THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

Day One:

Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap.
Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.

Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.


Day Three:

Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.


Day Four:

Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank.

Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.


Day Six:

Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.

He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.

Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Ten:

Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.

Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.

It must truly be an object of awesome power.



Day Eleven:

Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.

Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.



Day 24:

Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.

Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.



Day 27 :

Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches.


So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them.

Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.



Day 30 :

Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them.

Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.

Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Right?


Day 33 :

Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle.

Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.


Day 36 :

Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.

Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1

Day One:

Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.

Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

Still not King.


Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.

Not King yet.


Day Six:

Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.

Yes!

Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.

Still not King.


Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria.

Big Baelrog.

Not King today either.



Day Eleven:

Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Legolas may be hotter than me.

I wonder if he would like me if I was King?


Day 28:

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.

Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

Still not King.


Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me.

Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.

Took a shower. Yay!

But still not King.


Day 32:

Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.



Day 33:

Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

Not so sure about Gimli either.

RIP Boromir.

Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.


Day 34:

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.

Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.


THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2

Day One

Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.

Stubble update: satisfactory.

Day Two

Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.

Day Three

Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'

Day Four

Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.

Day Six

In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"

Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.

In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.

Day Seven

Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.

Day Nine

Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.

Stubble update: wet.

Day Twelve

Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.

Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.

Day Fourteen

Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.

Day Fourteen, Later

Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.

Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.

Day Fifteen

Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.


God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still not King.

 

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:

Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried.

Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?


Day Three:

Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.

Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. and another one.

Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.


Day Four:

Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.


Day Five:

Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

Gandalf no fun at all.

*sulk*


Day Six:

Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.

Decided not to tell him about all the baths.


Day Seven:

Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.



Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.


Day Eight:

Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.

Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia.

Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.


Day Nine:

Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Ten:

V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit.

Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

Ick.


Day Fifteen:

Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center.

Pippin agrees.

Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible.

Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

Hate Pippin.



Day Twenty-Two:

Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.


Day Twenty-Three:

Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr.Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself.

Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.


Day Twenty-Four:

Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah!

Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY

Day One:

In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?


Day Two:

Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.


Day Three:

Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.


Day Twelve:

Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.


Day Thirteen :

Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.


Day Fourteen :

Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!


Day Sixteen :

Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.


Day Nineteen :

Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.


Day Twenty :

Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.


Day Twenty-One:

Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.


Day Twenty-Three :

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.


Day Twenty-Five :

Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.


Day Twenty-Six:

In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.


Day Twenty-Seven:

Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!


THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARWEN UNDOMIEL

Day One

Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine's Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.


Day Two

Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.


Day Three

Someone's been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.


Day Six

Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?


Day Eleven

Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him 'the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike' at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn?t understand it; he's awfully pretty, but not so bright.


Day Thirteen

Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.


Day Fifteen

Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!


Day Seventeen

Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, 'What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?' Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, 'The Still Not King guy, right?' Did not respond; some people don't deserve my conversation.


Day Eighteen

Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.


Day Twenty

Doesn't he ever wash his hair when I'm not around?


Day Twenty-Four

Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Twenty-Five

Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn's direction... alas no dice. 'But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!'

Whingy little hobbit, I've no patience at all.


Day Twenty-Six

Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.

Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.

Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: 'Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.' Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.


Day Twenty-Seven

Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.


Day Twenty-Nine

Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits? quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.


Day Thirty

Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing - all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing - all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing - will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.


Day Thirty-Two

Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: 'You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself.' To which he replied, 'If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.'


Day Forty

Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn?t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn?s pocket for nothing.





THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ELROND

Day 1:

Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.

NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take home. Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.


Day 3:

Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.


Day 2,0045:

So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better to do on a weekend to come. Go me!

Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds, a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so strangely fond of.


Day 200048:

Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make for quite the party.


Day 200050:

Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently just to have a whinge about big fight he had with Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like an Agony Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?


Day 200051:

Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council. Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil, blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have to suffer just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.


Day 200059:

Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me to sort out my priorities. He should talk -- he's the one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves such wimps.


Day 200061:

Everyone finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all those hobbits after all.


Day 200068:

All right, who's been using all my strawberry bath
bubbles?

Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the state of *his* hair.


Day 200071:

Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat. Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there no peace to be had?


Day 200072:

Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed her tiara.

Tiara looks better on me anyway.


Day 200075:

Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of
Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was watching as could hear tittering noise coming from broom closet. Do not see what is so funny -- purple dress looks fabulous on me.


Day 200076:

Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not notice -- she gets so grabby about her things, and since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way to get another dress like it.

Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI - SON OF GLOIN

DAY ONE

Grr. Argh.


DAY TWO

Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.


DAY THREE

Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can't even grow decent beards.


DAY SEVEN

Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fianc?e in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness.

Later.

Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!


DAY NINE

Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about ?our relationship.?


DAY THIRTEEN

V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. That?s right, Isildur?s Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.


DAY FOURTEEN

In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.


DAY FIFTEEN

Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.


DAY SIXTEEN

Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.


DAY TWENTY

In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.


DAY TWENTY-TWO

Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.


THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS Part 1

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano.

Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.


Day Four:

Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy human who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.

Go me!


Day Six:

Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.


Day Ten:

Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.



Day Eleven:

In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.


Day 30:

All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.


Day 33 :

Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.


Day 35:

Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary.

Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.

Cannot understand it.

Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.

Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.




THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS Part 2

Day One:

Whee!


Day Two:

I like to run!


Day Three:

I look good when I run!


Day Four:

I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?


Day Six:

Is Gimli staring at my butt?


Day Seven:

No wonder he's always lagging behind.


Day Eight:

Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.

Am still the prettiest.


Day Nine:

Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.

Still prettiest.


Day Ten:

Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.

Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.


Day Eleven:

Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.

Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.

Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?


Day Twelve:

Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.

Note to self: never date Gandalf.


Day Fifteen:

Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.

Not the prettiest! V. bitter.


Day Nineteen:

Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.


Day Twenty:

Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.


Day Twenty-seven:

Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!


Day Twenty-nine:

Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."

Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.


Day Twenty-Nine:

Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.


Day Thirty:

Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.

Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.

No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far.