War On Terror

Here's the latest forecast for Iraq: Sunni today but tomorrow it will turn to Shi'ite.-Jay Leno

The good news from Iraq is we brought the Shi'ites and Sunnis together. The bad news: they formed an army.-Jay Leno

I was thinking about this - maybe it�s time we stopped looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and started looking for oil. -Jay Leno

It's Saddam Hussein's birthday today. You know you're having a bad year when you're birthday wish is to be back in a spider hole.-Conan O'Brien

Today is Saddam Hussein�s birthday. This year he did not receive any presents from his sons Uday and Quasay. But he did receive a gift from his daughter Uglay.-David Letterman

Today is Saddam Hussein�s birthday. If you haven�t gotten his a gift yet, he could use some weapons of mass destruction. Apparently he doesn�t seem to have any.-Jay Leno

President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.-David Letterman

They said on CNN today that if things go according to plan, the U.S. will hand over power in Iraq on June 30. 'If things go according to plan?' What plan? Do we have a plan? Did I miss the news today? Is there a plan?-Jay Leno

In the new Osama bin Laden audio tape he offers a truce to all European countries. All major European countries have rejected that offer for a truce except for France. They surrendered.-David Letterman

Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq.-Conan O'Brien

The United States has just announced we will begin photographing and fingerprinting every visitor to the united states even those from our allied nations. Isn�t that unbelievable? We still have allies?-Jay Leno

Condoleezza Rice said Saudi Arabia is 'fully enlisted in the war on terrorism.' Yeah. So fully, they're on both sides of it.-Jay Leno

In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier.-Tina Fey

President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.-David Letterman

The argument continues about President Bush and whether he did anything about that memo. You know, the famous memo that said terrorists are planning a major attack inside the United States. Actually, it turns out that Bush was more concerned about another urgent memo he got from Attorney General John Ashcroft saying that two gay guys in San Francisco may be planning to get married.-Jay Leno

It was announced today that Iraq has a new flag. Yeah, that's what their problem was, no flag, yeah. That's like the Titanic hitting the iceberg, 'We've got a new chef!'-Jay Leno

Two sad news stories out of Iraq from the White House. Twenty thousand members of the military are having their tours extended. Also the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended. -David Letterman

At the White House today, President Bush was answering questions about Iraq and said that he's worried the violence in Fall-u-jah will spread to other parts of the country he can't pronounce. -Craig Kilborn

Two big announcements coming out of Washington D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended.-David Letterman

After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'-Jon Stewart

According to a new Gallup poll out today, 61 percent of Iraqis believe the war to remove Saddam Hussein was worth any hardship. The problem is, the other 39 percent are shooting at us.-Jay Leno

President Bush told the Iraqi people 'We are not going to cut and run while I am in office.' Today the Iraqi people said 'What about next year when you're not in office?'-Jay Leno

Today, the Bush administration said the terrorist organization Hamas should be put out of business. And if there's one thing the Bush administration knows, it's how to put people out of business.-Jay Leno

The Coalition of The Willing

Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq � meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.-Jon Stewart

U.S. forces in Iraq were very busy today not only fighting, but giving coalition troops rides to the airport. ... How about our good friend Spain? Could they run any faster. Apparently the Baghdad Hilton has express check out now.-Jay Leno

Colin Powell said that other countries may also follow Spain and pull their troops out of Iraq. I'm sorry, pull their troop out of Iraq.-Jay Leno

Spain now says they plan to withdraw their troops as soon as possible as opposed to waiting until June 30th as they originally agreed to do. And France is furious. That Spain is trying to break France�s record for quickest retreat.-Jay Leno

Spain has withdrawn its troops, or troop from Iraq. The new prime minister said that putting Spanish citizens in Iraq was senseless and dangerous. Unlike running with the bulls.-Jay Leno

Thailand is threatening to pull their troops out of Iraq if attacked, if they�re even fired upon. Are those troops? Aren�t they really tourists? -Jay Leno

With the situation in Iraq growing ever more dangerous, the 34-member Coalition of The Willing are, one by one, dropping out to join the other coalition known as Most of The Rest of The World.-Jon Stewart

This coalition in Iraq is not holding up well. ... It's kind of ironic. All these foreign countries are willing to take every American job accept this one.-Jay Leno

U.S. forces in Iraq were very busy today. Not only fighting, but giving other coalition troops rides to the airport.-Jay Leno

The Dominican Republic has pulled its 300 soldiers out of Iraq. I didn�t know they had an army did you? The only Dominicans I�ve ever seen in uniform are playing for the Yankees.-Jay Leno

The Draft

Independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. He claims the federal government is secretly putting draft boards back together, and if you're between the ages of 18 and 36, you're eligible. I'm talking to you, Private Timberlake. President Bush immediately re-enlisted in the National Guard, just to be safe.-Jimmy Kimmel

Our old friend independent candidate Ralph Nader says he thinks the draft is coming back. ... But then again, Ralph thinks he's coming back.-Jay Leno

They're debating now whether or not to bring back the military draft and it would be limited so you wouldn't be drafted if you're married or you're gay. Well, you thought you saw a lot of gay marriages before.-Jay Leno

Republican Senator Chuck Hagel says it may be time to reinstate the draft. When President Bush heard about that, he said, 'Uh oh, does that mean I have to go back to Alabama?-Jay Leno

They're bringing back the draft. We don't need to bring back the draft. Here's how you get Americans to sign up. You call it a reality show. You tell people you're holding auditions for something called 'G.I. Average Joe.'-Jay Leno

Bob Woodward's 'Plan of Attack'

