here's something scary - the Justice Department revealed today that two years ago they had video surveillance which suggested that terrorists were targeting Las Vegas, but the public was not told about it because they thought it would hurt tourism. You think?! So even the terror alerts fall under "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." -Jay Leno
Hey Kev, you know where the terrorists stayed? At the Aladdin and the Sahara. -Jay Leno
I guess you heard this story that terrorist threats were made against Las Vegas but city officials didn't want them made public. Now some people are accusing Vegas of putting money ahead of people. No!!! It's always the people you least expect. Mayberry maybe, but Las Vegas? -Jay Leno
On the tapes these terrorists called Las Vegas "the city of Satan". Well you can't argue with them there. -Jay Leno
Plans by Al Qaeda to blow up casinos in Las Vegas were stopped last year. Does that make sense though? If you want to destroy a casino - just hire Donald Trump to run it. -Conan O'Brien
The Republican National Convention
Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions? Like at the Democratic Convention, Kerry�s daughter told a story about how her dad once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican Convention, the Bush girls are going to tell the story of how, when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair. -Jay Leno
Secretary of State Colin Powell announced yesterday that he will not be attending the Republican Convention. Uuhh ooh...so I guess they're going to have to find another black guy. -Jay Leno
The Republican National Convention is in town. There�s a lot of protesters here. It feels just like the 60�s. The air is just full of that aroma of tear gas and weed. -David Letterman
If you�re a delegate and going to the convention you�re going to get frisked, patted down, groped - and that�s just by Arnold Schwarzenegger. -David Letterman
The highlight will be at the end of the week when President Bush shows up for one day - you know just like he did in the National Guard. -David Letterman
The Republican National Convention starts next week here in New York City. That means next week you won�t be able to find a cab or a hooker. -David Letterman
Tonight in New York City, the Republicans began their convention in the traditional way - with a prayer . . . for more money. -Jay Leno
A lot of Republicans arrived at the convention in swift boats, or as they call them, yachts.-Jay Leno
The Republican National Convention is going on right now here in New York. A lot of the delegates have been attending Broadway shows. A spokesman for the delegates said that this is the first time a lot of us have ever seen what a gay person looks like.-Conan O'Brien
The Republicans are in town this week. Don�t worry they�re only here until New Yorkers are capable of self rule. -David Letterman
So far during the convention there�s been people naked in the streets. There�s been all night parties. There�s been arrests. And that�s just the Bush twins. -David Letterman
Monday�s theme was courage. Tuesday�s is compassion. And Wednesday and Thursday�s theme is gas and oil.-Jay Leno
Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke tonight at the convention. At first they were planning on having Arnold speak on the same night as President Bush but, then they realized, oh no, the convention interpreter�s head would have exploded. -Jay Leno
Security is very tight at the Republican Convention. In fact, even the NRA people are only allowed to bring one gun each. One gun per person. -Jay Leno
The Presidential Election
Dick Cheney has been all over the airwaves this week ridiculing John Kerry for using the word 'sensitivity' in his approach to the war. Then Kerry shot back with all kind of instances where both Cheney and Bush had used the word 'sensitive.' At one point the exchange got so heated that they forgot who was rubber and who was glue.-Bill Maher
Republicans are now trying to energize their Amish vote. Dick Cheney is really pandering to the Amish. Today he told a senator to go fuck thyself.-Bill Maher
Now, on the subject of the convention, most observers agreed last week brought a newly energized Democratic party, one focused on a common goal. With the party now in the spotlight, many people are wondering ...(Stewart handed a piece of paper) Oh. Terror warning. Guess I'll have to stop talking about the Democrats.-Jon Stewart
Today in Iowa President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just "talks a good game." Well at least nobody can accuse Bush of that. -Jay Leno
Did you see this? Bush and Kerry were both campaigning in Davenport, Iowa, I didn�t realize that was the hub of politics in the country, just three blocks from each other. Police said while Bush and Kerry were speaking three banks were robbed in Davenport, Iowa. I guess the criminals felt they better get the people�s money before the politicians. How does that happen? Isn�t that supposed to be the most heavily guarded place in America today?-Jay Leno
Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week President Bush has followed Kerry to Devenport, Iowa, New Mexico, Las Vegas and LA and tomorrow he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry to was Vietnam. -Jay Leno
Both candidates for president, George W. Bush and John Kerry were in Davenport, Iowa today. Sort of weird. This allowed voters the choice of being scared or bored to death.-Conan O'Brien
Yesterday President Bush was in Florida where he asked voters to once again send him to the White House. Voters in Florida said, "Hey, we never sent you in the first place. That was the Supreme Court." -Jay Leno
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry "lacks deeply held convictions". Today Kerry shot back, he said, "That's not completely true."-Jay Leno
Ralph Nader
In a huge upset, Ralph Nader has failed to gather enough signatures to get on the ballot in California. How embarrassing is that for Nader? You can't get on the ballot in California? Remember our governor's race? Imagine finding out you're not up to the legal qualifications of porn star Marey Carey or Gary Coleman. They were on the ballot! -Jay Leno
More bad news for Ralph Nader today. According to the latest poll - he's six points behind "The Manchurian Candidate". -Jay Leno
Here�s a big surprise in the latest polls - it now seems Ralph Nader is now in the double digits. There�s something like 12 people who say they�ll vote for him.-Jay Leno
Today Ralph Nader was in Las Vegas where he denounced gambling. Later he�s coming to L.A. To criticize breast implants. Find your audience. -Jay Leno
John Kerry
On Friday, it was John Edwards wedding anniversary, Edwards, Kerry and their wives all stopped at a Wendy�s to eat. That�s a tradition with the Edwards to always go to Wendy�s on their anniversary because that�s where they went on their first date so they brought the Kerry�s with them. I don�t want to say that Kerry�s wife Teresa had never been to a Wendy�s before, but she ordered the pheasant. -Jay Leno
I'm sure you heard about this - you know the Kerrys and the Edwards went to Wendy's the other day for lunch - made a big deal about it. "We're regular people going to Wendy's..." But when they got back to their bus, they secretly had a gourmet meal delivered from a nearby yacht club. So I guess there really are two Americas...and they don't like the food of the poor one. -Jay Leno
This weekend, John Kerry is going to meet with the leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe. They like Kerry because his head reminds them of a totem pole. -Jay Leno
John Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe over the weekend. Kerry said the Indian people have been disrespected in the past, and, under his administration they will be treated with the dignity and reverence that they deserve. Then he got in his Jeep Cherokee and drove away. -Jay Leno
In the latest issue of "GQ" magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. "GQ"? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn�t it be in "Fortune" or "Money" magazine? -Jay Leno
John Kerry spent yesterday wind surfing - because when you�re in a statistical dead heat you just want to kick back and relax. -David Letterman
Did you see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He�s at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows. -Jay Leno
Let's see what's going on with the Democrats, John and Teresa - or as they're called now, Cash and Kerry... -Jay Leno
John Kerry says that he has a plaque on his desk that says "The buck stops here." His wife has one on her desk that says "The two billion dollars stops here." -Craig Kilborn
According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after the campaign rally in Arizona on Sunday night and had to sleep in seperate hotel rooms. So apparently they're going after the Clinton vote. -Jay Leno
What's in the news? More trouble for John Kerry. The other night in Arizona it was reported that John Kerry and his wife Teresa got into a fight and it was so bad they slept in seperate rooms at the hotel. Actually experts are saying that the fight wasn't real and they are just going after the Clinton vote. -Conan O'Brien
Apprently what happened, while they were having an intimate moment Kerry accidentally yelled out the name "John Edwards". -Jay Leno
According to the papers today, John Kerry said today as president he would remove a large number of our troops from Iraq within the first six months. Well that's smart, don't you think, in a war it's always a good idea to tell the other side when and what your plans are. Like in football, "We're going to fake a field goal." -Jay Leno
Good news today in Boston, the balloons fell in Boston. Did you all see the problems they had with the balloons that were supposed to cascade down onto the stage after the democratic convention? Apparently they got held up. A stagehand was supposed to pull on the lever that dropped the balloons, but he didn�t do it. Finally Teresa Heinz had to get up there and yell at him "shove it ..just shove it."-Jay Leno
