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| * WARNING!!* THIS TOPIC MAY BE A TRIGGER TO SOME OF YOU SO PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION..... |
| When I initally put together my first website, people (some) couldn't understand WHY I would put personal info online..Well I imagine I will pretty much get the same response with this site as well. Truth be told, I am doing this for 2 reasons, the first being that I need to 'get it out' and I believe in order to fully heal I need a sense of closure. The second reason being that, maybe, somebody reading this will feel not quite so alone or afraid...and to me that is important. I felt alone and afraid for a very long time, slowly though, thanks to sites similar to this I've met some wonderful ppl online who've experienced sexual abuse and from them I have recieved great comfort and an added strength...hopefully this site will do the same for another. Before I get into my experiences I would like to share with you the definition of child abuse and neglect from the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act, (CAPTA), Public Law 104-235. Child abuse and neglect is defined as "at a minimum, any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker, which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or explotation, or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm." The term child is someone who has not reached the age of 18; or (except in the case of sexual abuse) the age specified by the child protection law of the area in which the child lives. The term "sexual abuse" as defined by the CAPTA is "the employment, use, persuasion, inducement, enticement or coercion of any child to engage in, or assist any other person to engage in, any sexually explicit conduct or stimulation of such conduct for the purpose of producing a visual depiction of such conduct, or the rape, and in cases of caretaker or inter-familial relationships, statutory rape, molestation, prostitution or other form of sexual exploitation of children or incest with children." There are four different types of child abuse ~ Emotional abuse, neglect, physical abuse and sexual abuse... EMOTIONAL ABUSE ~ (verbal, mental and psychological maltreatment) Includes acts or the failures to act by parents or caretakers that have caused or could cause, serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional or mental disorders. This can include parents/caretakers using extreme and/or bizarre forms of punishment, such as confinment in a closet or dark room or being tied to a chair for long periods of time or threatening or terrorizing a child. Less severe acts, but no less damaging are belittling or rejecting treatment, using derogatory terms to describe the child, habitual scapegoating or blaming. NEGLECT ~ The failure to provide for the child's basic needs. Neglect can be physical, educational or emotional. Physical neglect can include not providing adequate food or clothing, appropriate medical care, supervision or proper weather protection (ie; heat or coats). It may include abandonment. Educational neglect includes failure to provide appropriate schooling or special educational needs, allowing excessive truancies. Psychological neglect includes the lack of any emotional support and love, never attending to the child, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol abuse including allowing the child to participate in drug and alcohol use. PHYSICAL ABUSE ~ The inflicting of physical injury up a child. This may include, burning, hitting, punching, shaking, kicking, beating or otherwise harming a child. The parent or caretaker may not have intended to hurt the child, the injury is not an accident. It may however, been the result of over-discipline or physical punishment that is inappropriate to the childs age. SEXUAL ABUSE ~ The inappropriate sexual behaviour with a child. It includes fondling a childs genitals (clothed or unclothed), making the child fondle the adult's genitals, intercourse (actual or simulated) , incest, rape, sodomy, exhibitionism and sexual explotation. To be considered child abuse these acts have to be commited by a person responsible for the care of a child. (ie; a babysitter, parent or daycare provider) or related to the child. If a stranger commits these acts, it would be considered sexual assult and handled solely by the police and criminal courts. Here is my story ~ I am the youngest of 3 children, the only adopted one as well as the only 'black' (I am actually mixed) member of the family. Mind you I really don't think that those facts have anything to do with the abuse that occured simply because my sister, who is this 'man's' biological daughter, was also abused. (note; I use the term man very loosely when refering to him). * My sister - Well that is a different story. That is her story and I will leave it at that* Though there was no penetration or oral contact I use the word abuse because thats exactly what it was...Believe it or not, I have actually had people say to me stupid things like " well if there was no oral contact and he didn't have sex with you then you weren't really abused and whats the big deal?!" Well!! Let me say THIS to those of you who have that attitude ~ Some forms of abuse are most definately worse than others and compared to many survivors out there, yes, my abuse isn't NEARLY as bad!! BUT!! No matter how major or mild it may seem to you, they are ALL abuse and they are ALL physically, mentally and emotionally damaging!! The abuse that I went through began roughly at the age of about 5 and consisted of clothed and unclothed breast and genital contact, crude comments, alot of 'accidentally' bursting into the bathroom or my bedroom while I was getting out of the tub or dressed and then standing there with this sick leery look on his face. In the beginning there were a couple of incidents were I would have to help 'wash' him in the shower. I was pretty young then and did shower with him those couple of times then that stopped. To some of you that may seem minor or petty, but I can assure you that it wasn't to me. In fact it did some major damage and paved a path in life for me that has not been nice. I don't know exactly when it stopped or what caused it to stop for that matter, the whole thing was blocked out until the summer before my 