According to Bob Woodward's new book, 'Plan of Attack,' when President Bush first decided to go to war with Iraq, he grabbed Donald Rumsfeld and pulled him into the study just outside the Oval Office and told him his decision. That is the same little room where Bill Clinton took Monica Lewinsky. You know something, we gotta get rid of that little room � that's two presidents in a row that have almost been taken down by that little room.-Jay Leno

Woodward says that Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq and Powell called it the Pottery Barn rule, ... if you break it, you own it. ... But is that really the Pottery Barn rule? I thought the Pottery Barn rule was you bought it, you're gay.-Jay Leno

According to Bob Woodward's new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq. He quoted the Pottery Barn rule, 'You break it, you bought it.' See President Clinton believed in the Home Depot rule, 'You either screw it or you nail it.'-Jay Leno

In his book Bob Woodward quotes Colin Powell as saying he warned Bush about the "pottery barn rule� for invading Iraq � "you break it, you bought it�. Instead, maybe Powell should have warned Bush about the "7-11 rule� � you�re familiar with the "7-11 rule�? "You go into a place full of people from the Middle East, there�s gonna be some shooting.�-Jay Leno

Colin Powell warned President Bush that if he went to war, he would own Iraq's 25 million people and all their hopes and problems. He said, 'You will own it all,' to which Dick Cheney said, 'Ooh, does that include the oil wells?'-Jay Leno

According to Bob Woodward's new book, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell barely speak to each other. But that's not unusual. In every administration, there are people who don't speak to each other. The Bush administration, it's Cheney and Powell; Reagan administration, it was Donald Regan and Nancy; Clinton administration, it was Bill and Hillary.-Jay Leno

According to Bob Woodward's new book ... Colin Powell and Dick Cheney do not like each other. John Kerry commented by saying if I'm elected my cabinet will not be divided, like me they'll remain neutral and not take sides on any issue.-Jay Leno

President Bush commented for the first time on the Woodward book. Bush said he couldn't wait until the book came out on tape so he can find out what all the fuss is about.-Jay Leno

In his book, Woodward said that the Saudis knew we were going to war with Iraq before Colin Powell did. Hey, big deal, the Saudis knew about 9/11 before we did.-Jay Leno

On '60 Minutes' on last Sunday Bob Woodward suggested that the main reason President Bush took the country to war is that he thinks he's on a mission from God. Of course the problem with that is, it's also Osama bin Laden's reason.-Jay Leno

All these books are coming out about President Bush. Richard Clarke's book, John Dean's book, Paul O'Neill's book, now Bob Woodward's book is coming out. It's amazing. Who would have thought that George Bush would be responsible for Americans reading more than any other president before?-Jay Leno

Politics

I read something interesting about Condoleezza Rice today. They said she was actually Methodist but became a Presbyterian. You know what that means, she�s a converted rice.-Jay Leno

Ralph Nader has called for President Bush to be impeached for deceiving the American people about the war in Iraq. Ralph Nader wants Bush impeached? Hey Ralph Nader got him elected in the first place. If it wasn't for Ralph Nader we wouldn't have this problem!-Jay Leno

Ralph Nader, who�s also running for president as an independent, is advising John Kerry to "loosen up." How embarrassing is that when Ralph Nader thinks you�re square? Oh my God!-Jay Leno

This week Attorney General John Ashcroft went back to work after being out for a month for gallbladder surgery. So his constitution is doing fine. Of course ours will suffer ... but his is doing OK. -Jay Leno

If there's one thing we learned from our last presidential election, it's that democracy is far too important to rely on an outdated error-prone system like punchcard ballots. So, as we gear up for the 2004 vote, many communities have moved on to electronic voting � a far more high-tech, error-prone system.-Jon Stewart

Yesterday in Colorado the head of the Coors Brewing Company said he�s running for the senate. Then today he changed his mind and said, "No, when I said that I was really wasted.� -Conan O'Brien

President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?-Jay Leno

President Bush has begun an Easter week vacation in Crawford, Texas. This is part of his plan to get in touch with ordinary Americans and see what it�s like to be at home not working.-Jay Leno

Rupert Murdoch, the owner of Fox News, has announced that he will support President Bush's re-election. Really, it's so hard to tell from the news coverage.-Jay Leno

I believe that no matter what happens in this campaign, Bush will be a two-term president. Okay, one term for his father, the other term for him.-Jay Leno

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak visited President Bush at the ranch in Crawford, Texas today. At one point Mubarak asked the president, "Have you ever seen the pyramids?� To which Bush said, "I�m more of a Wheel of Fortune guy.-Jay Leno

British Prime Minister Tony Blair was at the White House last week. And President Bush said, for someone not from this country, his English is pretty good. -Jay Leno

A new poll shows that most college students would rather have President Bush as a roommate than John Kerry. Yeah, but which one would you rather cheat off of in class?-Jay Leno

Actually, I think they�d both be nightmare roommates, don�t you? Bush wouldn�t know any of the answers, and Kerry would give you 2 for every question. -Jay Leno

In a poll of college students to see who they would rather prefer to have as a roommate, Bush got 43 percent, Kerry got 42 percent. Isn't that surprising? It's the first time Bush has ever won the popular vote.-Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 91% of Americans said they would not want to share a cocktail with a presidential candidate. Well of course not, that�s why people drink in the first place, to forget about those people.-Jay Leno

Which presidential candidate could you even have a cocktail with? Like Bush doesn�t drink at all anymore. And John Kerry would take too long to decide what to order. And Ralph Nader would want to stick a warning label on the bottle telling you about the evils of drink.-Jay Leno

