War On Terror

It is starting to look more and more like the terrorist attack in Spain was the work of al Qaeda and today President Bush called the Prime Minister of Spain to offer his condolences and said 'If it makes you feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing to do with it.'-Bill Maher

If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.-Jon Stewart

The 25 members of Iraq's governing council signed a landmark interim constitution Monday. Officials say it's the first constitution in history to end with the words 'Here goes nothing.'-Tina Fey

It's the one year anniversary of the Iraq war President Bush and Dick Cheney shared a quiet dinner to celebrate and then they paged through their scrapbook of made-up intelligence.-Bill Maher

To celebrate the one-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, Colin Powell paid a visit to our troops over there. But I think he's getting a little bit cocky - he used one of Saddam's old palaces to tape an episode of 'Cribs.'-Bill Maher

The President is having a little trouble keeping the coalition together. The President of Poland, one of our key allies, said that 'We were taken for a ride on the weapons of mass destruction.' Wow. Now I know that Bush and Powell and Cheney are all out there still trying to make the case for war, but you know what, when the Polish figure out the gag...-Bill Maher

Politics

Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone pancreatitis. While he was there, doctors may also try to remove the stick from his butt.-Tina Fey

Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights.-Bill Maher

Have you seen President Bush has already started running his campaign ads, the theme of which, apparently is, 'This Shit Ain't My Fault.' No, I'm serious, his ads talk about the attacks of 9/11, the recession, the dot-com bubble bursting, and then they end with his slogan, 'Vote For Me, Mr. Lucky.'-Bill Maher

Have you seen these ads? They look a lot like Reagan's 'Morning in America' ads with the slow motion images of regular Americans, the new age piano music. It looks a lot like a Claritin ad. And at the end, you hear a voice-over say, 'Ask your doctor if George Bush is right for you. ...But it all kind of back-fired. I mean, they were all meant to be gauzy, feel-good image ads, but a lot of people ... are pissed off because they used images from 9/11 and the World Trade Center. The president of the firefighters' union said it was disgraceful, there was a 9/11 widow who said, 'It made me sick,' and there was Mel Gibson who said, 'Not enough blood.'-Bill Maher

The White House predicted 150,000 new jobs for the month that just passed. The statistics came back: 21,000. But, you know, the White House, always up for solutions through labeling. From now on, Americans who've lost their jobs will no longer be known as 'unemployed,' they are enjoying 'Operation Week-Day Freedom.'-Bill Maher

Let's just be real and admit that finally, and unfortunately, true class warfare has come to America: Yale class of '66 versus Yale class of '68.-Bill Maher

Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies. (Bush says) 'Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country and to isolate America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America's standing in the world. Interesting...that you would think that's still possible.-Jon Stewart

John Kerry

This is the week the general election started. Not surprising to me that John Kerry is the candidate. It's like any other reality show. The more interesting people get booted off first.-Bill Maher

Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow.-Bill Maher

John Kerry, Democrat candidate, he is taking some time off in his home in Idaho from the campaign. The newspapers said he was 'snow boarding down Mt. Baldy.' Well you think the secret service can come up with a better code name for oral sex, couldn't ya.-Bill Maher

The Law

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has refused to recuse himself to the case involving Dick Cheney simply because he went duck hunting with Dick Cheney. He said, 'If it is reasonable to think a Supreme Court Justice can be bought so cheap than this nation is in deeper trouble than I thought, and besides, I already cashed the check.'-Bill Maher

The California Supreme Court has ordered a halt to same-sex marriages in this state. ... This ruling is bad news not just for gay people, but for this state's economy because the only growth industry we've had here in California is renting tuxedos to lesbians.-Bill Maher

Michael Jackson

Celebrities

Despite the fact that [Martha] Stewart has disgraced herself too much to hold an official position at Omni media, the company may still use her name and images to sell their products. You know, sorta like Clinton and the Democrats.-Tina Fey

Popular Culture

A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into an airplane hangar and stole two planes, flying one into an power line, thus fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard.-Tina Fey

Sports