John Kerry and John Edwards recently published their political promises and strategies in a book. You see that�s smart putting all their ideas in a book. This way they�re certain to keep them secret from Bush.-Jay Leno
John Kerry told George Stephanopoulos Sunday that he has a secret plan for Iraq. But he said he can�t reveal it unless he�s elected president. Bush has a plan too, he just can�t talk about it either until he�s really "elected" president. -Jay Leno
Some bad news for John Kerry coming out of the Democratic Convention. The balloons didn�t fall, but apparently his poll numbers did. -Jay Leno
Did you hear about this? It�s the first time since 1972 that a candidate didn�t get a bump from their convention. In fact not only didn�t Kerry get a bump but President Bush gained 4 percentage points. And today Bush asked Kerry if he would speak at the Republican Convention too. -Jay Leno
Political experts continue to be baffled over John Kerry�s failure to get a bump in popularity after the Democratic Convention. Jimmy Carter got a bump in 1976. Ronald Reagan received a bump in 1980. And Bill Clinton not only got a bump in 1992, he got a bump and a grind. -Jay Leno
A group of 80�s rock stars are getting together for a concert to support John Kerry. It�s not going well though - Kerry and Edwards are already three points down to Hall and Oates. -Craig Kilborn
Did you hear about this? John Kerry spoke to a crowd of people in Iowa near a cornfield for a half hour - a half hour before everyone realized it was a scarecrow. -David Letterman
Today John Kerry embarked on an 1,800 mile train trip through several key battleground states. 1,800 miles on a train - that is the longest Kerry has even gone without changing direction. -Jay Leno
For the first time John Kerry has crticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment he would have told them he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something - if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. "Kids I gotta go now...kids?!...kids?!" -Jay Leno
George Bush
President Bush is back in Washington, D.C. That�s where he goes when he wants to get away from his ranch in Texas for a few weeks. -Jay Leno
Bush - Cheney have a new campaign theme - "heart and soul". I think that sounds better than their first choice - oil and gas. -Jay Leno
The Republican National Convention is about to start up. President Bush sounds like he's ready. Big interview with him in USA Today. President Bush says, 'I am not going to come in second.' Again. -Jimmy Kimmel
The new polls show that Bush is ahead. But people say Kerry still has a chance as long as the press doesn't turn up any more embarrassing medals.-Bill Maher
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they�ve seen me laugh, and they�ve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo. -Bill Maher
It's now almost certain that terrorists brought down those two Russian airliners ... When president bush was told that terrorists had just crashed two planes, out of habit he didn't move for seven minutes. -Bill Maher
The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant Chevron.-Bill Maher
The President finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.-Bill Maher
Here's something I thought I'd never see President Bush do. He came out today against legacy admissions in college. You know like if the father went to the school they say the kids get in easier. Bush says the fact that his father and grandfather went to Yale had nothing to do with him getting into Yale. It was simply a matter of him personally meeting with the dean and getting him high.-Bill Maher
Over the weekend President Bush who got into Yale after his father and grandfather went there, talked about the evils of alumni getting preferential treatment. He said he had to knock on a lot of doors to be successful. This is the kind of thing that drives Kerry people nuts, while President Bush inherited his money, Kerry earned his the old fashioned way - he married it. -Jay Leno
According to "Drudge Report", a domestic centerpiece of Republican agenda for the second Bush term is getting rid of the internal revenue service. They want to do away with the IRS. Whew! So I guess they are serious about going after terrorist organizations. -Jay Leno
This past weekend, President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. Boy it sounds like an episode of "Dukes of Hazzard" doesn't it? "Yeah Jeb's boy, George P. got hitched." -Jay Leno
The Economy
What was it? Like 92 today? People are sweating like President Bush looking at the latest job figures. -Jay Leno
The Labor Department reported only 32,000 jobs were created last month. 32,000! The Kerrys have more servants than that. -Jay Leno
Stock market was down 160 points. Lowest it's been all year. You know why it's down? All our best CEO's are in prison. What the hell are we thinking? Get those guys out of there! Put them back! -Jay Leno