President Bush appointed John Negroponte to be Ambassador of Iraq. How do you get that position, give to John Kerry's campaign?-Jay Leno

The politicians are now having a big argument over what they're calling the Misery Index. ... The Republicans say it's inflation and unemployment. Democrats say it's healthcare and college tuition. I think most Americans have a simpler definition -- regular, premium, and super unleaded.-Jay Leno

While on vacation in Hawaii Wednesday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger rescued a swimmer from drowning. No word yet on if Arnold knew the swimmer was drowning or if this was just a groping gone good.-Tina Fey

Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, saved a guy's life who was drowning in Hawaii. And just to be safe, he performed mouth to mouth on the guy's wife.-Craig Kilborn

Al Gore has donated $6 million that he had left over from his presidential campaign to help the Democrats win back the White House. Think about that. He had $6 million left over and he lost by what, 500 votes? Al, what are you saving it for? Do you realize that if Al had given each of those voters $12,000, he'd be president right now.-Jay Leno

President Bush made $1.5 million at a D.C. fund-raiser yesterday. It�s all part of his "no cash left behind" policy. -David Letterman

The Clintons

Bill Clinton's memoir, which is coming out in June, is called 'My Life.' I believe it's an oral history. ... They say it should be a good read even for people who are unfamiliar with Bill Clinton, you know, like Hillary.-Jay Leno

Bill Clinton's publisher says he's just about finished writing his memoirs. The last chapter is titled, 'Hold On, I Just Found Out Halle Berry Is Single.'-Craig Kilborn

President Clinton's memoirs are going to be released this June. I believe the title of the book is 'Drill Bill.' ... They had the publisher on TV today. He said Clinton's book could be close to 700 pages. ... What is this? Even Clinton's books are fat.-Jay Leno

Bush's Press Conference

I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again.-David Letterman

In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'-Conan O'Brien

It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.-David Letterman

They pre-empted 'American Idol' tonight because President Bush had a press conference. That doesn't seem very American to me. Does it have to be on every network? I know there's a war on, but why does Ryan Seacrest have to suffer?-Jimmy Kimmel

Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.-David Letterman

The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins.-Jay Leno

President Bush was on TV tonight holding a press conference. The Fox Network postponed "American Idol" due to the conference. Even though it wasn�t on, many confused fans still called in trying to vote for the old white rapper.-Conan O'Brien

In his press conference the other night, President Bush said that freedom is a gift from the almighty and we have been called by God to use our military power to spread freedom throughout the world. Then he called that al Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nutcase. He also said God is in favor of a cut in the capital gains tax.-Jay Leno

After last week's press conference, President Bush was given a $10,000 fine from the FCC for repeating the word Shiite. -Craig Kilborn

Tax Season

Hey you do your taxes yet? I don�t know if many of you have done your taxes but, the IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. Did you know that? You can write it off because the Bush administration has officially declared obesity a disease. This is true. As opposed to the Clinton administration where obesity was just sexy. Now it�s a disease. -Jay Leno

Tomorrow is tax day. You all pay your taxes? It�s a great day for Americans. They get to deal with their two most favorite government agencies - the IRS and the post office. I say why not drop by the motor vehicle office in the morning and make it a full day. -Jay Leno

Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.-Jay Leno

President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.-Jay Leno

President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.-Jay Leno

This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'-Conan O'Brien

President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year.-Jay Leno

We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.-Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney released his tax records yesterday. Kind of embarrassing! He listed President Bush as a dependent.-Jay Leno

One surprise on the John Kerry tax return, under primary income, he wrote, "I married it.� -Jay Leno

Easter

The Pope delivered his "Easter message� in something like 73 languages. And that was just for people for L.A. -Jay Leno

The White House Easter Egg Hunt will be open to the public but President Bush will not be there. Well sure. How embarrassing would that be? It�s bad enough he can�t find weapons of mass destruction, what if he can�t find any eggs either?-Jay Leno

Looks like there is a little problem with the White House Easter Egg Hunt this year. It seems the bunnies have contacted the United Nations and they claim that they never had any eggs and they're not hiding any eggs now.-Jay Leno

This Sunday the White House will host the annual Easter Egg Hunt on the White House lawn. Afterwards when everyone is gone the White House will be forced to admit that there were no eggs in the first place. -Conan O'Brien

Every Monday after Easter, they have the big Easter Egg hunt at the White House. This is interesting, the kids out there found strong evidence of Easter Eggs, but no actual eggs.-David Letterman

Today at the White House they had the annual Easter egg hunt. It wasn�t quite as much fun this year because the Department of Homeland Security said that all eggs will be colored orange this year.-Jay Leno

Everybody have a good weekend? Be honest, how many people spent the weekend catching up on all the vices you gave up for lent? -Jay Leno

At an Easter Egg Hunt in Michigan a kid found two handguns in a park. Not only did he find the guns, he got all the other eggs and a wallet. -Craig Kilborn

The 9/11 Commission

Hey you know the big story, Condoleezza Rice testifies tomorrow before the 9/11 commission. I was reading about her today, do you know Condoleezza Rice is a huge Cleveland Browns fan? See no wonder she thought going to Iraq was such a good idea, she�s a big fan of lost causes.-Jay Leno

Yeah this is a huge thing tomorrow, all the networks are going to carry it live on a ten second delay in case she needs, you know, a little more time to get her story straight.-Jay Leno

According Time magazine, Condoleezza Rice has been rehearsing for her appearance this week before the 9/11 commission. They say she has been practicing her answers by having her aides ask her questions. Wouldn't it be easier just to tell the truth? Then you wouldn't have to remember the answer.-Jay Leno

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense � he wants to know what was going on, too.-David Letterman

Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9-11 commission. Or as they�re calling it in Washington � 'The Passion of the Rice'. ... She did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while you�re trying to cover your ass as the same time.-Jay Leno

Former President Bill Clinton didn�t watch. To this day, he still gets extremely nervous whenever a woman testifies under oath. -Jay Leno

Condoleezza Rice gave her big testimony yesterday before the 9/11 commission. She said one of her big ambitions in life is to become the commissioner of the National Football League. And yesterday she demonstrated her ability to perform the end around, the double reverse and the prevent defense.-Jay Leno

It was initially reported that President Bush did not watch the hearings yesterday. Turns out that is not true. President Bush watched the TV coverage live from his ranch in Texas. He was able to watch, apparently, because yesterday 'Sponge Bob Square Pants' was a re-run.-Jay Leno

As soon as Condoleezza Rice finished her testimony yesterday, Bill Clinton testified in private, but he did not testify under oath. Well, of course, being a holy week he felt it was too big of a risk putting his hand on the Bible.-Jay Leno

Did you see that dramatic moment when Ted Kennedy walked out of the hearings? I guess when he heard there was no "Silver Bullet�, he thought they meant they were out of Coors Light. So he just split. -Jay Leno

President Clinton also testified before the 9/11 commission. He said he was very concerned about an attack. In fact, Clinton said he couldn't remember how many times he had told women in the White House, 'Just keep your head down.'-Jay Leno

I think that Clinton was a little confused by the committee. He kept telling them, 'I did not have sexual relations with Osama Bin Laden.'-Jay Leno

Al Gore also appeared before the commission. He appeared for three hours. The members of the committee were praised and commended, not for their questioning, but for being able to listen to Gore for three hours.-Jay Leno

In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'-Tina Fey

You know when you rent a video and it has that FBI warning at the beginning? Well, Condoleezza Rice now says that is not a warning, it's a historical document.-Jay Leno

In his testimony before the 9/11 commission today, CIA director George Tenet said it would take another five years to have the kind of intelligence service our country needs. ... Thanks for letting everybody know that. Good job. We're defenseless.-Conan O'Brien

CIA Director George Tenet told the 9-11 commission today it would take another 5 years to have the kind of clandestine effort needed to fight al Qaeda. I�m glad we�re having these televised hearings. See because otherwise al Qaeda might not know we�re still going to be vulnerable for�.another 5 years!!-Jay Leno

CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.-David Letterman

President Bush is receiving some criticism because tomorrow, when he testifies before the 9/11 commission, he's insisting that Dick Cheney testify with him. Not only that, he's insisting that he sit on Dick Cheney's lap.-Conan O'Brien

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9-11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?-Jay Leno

President Bush and Dick Cheney will make a joint appearance before the 9/11 Commission. They will answer questions together. And to make sure President Bush is really speaking for himself, Dick Cheney will drink a glass of water while Bush talks. -Jay Leno

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 commission... They did not testify under oath, there was no videotape, no audiotape, not even a stenographer writing down the questions or the answers; there's no record of any kind; kind of like President Bush's National Guard service.-Jay Leno

President Bush, Dick Cheney appeared before the 9/11 Commission. It had kind of an awkward start. A senator asked, 'How are you, Mr. President?' and they both answered, 'Fine.'-Craig Kilborn

Members of the panel got annoyed because every time they asked Dick Cheney a tough question he grabbed his chest and shouted, 'Elizabeth, it's the big one!'-Craig Kilborn

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney answered questions before the 9/11 Commission today. Bush said he was glad to speak to the 9/11 Commission. In fact, he also said he'll be happy to meet with the 7/11 people too if anybody has any questions.-Jay Leno

It was kind of like Family Feud, every time Bush would answer a question, Cheney would go 'Good answer, good answer.'-Jay Leno

Anybody want to know why it was so secret? Cheney didn't want Colin Powell to find out.-Jay Leno

It was so secret, even Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia didn't know what was said and when he's not in on the loop, we're screwed.-Jay Leno

Actually I'm not sure how well it went for the president. I understand he used all three of his lifelines on the first question.-Jay Leno

Bob Kerrey and Lee Hamilton left the meeting early to go to another meeting. Where do you possibly have to go? You're meeting with the president and the vice president about the future of the free world and who do you have to meet, the cable guy?-Jay Leno

John Kerry

They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'-Jay Leno

John Kerry has come up with a way to wipe out our country's $7 trillion debt. He says America should just marry Oprah.-Craig Kilborn

John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.-Jay Leno

John Kerry announced his plan for saving the environment. His wife is going to buy it and put it in a blind trust.-Jay Leno

John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head.-Jay Leno

GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who � as we all know � before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.-Jon Stewart

John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'-Jay Leno

Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine. John Kerry said he first noticed her when she was on the cover of another magazine, Fortune.-Jay Leno

You know, I love how rich candidates try to talk about this. Do you notice how these politicians try to relate to the everyday voter? Like today, John Kerry was talking to some union workers about the rising price of gas. And he said it�s so expensive, he had to raise his mainsail all the way up and tack back and forth to get back to his summer home in Nantucket. -Jay Leno

Today John Kerry introduced what he calls "the middle class misery index�. He thinks the middle class is miserable. But then if you�re worth over $700 million being middle class would look pretty miserable life to you.-Jay Leno

Yesterday John Kerry introduced something called the "middle-class misery index." He created a whole new formula to judge how miserable we are, and then he said, "Right now the middle-class misery index is the highest it�s ever been." Well, of course it is � he just invented it yesterday!-Jay Leno