14th birthday. Something happened and it all came flooding back in minutes and hit me like a brick shithouse! I asked talked to my sister about it and she admitted that the same thing had happened to her but the result of that conversation was not good, she decided to sweep it under the rug...I on the other hand began to have behavioural problems (more behavioural problems I should say.). Then, to add fuel to the fire, that very same summer, while partying where and when I bloody well shouldn't have been, I was raped. Before the rape I was a virgin. So by the age of 14, I had already lost my childhood (the memories and the innocence), been tossed out of the house (which in actual fact was a combo of getting tossed and voluntarily leaving), and lost my virginity to a rapist. Nice way to begin those teen years!! How did I handle it?! I didn't. Instead I just wanted to be numb to it all. In comes the drinking....then the drugs. I can honestly say that I had developed an anger and hate for men which turned into a very dangerous thing. (IMO) I began to purposely put myself into foolish and dangerous predicaments, getting so drunk I'd blackout on a regular basis, hitchhiking from town to town, partying, drinking and getting high with complete strangers in cities/towns were I knew no-one and no-one knew me. Sleeping around just because I figured if you didn't give a man what he wanted he would just take it from you anyway so might as well just 'up it'...That lasted for about 2 yrs, then all of a sudden I didn't want anything to do with sex. The thought of it made my skin crawl, I did however have a couple of boyfriends over the next few years. The first one I was terrified of and he treated me like shit.The next one was a really nice guy who unfortuately became my punching bag..During that time I was attacked again, for the last time...That was an experience that I have never told the truth about to anyone and I may never. It was the straw that broke the camels back basicly...I ended up making poor choices in the boyfriend department figuring I didnt deserve anything better...my drug use got worse and my self-esteem hit an all time low. I decided to not mention any of my attacks after that because by this time I'd convinced myself that I deserved it! All of it. I was being punished for something, I didn't know what, but I must have done something because good, nice girls don't have awful things like this happen to them...Not good girls. Not nice girls. Only the bad, dirty girls go through that sort of stuff....THIS is what I had myself believing. I didn't know it at the time, but I ended up 'developing' some 'habits' (for lack of a better term) on top of the drug and alcohol abuse. I of course was very depressed quite often, wouldn't talk to anyone, had no desire to get out of bed or bathe, like I had mentioned before my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent, I didn't trust anyone etc. I became overly comfortable being alone, (I now remember that I enjoyed that as a child too, not being around others), I had some pretty interesting thoughts of death, attempted suicide a couple of times but more out of the need for help then to actually die, though if I would have died I can honestly say I wouldn't have cared. I also at some point during my teen yrs began a little habit called "Self-Injury". When I would become over stressed I would purposely hurt myself. (I don't think its that serious compared to what some ppl do though) Sometimes I would do mild cutting or scratching but I would always bite my tongue. Literally bite pieces off. I remember more than a few times that I would bite off so many pieces or such big ones that while it was healing I couldn't talk properly or eat. These days, I still do and experience all of these things just not quite so often or to such an extent..Slowly I am getting 'better' and my outlook is different to what it was but there are some things that I dont think I will ever get over. Going through all of this, I think the most difficult thing has been the fact that I've had to go it alone. Yes, of course the actual acts were hell right from the beginning but to live life all these years without any support was very hard. I think more than anything (other then the obvious, which would be for none of it to have ever happened), all I wanted was for somebody to listen, to HEAR me and to BELIEVE me. Not just sit there and say "yep, uh huh, go on". The abuse that occured when I was a child was swept under the rug up until about a year ago. And even though I brought it up again and this time even tried to puzzle things together for some people so they would understand, its been swept under the rug again. The one person who didn't know about it in the beginning is the only who showed any support 1 yr ago, and still its unspoken of. Thats okay though, I suppose, I'm in my 30's now with children of my own and I have made it clear (IMO) that I WILL NOT hide from it any more. So much of my life has been wasted, I've missed out on so much, so many important things like a childhood that I can share with my children or being able to look back and remember losing my virginity to my first true love or graduating high school and going off to college with my peers (can't do that when you drop out now can you?!). I may not be able to have those things this time around but I do have my future and this time I am doing for me.. Some of the problems I have as a result of the abuse, like the low self-esteem, flashbacks, nightmares and not really being able to fully enjoy sex with my partner hopefully will completey go away someday. Other things, however, like my episodes of depression, occasional fits of paranoia and explosive fits of rage may not. I feel this way because those particular problems get fueled by other crappy things that happen in life. To be honest though, I will be happy just keeping them under control. I don't expect my life to ever be perfect I just want the rest of my life to be happy. I want inner peace and I want to grow old and die knowing that maybe things weren't so shit hot for the first half of my life but damn, the second half was beautiful! |
| CHILD ABUSE My Story by Raven |
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| my Occasional Journal ~ Things don't always come out the first time!! TEMP CLOSED |