Politics
It's now almost certain that terrorists brought down those two Russian airliners ... When president bush was told that terrorists had just crashed two planes, out of habit he didn't move for seven minutes. -Bill Maher
You know in less than a year, Governor Schwarzenegger has learned a lot. He's learned tax structure, parliamentary procedure, negotiation strategy, all the ins and outs of state government...the only thing he hasn't learned is the correct way to say "California".-Jay Leno
An astounding 65% of people in California approve of the way Arnold Schwarzenegger is running the state. The other 35% are girly men. -Conan O'Brien
Scary moment for Dick Cheney - he was on Air Force 2 when a small plane came towards them. Air Force 2 had to take emergency action to avoid hitting it. For a minute there, George Bush was this close to becoming acting president. -Jay Leno
Governor Schwarzenegger has a plan. We're in a lot of trouble financially in the state and he thinks he knows how to solve the problem. Step 1 -- the state of California is having a yard sale this weekend. I'm not kidding. They're selling all sorts of surplus crap -- office furniture, espresso machines, computers and, one of the more interesting items, Gray Davis the former Governor. -Jimmy Kimmel
Since he announced last week that he's gay, outgoing New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey's approval ratings actually went up two points. It went from 43 to 45 percent. Which means, at that rate, he's only got to announce he's gay 27 and a half more times.-Jimmy Kimmel
Governor McGreevy of New Jersey has yet to submit his resignation. He has however submitted some killer decorating ideas for the mansion. -David Letterman
Speaking at a church in Manhattan, Bill Clinton suggested that republicans forgot the commandment thou shall not lie. And when it comes to forgetting commandments, Bill Clinton knows what he�s talking about. -Jay Leno
They've been having a lot of trouble in Illinois finding a Republican candidate to go up against Barack Obama. Well I think they finally found one in our own friend Alan Keyes, you know, the African-American fire-brand conservative preacher. The only problem is Keyes lives in Maryland. ... It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First they couldn't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and now they can't find a black person in Chicago.-Bill Maher
President Bush appointed a new CIA Director. Congressman Porter Goss of Florida. Porter Goss. Sounds like something Arnold Schwarzenegger would say at a filling station. "Yeah, pour-da gas, I must go! Pour-da gas!" -Jay Leno
Al Gore was caught driving 75 miles an hour on the highway up in Oregon and cited for speeding. Well you know Al Gore, he�ll do anything to get his name on a ticket now - poor Al, he didn�t get paid because he didn�t get the pizza there on time. He lost out on that one too - bad day for Al. -Jay Leno
Good news today for Florida, they�ve just selected the observers who will work on Election Day to make sure the votes are counted fairly. The bad news, it�s the Olympic gymnastic judges. -Jay Leno
Scott Peterson
Let's see what's going on in the Scott Peterson murder trial. Scott's mistress, Amber "I hope he Fries", testified again today. You remember Amber - she's the one Scott didn't kill.-Jay Leno
Amber also testified today that Scott called her on the phone on New Year'd Day, pretending he was in Paris, on business. That makes perfect sense seeing as how he's a fertilizer salesman. They have to go to Paris all the time.-Jay Leno
In a taped phone call played for jurors, Scott Peterson told Amber Frey his favorite movie of all time was "The Shining". You know at this point, the judge should have just said, "Okay, guilty. I don't think we need to go any further.-Jay Leno
Peterson's defense lawyer Mark Geragos has argued in court that just because a man cheats on his wife doesn't make him a killer. Which is true. In fact, it's just the opposite. It usually makes the wife a killer. -Jay Leno
Celebrities
Happy Birthday to Martha Stewart, she�s 63 years old. I got her a lovely gift. It�s a toilet cozy. It�s a quilted cover that goes over the stainless steel john in her cell. You know, kind of warms up the place, makes it look more homey. -Jay Leno
Martha Stewart turned 63 yesterday. Martha�s at that awkward age, too young to retire too old to try and climb over the prison wall. -Jay Leno
According to "The Star", Britney Spears is moving her wedding up to August. She�s apparently only giving her guest two weeks notice, which is not much, but still longer than the groom usually gets. -Jay Leno
Alice Cooper's pet python needed emergency surgery after it swallowed a heating pad. That's how you know you might be getting too old for rock-n-roll...when your snake eats your heating pad. -Jay Leno
It's being reported that Donald Trump is going to release his own line of clothing. It's going to be made from the same wool-polyester blend that makes up his hair.