Kerry also says our nation�s college students will be paying off our trillion-dollar deficit for years to come. You think so? They won�t even pay 99 cents to download music. What makes him think they�re going to pay off the deficit?-Jay Leno

Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters.'-Jay Leno

Did you see the guest list at the John Kerry fund-raiser last night? Meg Ryan, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Costner, Barbra Streisand. That's the difference between the Democrats and Republicans - the Democratic list of stars looks like the Oscars, the Republican list looks like a bad episode of "Hollywood Squares": "Eric Estrada, Dawn Wells - come on out here.-Jay Leno

I don't know if you saw this. Tuesday night John Kerry held a fund-raiser in Beverly Hills that cost $1,000 a head. Since Kerry's head is so big, they charged him two grand! -Jay Leno

John Kerry is reportedly making some progress on selecting a running mate. I'm surprised that he's not going with Bob Woodward.-Jay Leno

Kerry says he wants someone who's pro-choice, who supports affirmative action, and who is against George Bush's war in Iraq. So he could pick Colin Powell.-Jay Leno

You realize that John Kerry could the first president to give both the State of the Union Address and then the rebuttal.-Jay Leno

John Kerry has three Purple Hearts for his war wounds and Dick Cheney has one Purple Heart from deep dish pizza.-Jay Leno

Boy, this campaign is getting ugly. You know, I'm not taking sides here but now some Republicans are suggesting that John Kerry actually tried to win three Purple Hearts in Vietnam because he knew that if you won three, you get to go home early. What an easy way to get out of combat by letting yourself get shot three times.-Jay Leno

John Kerry has now released his medical records and it turns out John Kerry still has some shrapnel buried in his left thigh. It's interesting because Bill Clinton also has that. Actually it's one of Monica's earrings.-David Letterman

Someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem � it doesn't have a message!-Jay Leno

The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.-David Letterman

Controversy about Democratic nominee John Kerry throwing away his military medals and ribbons... Not to be outdone, today President Bush threw away his Alabama National Guard spotty attendance ribbon.-David Letterman

President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.-Jay Leno

The issue of Kerry's military service has spawned a number of recent news-like events which have led to Republican charges the decorated war hero has something to hide. Because if there is one thing the Bush administration will not tolerate, it is ... other people's secrecy.-Jon Stewart

John Kerry was giving a big speech about the environment and a reporter asked him if he owned a SUV and he said, "No I do not.� And then the reporter asked him "What about the Chevy Suburban in the driveway?� He said "That�s my wife�s.� Thanks for clearing that up. Thank God it�s not politics as usual. -Jay Leno

John Kerry was talking about his concerns for the environment the other day. But when a reporter asked him if he owned the SUV that was in his driveway he said that it belonged to his wife. And the car that was in the living room, belonged to Billy Joel. -Jay Leno

John Kerry is recovering from shoulder surgery. He's taking so many pain pills right now that he can't feel a thing - he's almost a Republican. -David Letterman

Science And Technology

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger today passed a bill that would help put hydrogen-fueled cars on California roads by the year 2010. This bill is a way of putting out tentative feelers to see if hydrogen cars will be viable. Tentative feelers? Isn't that how Arnold got in trouble in the first place?-Jay Leno

And I read today Vice President Dick Cheney now drives the Republican version of a hybrid car. It runs on gasoline, and then when it gets on the highway it switches over to even more gasoline. -Jay Leno

You ever notice Republicans are only in favor of electric cars if they have golf clubs tied to the back? -Jay Leno

According to a study at the University of Washington, Hepatitis C may be spread through toothbrushes. They say a toothbrush could spread Hepatitis C and no one is immune - you know, other than the British ... other than them ... -Jay Leno

They are now making refrigerators with cameras on the inside so you can see the food before you open the door. We�ve become so obsessed with food now, when we�re not eating it we want to watch it on TV. -Jay Leno

Listen to this - according to a group of scientists, a new study claims that teenage lesbians have a higher chance of smoking than straight girls. Another study also reveals that guys who do studies would rather study teenage lesbians than almost anything else in the world. -Jay Leno

The Economy

The price of gas going crazy here in California. It�s the highest in the nation. The average price is like $2.50 a gallon in some places. In fact, gas is so expensive now, a lot of the gangs can�t even afford drive-by shootings anymore. They�re just walking around shooting people now.-Jay Leno

To give you an idea how bad it�s getting � on the way to work today, I saw a crystal-meth lab being converted into a gas station. They know where the money is. More money in it.-Jay Leno

You know what I love about California? People who complain about $2.50 a gallon for gas are happy to pay three bucks for a 12-ounce cappuccino. That seems fair. -Jay Leno

Today the Bush administration announced they're looking at some "short-term" solutions to high gasoline prices. They say they're looking for something that would solve the problem through maybe the first week in November.-Jay Leno

Gas prices are crazy. It�s getting so bad that the Amish are now complaining. -David Letterman

There is this rumor that the administration made a deal with the Saudis to lower gas prices before the election. President Bush was asked today if there was any quid pro quo with the Saudis. He said I wouldn't know, I don't speak Saudi Arabian.-Jay Leno

I had my car towed today. There's nothing wrong with it - that was just cheaper than buying a tank of gas.-Jay Leno

Gas is so expensive now, cab drivers are actually taking the short route to the airport. -Jay Leno

Thankfully, Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Of course, if they fight rising oil prices like they fight terrorism, oh we�ll be in great shape. -Jay Leno

On CNN today they said that the price of milk will go up 50 cents a gallon. What is OPEC raising cows now?-Jay Leno

Of course gas is just nuts here - I pulled into a station today and they had two pumps "screwed� and "self screwed�.-Jay Leno

