War On Terror

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him. The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin.-Tina Fey

Supposedly we can predict if we�ll have an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not a groundhog sees his shadow. Or, as President Bush calls it, "reliable intelligence." -Jay Leno

During testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee, former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the "intelligence community." And he doesn�t want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we�re OK there. -Jay Leno

A spokesman for the military said today they expect to catch Osama bin Laden this year. I understand they�re shooting for the first week in November. -Jay Leno

An investigation has been launched over pre-war Iraq - we�re going to find out why they had our oil under their sand. -Craig Kilborn

President Bush said Sunday he wants to lead the world to more peace. More peace? I don�t know. Can we take any more peace? It worked so well in the Middle East. -Jay Leno

Next week, the Bush administration is going to start broadcasting an Arabic language satellite TV channel in the Middle East. Bush said the channel would "Tell people the truth about what the United States is doing in the Middle East." Which is pretty good considering Bush doesn't even tell us that stuff. -Jay Leno

Politics

The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against Democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the Texas Air and National Guard in the 1970s. A spokesman labeled the claims 'shameful' and 'the worst of election year politics,' and 'completely true'.-Tina Fey

Bush also told Congress Monday that America's economy is strong and getting stronger. As an example, Bush cited the fact that the price of an average Congressman was up 25 percent over 2003.-Dennis Miller

Today was the first press conference relevant since they released the President's Vietnam service record and suddenly, it's like there's a whole new attitude. I have just one question for the press corps: Where the f--- have you been? You're starting to ask questions now? Now? All of a sudden, they've got questions and it's about his Vietnam service. Guys, you're like eight wars behind. Hey! I heard there was a break in at the Watergate! You might want to check in on that!-Jon Stewart

It's Valentine's Eve and in honor of that President Bush announced today that he is doubling the funding for abstinence only sex ed programs. Just because other people are doing it, doesn't mean you have to participate - kind of like National Guard duty.-Bill Maher

That is a story that will not go away from the White House. They tried this week to prove that Bush did show up in Alabama for his National Guard service and they showed he had a dental appointment. ... Which raises even more questions, for one, they have dentists in Alabama?-Bill Maher

Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial.-Bill Maher

In an effort to brighten the economic outlook, the Bush administration is thinking of reclassifying fast food jobs as manufacturing jobs. And to brighten the crime statistics they're thinking of reclassifying rape by college athletes as illegal use of the hands.-Bill Maher

They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard.-Bill Maher

President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts. I believe they are smoke and mirrors. -Jay Leno

In a speech over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and his policies. If Al Gore really doesn't want Bush to win in 2004, instead of attacking him, he should endorse him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign. There you go right there. Bring it on! -Jay Leno

President Bush�s approval rating is now down under 50 percent. What he�s going to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again. -David Letterman

Embarrassing moment today for Vice President Dick Cheney. As he went through the White House metal detector this morning, security made him empty his pockets and out fell Justice Antonin Scalia. -Jay Leno

There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he was ever AWOL and he said, "No, we have Earthlink." -Jay Leno

In light of the Ricin scare both the House and the Senate are considering banning all unsolicited mail from constituents, so if you want to contact your elected representatives, just wire the money directly into their accounts.-Dennis Miller

Good news - today the Senate buildings closed due to the ricin scare earlier this week re-opened. You familiar with ricin? It's a harmful, toxic poison that is inhaled. You know what we call that in Los Angeles? Air. -Jay Leno

In Washington, D.C., ricin was discovered in the Capitol. The bad news: It's still beating Dennis Kucinich in the polls.-Craig Kilborn

You know what�s interesting - because of the ricin scare yesterday, the U.S. Senate postponed all voting. See, this has a ripple effect on the economy, because when politicians can�t vote, oil companies, drug companies and tobacco companies can�t give them money, and that means bartenders and hookers all suffer. -Jay Leno

Democratic Candidates

In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.-Jon Stewart

It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side his campaign was long, quiet and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday.-Tina Fey

An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'-Jimmy Fallon

Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did.-Dennis Miller

Richard Gephardt officially endorsed John Kerry on Thursday. Kerry quietly thanked Gephardt and than began feverously working to keep the endorsement from going public. Vowing to give Kerry's campaign all the assets remaining from his organization, Gephardt presented Kerry with three folding chairs and half a pack of fax paper.-Dennis Miller

Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter.-Jon Stewart

On tomorrow's 'Meet the Press' Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by three votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, 'Stay home Nerd, you're the reason we're in this K hole to begin with'. -Tina Fey

At a campaign stop General Wesley Clark was reunited with a man that saved his life back in Vietnam. The reunion may have backfired, though, because the man was John Kerry.-Conan O'Brien