-Conan O'Brien
I just read Donald Trump's new book - but I'm stuck on "Chapter 11". -Jay Leno
Are you following the saga of Michael Jackson? The latest is that his plastic surgeon had to take a piece of his ear to construct part of his nose and as a result of the surgery he�s actually death in his left nostril. -David Letterman
That's my favorite new story. "60 Minutes" legend Mike Wallace was handcuffed and taken to the police station after he got in a fight with a city inspector over where he parked his car. They arrested him! Give the guy a break - at Mike's age, he should get credit for remembering where his car is. Come on!-Jay Leno
The city inspectors claim that Wallace lunged at them. He wasn't lunging. His hip gave out. He's 86! -Jay Leno
They said that Wallace was so belligerent that cops thought he was Andy Rooney. -Jay Leno
Some people think this is just a ploy to get the first jailhouse interview with Martha Stewart. -Jay Leno
Police officials said today, this is the first time an 86 year old man was handcuffed by someone other than Anna Nicole Smith. -Jay Leno
Remeber those two taxi cops who arrested Mike Wallace? They said they felt "threatened" by him. Today I understand they were able to subdue an out of control Bob Barker.-Jay Leno
Extreme Weather
Florida is bracing for Hurricane Charley. Hopefully it will just destroy the voting booths. -Jay Leno
Florida is about to be hit by Hurricane Charley. Authorities are telling people to evacuate certain areas. You know when Florida should be evacuated? On Election Day. Just get everybody to leave. -Jay Leno
America�s leaders are rising to the occasion to help everyone out in Florida after Hurricane Charley. Governor Schwarzenegger is sending water. Governor Pataki is sending food. And Governor McGreevey is sending throw pillows. -Craig Kilborn
In fact winds are so strong, Cuban immigrants are swimming to Florida in under eight minutes. -Jay Leno
Popular Culture
Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney visited Ellis Island. Do the younger kids know what Ellis Island is? It�s now considered an 'out-of-date' immigration center. It's where foreigners would identify themselves, take medical exams, and prove they were employable before they could enter the United States legally. Well, you see why it�s out of date. We don�t really do that anymore. -Jay Leno
It was called "the gateway to America". Not anymore. Today the official 'gateway to America' is a hole in the fence right over here in San Diego. -Jay Leno
Scientists are trying to figure out why lobster hauls are suddenly decreasing after three years of record hauls. Gee, do you think it might have something to do with the fact that we�re eating all the lobster?! -Jay Leno
Do we have a lot of out-of-towners here tonight? You�re here at a great time. We have the protesters, closed streets, the high alerts, the bomb threats - where you going next week? Najaf?! -David Letterman
Have you heard about this? There�s a new thing called alcohol without liquid. It�s a machine that combines booze with oxygen to create an alcohol mist that you just inhale. Well this is perfect for airline pilots, no more fumbling with those little bottles, now that mask can just fall down mid-flight. -Jay Leno
Here�s a strange thing in the "Wall Street Journal" today, Toys �R Us has announced that they may sell their toy division. So what are they going to call the company now? "We Was Toys". -Jay Leno
Today the search engine Google went public with stock. The move made the founders of the company over $3 billion dollars. To give you an idea of how much money that is - it would take Donald Trump two weeks to lose that amount of money. -Craig Kilborn
Mary Kay Letourneau, the Washington school teacher who had an affair with her 13-year-old student, was released from prison today after a seven-year sentence. I don't think she gets it. They asked her what she's going to do now that she's out, she said, "I�m going to Disneyland." -Jay Leno
In Germany a man was beaten up by a truck driver for observing the speed limit. Observing the speed limit? He�s lucky he was in L.A. He could�ve been shot. -Jay Leno
In Malawi, Africa, a Catholic priest and a nun have been caught having sex in a car at the airport. A priest and a nun having sex in a car - this is the best news the Catholic Church has had in ten years. -Jay Leno
A toilet manufacturer in Illinois has now come out with a line of reclining toilet seats. The seat is adjustable to 3 different lumbar positions. See, that�s when you know you�re spending too much time in the bathroom, when you�re on a lazy boy toilet! -Jay Leno