I�ll tell you how painful it is: Now the attendant puts Vaseline around the tank before he shoves the nozzle in.-Jay Leno

You know who is happy about high oil prices? Marine life. Notice since oil prices went up, Exxon hasn�t spilled a single drop? -Jay Leno

Here�s some good news � major U.S. Exports are way up this year. The bad news � our number one export � jobs! -Jay Leno

Celebrities

Did you see Matt Lauer interviewing Donald Trump today? How�d you like to be the hair stylists in the NBC hair room for that interview? "I need backup!"-Jay Leno

Donald Trump is getting married. No date has been set for the divorce. -David Letterman

Paris Hilton was recently thrown off of a horse that she was riding. The horse said he threw her off because she made him feel dirty. -Jay Leno

It looks like Britney Spears might perform in China. I didn't even know she could lip-synch Chinese. -Jay Leno

Christina Aguilera has canceled her concert tour because of strained vocal cords. Britney Spears said "strained vocal chords? How�d she do that?�-Jay Leno

Even though the Martha Stewart trial is now over, she says she wants to be tried again. I think Martha Stewart has been working in TV too long. She thinks the judge is like a director: "I don't like the way that turned out - let's try it again from the top."-Jay Leno

K-Mart has signed with Martha Stewart for two more years. Kmart wants her for two more years. Unfortunately the government wants her for five years.-Jay Leno

She's asking for a new trial on the grounds that one of the jurors who convicted her once served red wine with fish.-Jay Leno

Kelly Osbourne is in rehab. No drug problem, people � she just misses her family. -Craig Kilborn

Christina Aguilera says that she sleeps with a night light on. She�s not afraid of the dark; she just wants to see who she�s sleeping with.-Conan O'Brien

Bobby Brown is shooting a new reality show about his life. Isn�t that called "Cops"? -Jay Leno

A celebrity birthday today � Marlon Brando. He turns 80 today. He celebrated, had a few close friends over and he ate them. -David Letterman

Today is Hugh Hefner�s birthday. And you can tell times have changed�now when he has 7 women with him at all times, 3 are registered nurses and 4 are organ donors. -Jay Leno

Jimmy Buffet sued a restaurant in Maine that was called "Cheeseburgers In Paradise�. The restaurant had to change its name. They changed it to "Haven�t Had A Hit Since 1982�-Conan O'Brien

Bill Gates not number one anymore, according to a Swedish magazine, the founder of Ikea is now the richest man in the world. I bet he doesn�t have any furniture in his house that you have to assemble. -Jay Leno

Angelina Jolie tells "In Touch� magazine that in three years she�d like to have a shaved head, 30 tattoos, 7 children, and 3 lovers. So apparently she�s trying to join the NBA.-Jay Leno

The LAPD has confirmed that they�re investigating new charges by a man who claims that Michael Jackson molested him in the late 1980�s. I wondered what happened to Webster. -Jay Leno

Over the weekend Billy Joel crashed his car into a house. The homeowner didn�t recognize Joel as singer, but rather as the guy that ran into his house last year. -Conan O'Brien

According to the tabloids, Michael Jackson has a secret plan to leave America and hide out in Africa. Is that really the best place for Michael to blend in, Africa? Wouldn�t Sweden work out better for him right now? -Jay Leno

Jennifer Lopez says that she regrets ever giving herself the nickname of "J.Lo�. She went on to say that she should have never taken nickname advice from a man named P. Diddy.-Conan O'Brien

Our old friend Tom Brokaw has announced that his last broadcast on the NBC nightly news will be December 1st. This way he can stay through the presidential election, the Florida recount and of course the Supreme Court decision.-Jay Leno

Ivana Trump is working on her own reality show called "Girls on Top�. It�s an upscale "Average Joe� where men try to date wealthy successful women. And today John Kerry said, "Where do they come up with these crazy ideas?� -Jay Leno

Janet Jackson is here tonight: She was once very close to Justin Timberlake - but I guess they had a falling out.-Jay Leno

I saw her drive in today. One headlight was out.-Jay Leno

Popular Culture

The mayor of St. Louis is starting a campaign to get St. Louis removed from the list of America�s Fattest Cities. The people of St. Louis knew they had a problem when someone got stuck walking through the Arch. -Conan O'Brien

A truck driver in Virginia won the state�s lottery. He won $239 million and a marriage proposal from John Kerry. -Craig Kilborn

A Catholic priest in Akron, Ohio has plead guilty to growing marijuana that he would share with others for "medicinal purposes�. This really shows you how times have changed-when church officials heard that another priest had been arrested, they said "Thank God it�s just drugs�. -Jay Leno

Fox News reports that telemarketers are hiring prison inmates to make phone calls instead of outsourcing the jobs to India. How thrilling is that going to be for Mom one day when the phone rings and it�s Martha Stewart.-Jay Leno

A Disneyworld employee dressed as Winnie the Pooh character "Tigger" was arrested today for fondling a 13-year-old girl and her mother while posing for a picture. He had his arms around the mother and daughter, then slid his hands down and fondled their breasts. It�s dumb enough to commit this crime, but why would you do it while someone is taking your picture?! -Jay Leno

Volvo says it has a new car out that is designed by women for women. It even has a global positioning device where if it spots a husband anywhere in the world cheating, it positions itself to run the guy over. -Jay Leno

Some sad news - the inventor of the telephone answering machine has passed away at the age of 92. Ironically, his last words were "Doc - pick up! I�m having a heart attack! Pick up!! Are you there? Hey! Hey!" -Jay Leno

Due to a computer glitch last week, customers' credit cards were charged three times the amount at Wal-Mart. A customer realized the glitch when he was charged $15 for a $5 suit.-Conan O'Brien