John Kerry appears to be the front-runner - you know the name of John Kerry�s campaign bus? "The Real Deal Express." You know the name of Dennis Kucinich�s campaign bus? Greyhound. -Jay Leno

Kucinich not doing well. Even people in Florida said they wouldn�t vote for him by mistake.-Jay Leno

Joe Lieberman has pulled out of the presidential race. Now of course comes the hard part - telling his supporter.-Jay Leno

Yesterday Howard Dean got under 10 percent of the vote in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma. That Al Gore endorsement is really kicking in!-Jay Leno

There were seven primaries yesterday. You all followed that? (silence) Wow! Well, yesterday Senator Joe Lieberman dropped out of the race after doing poorly. When asked about it, Lieberman said, "We knew we had troubles when the one Jewish guy in North Dakota wouldn�t vote for me." -David Letterman

Howard Dean was out talking about health care today - it has nothing to do with the campaign, I think he realizes he�s going back to being a doctor real soon. -Jay Leno

Tuesday night John Edwards won the South Carolina primary. His basic stump speech is that there are really two Americas - one where he tries to hide his Southern accent and one where he emphasizes it. -Jay Leno

Today Dennis Kucinich vowed to stay in the presidential race. "Stay in"? How about get in? -Jay Leno

The presidential race is heating up. Both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are campaigning this week with the men that saved both of their lives in Vietnam. President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him.-Conan O'Brien

Embarrassing moment last week for Wesley Clark - his motorcade was pulled over by Oklahoma State Troopers for speeding. Apparently he was charged with going nowhere fast. -Jay Leno

Presidential candidate John Edwards keeps saying there's two Americas. President Bush used to think there were two Americas, but then he stopped drinking. -Jay Leno

In a radio interview over the weekend, Howard Dean says he is now willing to take the vice president�s spot. Nothing like losing 12 primaries in a row to give a guy a touch of humility. Mayor of Barstow is looking pretty good now. -Jay Leno

On Sunday John Kerry said, "Americans need to be able to trust their president," and today Hillary Clinton said, "Tell me about it!" -Jay Leno

The Law

Michael Jackson

According to an article in this month�s Vanity Fair magazine, Michael Jackson reportedly told the boys that stayed at his house that girls were tattletales. Today Kobe Bryant said, "Tell me about it."-Jay Leno

Celebrities

Did you hear about this? A Tucson judge has sentenced Diana Ross to 48 hours in jail for drunk driving. Forty-eight hours! She�s had blackouts that lasted longer than that. -Jay Leno

That will send a message to the world - if you�re a celebrity and you break the law, you could lose your freedom for up to two whole days. -Jay Leno

Although they say now with good behavior she could be out by noon.-Jay Leno

On "Dateline" the other night, David Gest, the former husband of Liza Minnelli, was interviewed. He spoke about how Liza beat him. At one point he pulled down his pants to show the damage. That was also the first time Liza ever saw him with his pants off. -Jay Leno

Everybody getting ready for Valentine�s Day? I understand Kobe Bryant is planning a romantic getaway. He�s already booked a hotel room, although I don�t know what his wife�s plans are.-Jay Leno

You been watching the Martha Stewart trial? I don't know what this means, but today at the Martha Stewart trial, Martha Stewart showed how if you stuff and roast a canary you can stop it from singing. -Jay Leno

At Martha Stewart�s trial in New York City, Martha Stewart�s personal assistant broke down in tears under severe questioning. So really, for her, just another day at the office.-Jay Leno

Mike Tyson�s life is entering a new chapter. Chapter 11.-Jay Leno

Rush Limbaugh's lawyer said today that Limbaugh's drug scandal started with a story in a tabloid newspaper. Really? I thought it started when he bought 40,000 pills from his housekeeper! -Jay Leno

Star Jones of "The View" says that she once took lessons as a pole dancer. As a result, that pole is in a hospital in critical condition. -Conan O'Brien

Robert Blake fired another lawyer today. This is the third lawyer Robert Blake has gone through and the trial hasn't even started yet. Apparently he's going to keep hiring lawyers until he finds one who believes his alibi.-Jay Leno

Britney Spears is reportedly still seeing her two-day husband. Remember the guy she married for two days and then divorced? Now they're dating. And I thought I was dyslexic.-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

Did you see those ads for the Viagra-type pill called Levitra, where the big symbolism is he throws a football through a tire? Could you make it a little more obvious, Mike? Wouldn�t a javelin be better? -Jay Leno

Kurt Russell is on tonight to talk about his movie "Miracle," which is about one of the most amazing moments in sports history. You remember the "Miracle on Ice"? Wasn�t that the Ted Williams story? -Jay Leno

What a country we live in - we don�t have a cure for cancer, but we�ve got 11 new ways to give a man an erection. -Jay Leno