In a stunning announcement, the Miss America pageant announced it is canceling the talent competition. You know what you call the Miss America contest without the talent? Hooters -Jay Leno
Residents in Missouri overwhelmingly voted to make same sex marriage illegal. They also changed their state motto to the "don�t show me state". -Conan O'Brien
Scientists announced today they have successfully cloned domestic housecats. Hopefully, this will end that tragic housecat shortage. -Jay Leno
According to "Men's Health" magazine, Denver, Colorado is the drunkest city in America with the most alcohol problems. Well duh, it's a major airline hub. They've got thousands of drunken pilots landing there every day.-Jay Leno
American Airlines kicked a disruptive man off a flight this week from Miami to New York for wearing a t-shirt with a topless woman on the front. Luckily, the flight wasn�t delayed and they were able to get another pilot. -Jay Leno
I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it�s re-routed to India. -Jay Leno
San Francisco has annulled its 4,000 gay marriages. One of the gay men said it was a terrible disappointment to have your marriage annulled so quickly, but on the bright side, I feel just like Britney Spears. -Bill Maher
The California Supreme Court has ruled that all those gay marriages that took place a few months ago are null and void. In just one day the Supreme Court has nullified almost as many marriages as Jennifer Lopez. -Jay Leno
Iceland will soon be holding its first ever rap festival. Because when you think hip-hop you think Iceland. -Craig Kilborn
A new study shows that too much homework can make kids obese. What, are they eating their school supplies now? How is that? Homework makes your kids fat? Then how come so many of our kids are fat and dumb?-Jay Leno
ABC is now going to air commercials for breast enlargements. I do belive that the first commercial for this was on CBS during the Super Bowl halftime show. -David Letterman
Here's some good news, the Statue of Liberty has reopened. It was closed two years for restoration. The project was paid for by corporate donors. So that explains why she is now holding a can of Red Bull instead of the torch. -David Letterman
Movies And Television
"The Village" was the number one movie making $51 million. It�s all about these villagers who get attacked by these creatures who live in the woods. President Bush said, "See what happens when you don�t cut the trees down!"-Jay Leno
The number two movie "The Manchurian Candidate" is about a man running for president and the huge, powerful corporation trying to control him. I think the real name was the "The Man-Cheney Candidate". -Jay Leno
I'm ready for fall. I'm getting sick of these summer TV shows. It's all reality shows. Makeover shows...dating shows...quiz shows...do you realize the only thing on TV all summer with a plot is al Qaeda? -Jay Leno
Sports
Did you see that fight over the weekend? Mike Tyson was knocked out in the forth round, but he�s not quitting, although I understand they�ve toned down his opponents a bit. In fact, six weeks from tonight, he�s fighting Ryan Seacrest. -Jay Leno
Concrete pieces of Wrigley Field in Chicago have been falling to the ground. Which is strange this time of year because usually for the Cubs, the collapse doesn�t occur until the playoffs. -Jay Leno
The Lakers have traded Gary Payton and Rick Fox to the Boston Celtics. So many Lakers have left! Who's Kobe not going to pass to next season? -Jay Leno
The Summer Olympics
Of course the Summer Olympics begin on Friday. This was in the paper today - Greek officials have announced that many Olympic security problems have been solved. "Many". That makes you feel good huh? When you're talking about security, I think a simple majority is all you need. -Jay Leno
Greek officials say they are ready for the Olympics, but they'd be more ready if they had more of a head start. More of a head start?! Didn't Greece have the first Olympics like 2500 years ago? How much more time do these people need? -Jay Leno
Well folks it's that time of the year again. Everybody is "going for the gold". But enough about Kobe's accuser. -Jay Leno
The Olympics start tomorrow. U.S. Athletes have been warned against "extravagant flag waving" after winning an Olympic Medal or they will be dealt with! I love the priorities. You can burn the American Flag and get away with it, but God forbid you wave it or you are in serious trouble. -Jay Leno
Are you excited about the Olympics? Isn't it nice a change of pace? You get to see countries fighting over gold instead of oil. -Jay Leno