Well, in China now there�s a big concern in zoos that their panda population may be in trouble. Apparently the pandas are so fat they can no longer mate. Hey, that hasn�t stopped us Americans from mating. Just send them here. We'll show them how to do it. -Jay Leno

74 years ago today, do you know what was invented? The Hostess Twinkee. Hostess Twinkee was invented by a Chicago baker. Do you ever read the expiration date on a Hostess Twinkee? It says when the sun hits the earth. -Jay Leno

And parents in Australia now are very upset that a company has come out with vodka ice cream. Vodka ice cream � who is this for? Alcoholics that also want diabetes now? You know, the blackouts aren�t enough; I want a brain freeze too. -Jay Leno

Last night here on NBC, six Miss USA contestants competed on "Fear Factor." Is that a big deal? To see them on "Jeopardy," that would be a worth watching. -Jay Leno

The brother of late mob boss john Gotti has been sentenced to 9 � years in prison for money laundering, conspiracy and racketeering charges. See, it just proves that every family has a black sheep. -Jay Leno

At Duke University, officials are so worried about their students� staying up till 1 am they eliminated 8 a.m. classes. Students couldn�t be happier. Now they can stay up till 3 A.M. -Jay Leno

In a surprise move on Monday, the CEO of U.S. Airways resigned under pressure. He was asked to leave out the front, the back or the two side exits. -Jay Leno

It was on this day that John Wilkes booth, who was a famous actor, shot President Abraham Lincoln, thus starting a bad tradition of celebrities getting involved in politics. -Jay Leno

And J.C. Penny has sold its Eckerd Drug Store chain, for four and half billion dollars. It was bought by Rush Limbaugh. -Jay Leno

Today marks the one hundredth birthday of Times Square. Times Square was opened in 1904. Isn�t that amazing? What that means is that all this week you can get a hooker at 1904 prices. -David Letterman

Did you know this is the 100th anniversary of the New York subway system? In honor of the celebration all this weekend the subway is running some vintage cars. Hey, if I want to ride in a 50-year-old relic I�ll hail a cab. -David Letterman

Yesterday the Walt Disney Company fired the entire top management structure at ABC. I was shocked. I didn�t know anybody was even running ABC. -Jay Leno

Here�s a bizarre story - in Mexico, a cook killed one of his buddies, cut him up and boiled him with some herbs. Actually, there�s a name for that recipe. Juan ton soup.-Jay Leno

In Key West, Florida, a straight couple was tried to check into a gay hotel but were turned away because they weren�t gay. Isn�t that unbelievable? They pleaded with the clerk they said, "We can�t help it - we were born this way!�-Jay Leno

Some sad news � cosmetic mogul Estee Lauder has passed away at the age of 97. Apparently she died 2 years ago, but her make up was so good that nobody noticed. -Jay Leno

Results of a recent survey show that 17 million Americans have stopped downloading music illegally. They say these kids have gone back to getting music the old fashioned way � just shoplifting it. -Jay Leno

A New York court official is suing the city after a toilet he was sitting on exploded. Shouldn�t it be the other way around? Shouldn�t the city of New York sue your fat ass for breaking the toilet? -Jay Leno

There was a huge spectacle in New York�s Central Park last week when two gay lovers took off their clothes, climbed a tree, where they engaged in lewd sex acts for four hours before hundreds of onlookers. Men having sex in trees � that�s something to think about the next time you bite into one of those Kebbler Elf cookies. -Jay Leno

Two guys were arrested after they were found naked in a tree in Central Park. They were naked � and having sex. Well I can�t blame them though because the prices of New York hotels are just crazy. -David Letterman

Over the weekend these two guys were caught having sex in a tree in Central Park and they were arrested. When they were being questioned they were asked, "Why were you having sex in a tree?� And they said, "Well the subway was too crowded.�-David Letterman

In Central Park, two gay men climbed a tree and performed lewd acts for four hours in front of hundreds of spectators to protest the fact that their parents did not condone their relationship. When he heard about it, President Bush said today, "See this is why we need to cut down more trees. They�re nothing but problems.� -Jay Leno

Some bad news out of France. The Mona Lisa is deteriorating. It�s warping and buckling. But don�t worry they�re going to have a crew repair it. It�s the same team that worked on Cher. -David Letterman

McDonald's

McDonald's announced they are selling a line of clothing called "McKids." McKids clothes from McDonald's. Gee, I wonder if it will have an expandable waistband. -Jay Leno

According to the "Wall Street Journal�, McDonald�s is going to start offering bunless hamburgers for customers who want to cut down on their carbs...bunless? Their hamburgers are already pretty much meatless - why bother there at all? -Jay Leno

Today McDonald�s launched their new anti-obesity campaign. The weird thing is that their anti-obesity campaign comes with fries. -Conan O'Brien

McDonald�s has announced that they are coming out with an adult Happy Meal. It comes with a salad, a bottle of water and McPorn.-Conan O'Brien

Earth Day

Happy Earth Day everybody! President Bush and John Kerry celebrated Earth Day by slinging mud at each other.-Jay Leno

Earth Day is Al Gore's favorite day. Did you know that? You wanna know his least favorite day? Election Day.-Jay Leno

A lot of people marked earth day by walking to work. They're not environmentalists, they just can't afford the gas.-Jay Leno

President Bush spoke out about the environment today. He�s against it. -Jay Leno

Movies

At the box office, the three most recent number one films of the week have gone from "The Passion of the Christ" to "Dawn of the Dead" to "Hellboy." Are we moving in the wrong direction here?-Jay Leno