Massachusetts is about to become the first state to allow gays and lesbians to marry. Now here's the part I don't understand - why would a gay guy want to marry a lesbian? -Jay Leno

Police in Czechoslovakia discovered a woman who was sleeping with her dead husband for two years after he died because she couldn't accept his death. Two years. See that, guys, it proves how long a marriage can last if the husband just keeps his mouth shut. -Jay Leno

Did you see Newsweek? "Who Killed Jesus?" Hey, we can�t even figure out who killed Robert Blake�s wife. -Jay Leno

It�s a two-for-one. We got Fashion Week going on and also the Westminster Dog Show over at Madison Square Garden. I hate this time of year because the town is full of temperamental little bitches. -David Letterman

How many watched the Grammys? You know, last night, I sat down to watch the Grammys, I turn it on and Prince is doing the opening number. He's on stage singing "Purple Rain." And I'm thinking how long is this tape delayed - 20 years?! -Jay Leno

As you know, there was a five-minute tape delay at the Grammys last night, which can be dangerous. For a lot of artists, they only have 10 minutes left. -Jay Leno

As you know by now, Janet Jackson was not there last night. It seems she caught a chest cold. -Jay Leno

The show was a little long. It was so long I felt like Christina Aguilera�s dress: I couldn't stay up. -David Letterman

Sports

How about the Super Bowl? What a great game! I like to gamble a little. If the Patriots would have had two safeties, the Panthers had one more touchdown and had the point after try blocked - then I would have won the office pool. -David Letterman

Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Exposure

Did you all see that during the halftime show? I guess Janet was singing a duet with Justin Timberlake and at the end he ripped off part of her costume, exposing one of her breasts. Boy, that was ironic: for once a Jackson getting molested. -Jay Leno

Did you watch that halftime show? Finally, a halftime show for straight guys! -Jay Leno

Of course, for viewers here in Los Angeles it was especially shocking. Most guys in this town have never seen a real breast before. -Jay Leno

I just hope what Janet did at halftime doesn�t, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family. -Jay Leno

Today CBS apologized for Janet showing her breast. Forget that - how about CBS apologizing for Richard showing his fat ass on "Survivor"? That�s the apology I want. -Jay Leno

And Janet Jackson - to be honest, I was happy about it because for once I wasn�t the biggest boob on CBS. -David Letterman

Justin Timberlake called the incident a "wardrobe malfunction." The last time I had one of those I became a father. -David Letterman

After the game, President Bush called the Patriots to congratulate them on the win. And former President Clinton called up Janet Jackson. -David Letterman

I love how high and mighty they get - they said, "The moment did not conform to CBS�s broadcast standards." "Standards"? What standards? They ran a commercial with a horse farting in a woman�s face. -Jay Leno

Today the chairman of the FCC announced that he�s launching an "immediate and swift" investigation into what they�re calling "nipplegate," that�s what we�re calling it. Immediate and swift investigation; however, we have to wait till next year to find out why we went to war in Iraq. -Jay Leno

President Bush said today that if we don�t uphold standards and decency, then the nipples have won. -Craig Kilborn

The event was so crass and so sleazy that Fox is performing their own investigation to see why they didn�t do it first. -Craig Kilborn

You know who was really mad about this whole thing? President Bush. In fact, today he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal.-Jay Leno

CBS said they may bar Janet Jackson from the Grammys because of what happened at the Super Bowl. Isn�t that kind of tit for tat? -Jay Leno

It was quite a show, wasn�t it? There was a streaker, Janet Jackson�s breast was exposed and Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. I was surprised that John Ashcroft�s head didn�t explode during that thing. -Jay Leno

More problems for Janet Jackson. Last night, she was pulled over and ticketed by police. It seems one of her headlights was out. -Jay Leno

Next year the Super Bowl is on Fox. How sleazy is that halftime show going to be? -Jay Leno

They kicked Janet Jackson off the Grammys, is this fair, but they're letting Justin Timberlake stay on. Flash your breast and you're in trouble, reach for a breast and you get to be on the Grammys or you get to be governor of California. -Jay Leno

Still a lot of controversy over the Super Bowl halftime show. Justin Timberlake's parents said they were even embarrassed by the halftime show. They then went on to say that they were embarrassed before the game. -Conan O'Brien

I guess you heard - CBS is barring Janet Jackson from the Grammy Awards. I guess that CBS would prefer to go with more wholesome performers - like R. Kelly and Christina Aguilera, rappers who talk about their ho's and bitches. -Jay Leno

Because of Janet Jackson's performance at the Super Bowl, the Grammy Awards will now be on a five-minute delay. So they can take out any mistakes. Dick Cheney now wants to use the technology on President Bush's speeches. -Jay Leno