For the first time in history all 28 Olympic Sports are going to be televised. They can televise all 28 because NBC has so many channels. We have NBC, MSNBC, CNBC. We even have the Bravo Network for the gay sports like synchronized badminton and that ribbon thingy. -Jay Leno
Yesterday the men's soccer team from Iraq lost in the semi-finals to Paraguay. There dream of winning gold is over, but on the bright side, they get to keep their hands.-Jimmy Kimmel
How about this? Team USA with all our NBA pros got their ass kicked by Italy, my people kicked ass, 95-78 in an exhibition game. Italy killed our team! Team USA, they played so poorly together; I thought I was watching the Lakers. -Jay Leno
It's being said that 50 athletes on the U.S. Olympic Team are supporting themselves by working at Home Depot. That's good because Athens is still only half done with the Olympic Village. -Conan O'Brien
You know NBC paid $793 million for the rights to this year's games? It's amazing what we can do now that they don't have to pay the cast of "Friends" anymore. -Jay Leno
How about Iraq today? The Iraqi Soccer Team beat Portugal today in a preliminary game in Olympic Soccer. What a big victory for Iraq. People in Baghdad were going crazy. Shooting guns in the air, turning over cars, starting fires. It looked like a war zone.-Jay Leno
The Iraqi soccer team lost to Paraguay today. And the Iraqi coach doesn�t know times are different now because afterwards he asked, "Okay, when do they shoot us?"-Craig Kilborn
Tomorrow the first events of the Summer Olympics begin in Athens. That means at this moment Bob Costas is going over crap that no one else cares about. -Conan O'Brien
The Olympics are airing right here on NBC. There will be 1,210 hours of coverage on the NBC networks. 1,210 hours of programming - which is four less than "Last Comic Standing".-Conan O'Brien
The British Virgin Islands has one athlete. Not too much pressure on that guy, huh? He entered in 1500 events. -Jay Leno
Isn't that amazing? They've got one guy on the whole team! Just like the Lakers! -Jay Leno
Some controversy already. Apparently the British Women's Swim Team is wearing new skin-tight lycra swimsuits that are see-thru in water. You can see right through when they are wet. If you are thinking of getting one of those high-definition TV sets, this is the time to do it.-Jay Leno
The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial. -Jay Leno
The U.S. Olympic team won over 100 medals in Athens. I believe the only person to get more gold this year was Kobe Bryant�s wife. -David Letterman
Perhaps the biggest disappointment at the games - U.S. men�s basketball team won only a bronze medal. But to their credit, they played like pros - okay, like the Clippers, but still pros. -Jay Leno
Iraq lost the soccer match and the Iraqi fans went nuts. The Iraqi fans threw beer bottles and cursed at the referees. Well it didn�t take them long to get the hang of the American way of life. -Jay Leno
You know what country had a disappointing performance - Mexico. Well sure, all their fastest runners came here years ago. -Jay Leno
You know who I feel sorry for? That Brazilian guy. That was really unfair. Did you see that crazy guy who disrupted the marathon? He ran out, grabbed the Brazilian runner, turns out he�s a defrocked priest. That�s true. And because he�s an ex-priest he didn�t get jail time, they just transferred him to another marathon. -Jay Leno
It�s so strange seeing a priest grabbing someone over the age of 13. I was surprised to see that happened. -Jay Leno
Our USA team ended up winning 103 medals - although today, a group of Vietnam swift boat veterans came forward to say that our athletes really didn�t earn all their medals. -Jay Leno
Even President Bush said today he was really impressed when he saw the footage from Greece. Bush said it�s hard to believe that�s the same place they filmed that John Travolta movie. -Jay Leno
Well folks, the ratings are in and NBC got huge ratings for the Olympics. It seems the only ones not watching the Olympics closely - the gymnast judges! -Jay Leno
As you know, the gold medal went to Cuba in baseball. I�m not shocked they won in baseball - I�m just shocked they didn�t also win in rowing. -Jay Leno
What is that one sport in gymnastics, the ribbon dancing? Have you seen that? That�s not really a sport, is it? That�s playing with the cat.-Jay Leno
Of course the worst moment at the Olympics was when the "nut" ran out of the crowd during the marathon and grabbed the front-runner. Doesn�t that make you mad? Here�s a guy who couldn�t win a race by himself, so he decided to get publicity by ruining the chances of the man who should have won. You know, he�s like "the Ralph Nader" of the Olympics.-Jay Leno