The adult film industry has shut down all production because two of their stars have tested positive for HIV. Governor Schwarzenegger has of course declared a state of emergency and President Bush says we may have to dip into our porn reserve.-Jimmy Kimmel

As you might have heard, the adult movie industry here in California has been abruptly shut down because of a health scare. All adult movie production has been halted. Putting out of work nearly 2,000 actors and actresses, 400 donkeys, 28 Great Danes, 5 standard poodles and a gopher.-Jay Leno

The porn industry here has been totally shut down. Which is kind of good because tomorrow is "Take Your Daughter to Work Day�.-Jay Leno

They say that 6,000 actresses are out of work because of the porn shutdown. 6,000 actresses, 400 cameramen and 1 writer. -Jay Leno

I have some good news on the health scare in the porn industry. There�s been a health scare in the porn industry. But the good news is that it�s still safe to watch! -Craig Kilborn

I don�t know, L.A. without a porn industry. It�s like Sodom without Gomorrah.-Jay Leno

The third "Matrix� movie was released on DVD today. The bad news - it�s the exact same version that was in theaters.-Jay Leno

It looks like Disney may have done the impossible. The movie "The Alamo� could actually be a bigger disaster than the real Alamo. -Jay Leno

"The Passion of The Christ� is nearing the $500 million mark. So if you�re Mel Gibson today is a really "Good Friday.� -Jay Leno

"The Passion of The Christ" was once again the number one movie over the Easter weekend. See? Two thousand years of advertising can really pay off.-Jay Leno

"The Passion of The Christ� is now one of the top ten films of all time. And that Mel Gibson, let me tell you something � he is very clever. Did you notice at the end when you thought Jesus was dead, he got up and walked off�.leaving things open for a sequel. -Jay Leno

Did you know in Mexico "The Passion of The Christ" got a rating that restricts anyone under 18 from seeing it? Now Mexican parents who want to take their kids to the movie have to sneak them into the U.S.-Jay Leno

"The National Equirer� reports Monica Lewinsky wants to get 5 to 10 million dollars for the movie rights to her relationship to Bill Clinton. Monica Lewinsky says she wants Mandy Moore to play her in the movie about her life. Mandy Moore? Michael Moore would be more like it! -Jay Leno

This weekend NBC airs 10.5 a disaster movie about a huge earthquake that hits the west coast. Have you ever noticed when there�s a bad disaster in a TV Movie, only bad actors are affected. Earthquakes never seem to hit where Meryl Streep or Russell Crowe are. It�s always Erik Estrada trapped under something heavy. -Jay Leno

Sports

Today is the official opening day of Major League Baseball. You see Vice President Dick Cheney throwing out the first pitch in Cincinnati? Did you see that? Did you see Cheney throwing that ball? At first I thought it was the new Levitra commercial.-Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds opening game. And President Bush, he threw out the first pitch at the Cardinals opener. Well it's nice to see they have the time for that kind of stuff now that everything is under control in Iraq.-Jay Leno

Before President Bush threw out the first pitch, the White House released a statement saying the president had been suffering from a sore shoulder. You know, can't Bush do anything about the White House downplaying expectations?-Jay Leno

Did you see this? On opening day Barry Bonds hit a home run into the upper deck at Giants Stadium in San Francisco. Which was pretty amazing, considering the game was being played in Houston!-Jay Leno

Congratulations to Barry Bonds who now passing his godfather Willie Mays for 3rd place in career home runs. Barry now has 660. In second place is Babe Ruth and 1st place is Hank Aaron. In fact, Bonds is on such a roll now, the only thing that could stop him now is an injury or a urine test! -Jay Leno

The Boston Red Sox fans have voted online for a title for an upcoming movie about the Red Sox. The title the fans chose was "Still, We Believe�. I would have gone with, "Damn Yankees�. -Jay Leno

The San Diego Padres have a brand new $300 million baseball stadium, "Petco Park," named after the pet store chain. The annoying thing is when you want to buy peanuts, they only have the 50-pound bags. -Jay Leno

The "New York Post� is reporting that it costs more for a family of four to go to a Mets game than a Yankees game. Mainly it costs more for a Mets game because you have to pay for a ticket and then pay your family to go along. -Conan O'Brien

Congratulations to the Detroit Tigers who are continuing to do terrific. I think they�re in first place aren�t they? This is the biggest news for Detroit sports fans since the Lions won that game a couple of years ago. -Jay Leno

The Summer Olympics are coming up. The latest big news is that Greece may not finish some of their buildings needed for the games. In a related story this year the triathlon will consist of running, swimming and concrete pouring. -Conan O'Brien

Congratulations to Phil Mickelson, who is on the show tonight. Just won his first major tournament on his 43rd attempt. He won one out of 43rd � or, as we call that in Los Angeles, "the Clippers." -Jay Leno

He�s a really nice guy, Phil. I only hope now he doesn�t get cocky and think he�s gonna win every 43rd time. -Jay Leno

The color barrier was broken in Major League Baseball on this date in 1947 when Jackie Robinson played for the Brooklyn Dodgers. In a related story, it was on this date in 2002 that the color barrier on the show "Friends� was broken when Aisha Tyler guest starred. -Jay Leno

The Boston Celtics announced today that they�re going to hire cheerleaders. They�ve been the only team in the NBA without cheerleaders but they finally gave in. Technically the Clippers don�t have cheerleaders they have a team of what they call grief counselors. -Jay Leno

Any football fans? In the NFL Draft on Saturday, Ohio State tied the record by having 14 players drafted. To put that in perspective, that�s more players than Ohio State had graduate. -Jay Leno