To forgive or not to forgive...that is the question....well I choose not! Go ahead and say that I am being mean, or call me names or whatever. Your opinon of me is totally irrelivent! You haven't walked in my shoes, you haven't lived my life and you don;t know first hand, how I feel. Let's not get into that though.
Hmm should I forgive the man who, under the law, swore to protect me, provide for me and keep me from harm? Hell no!! Five years after I was adopted that son of a bitch went back on his word! How can anyone expect me to feel forgiving to the man who treated me like a sex toy?! Taught me to live in fear? Completely robbed me of my innocence?!! Would you? Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't...but you aren't me are you? No of course you aren't...Not only did he go back on his word but you know what, I look back at the last time I saw him, which is right before he moved out of the country, and I see his face, and all I see is pride and evil in his eyes! That bastard NEW, somehow he knew I remembered (mind you I have a feeling that my mother questioned him when I brought it up yrs before but I don't know for sure), he knew and he was proud! He also knew that he was getting away with it!! It was all a fucking game to him. Do you know that the first Xmas that he lived out of the country that sick twisted fuck sent my sister and I lingerie as Christmas gifts!! In my eyes thats just another way of laughing at us!! He has NO remorse for what he did! He probably doesn't even think about it! He could care less that he destroyed our lives! So you tell me, WHY? Why should I forgive that SOB?! Forgive him? It'll never happen..
Let's move on shall we? The man that took my viginity...will I ever forgive him? Nope. He never even acknowledged what he did in fact, he took it upon himself to go around town telling everyone that I was a fucked up little kid who was begging for it!! You would not believe the shit I went through over that one!! I was a 13 y/o girl who was notorious for running away from home, at the time was living with a bunch of partiers and this prick was 29 yrs old...who would you believe?? So no I don't imagine I will ever forgive him either...
The 3rd incident, I don't want to talk about (you were warned about that on a different page)..there are 2 other people that I feel should be forgiven, whether or not it happens is a different story. My sister, well let me say this, if someday she can come to grips with it all then maybe her and I will speak again. I'm not angry with her because she wants to live in denial, I am angry with her because she expects ME too as well. I can't do that! I lived under a dark, scary rock all alone for many years, I don't want to be there any more. I don't want to be a VICTIM anymore, I want to get my life together, I want to feel safe, I want to HEAL!! I really hope that someday she'll want that too...but that is up to her. For the most part I do forgive my sister, I love her dearly. There was a time when she was my best friend, when I thought we knew each other...I guess times change..I will always love her and I'll always be here for her if she needs me but like I said, I REFUSE to hide anymore. If I were to do that I would end up dead and I am far too young to die yet!
The final person is my mom. Her and I are from 2 completely different worlds...no doubt about that. I love her very dearly too but there is the slight problem of what comes across to me as a refusal to believe or acknowledge what happened. Even though she knows and if she were to actually look into she would see all the signs were there she chooses not to see. Granted I can understand in a way the fact that its a very harsh thing to deal with, I mean him being her husband and all but damn! how does she think I feel? As I sit here and type this I can honestly say that I doubt very much that her and I will ever talk about what happened. For that matter I doubt that anyone in my family will ever really be willing to talk about it...there's nothing I can do about that though. I can handle that too...I had one member of my family say, "I'm sorry, I didn't know" which is true that person DIDN'T know up until a year ago..my mom however did know...all I ever wanted and still want is for her to acknowledge and believe..too many years have gone by and far too much damage has been done for any type of legal action or confrontation to occur. I'm okay with that...I just want her to believe and maybe say something like "I know I wasn't there then but if I can help you heal now I'm here" She was never there...she's not there now and to be quite honest, as far as this particular issue goes, I doubt she'll ever be there..maybe someday I'll be able to forgive her for that but right now as I sit here fucking hurting and crying I can't..Not today.....but maybe someday..
~ by Raven 2001
Update Mar 3 2003 ~ Well you know what...I put in the above that I love my mother and you know....I don't.....I thought I did for all those yrs and I couldn't figure out why but the perfect term was given to me for it a few months back...I have a misplaced loyalty to her....I also put in the above that I doubt her and I will ever talk about what her husband did to me...well she proved that last summer...She also proved that not only is my mental well being not important to her but this whole thing is of no importance to her....I have since then come to terms with that fact and though I am civil and play nice so to speak....I really have nothing to say to her and no..I will never forgive her.
UPDATE ~ May 28 2003 - Well its time to move on in life.....things have happened.....some things, like I mentioned above, will never change....so its officially getting close to the time for me to close the door......I feel bad that they (my family) choose to live under that rock and pretend these things never happened but there isnt anything I can do about it....I just know that they arent dragging me down with them.....I have too much at stake, mainly my kids and my sanity....I'd like to keep both in tact thank you very much ;-) I'll never forget any of it.....all of it had a HUGE devestating and extremely damaging effect on my life so I cant forget any of it...HOW I see it now though is a different story.....I dont cry any more I realized...I just think, wow that whole thing SUCKED but look at how I've turned out AND I've managed to raise two kick ass wonderful kids in spite of it all!! I won't forget or forgive....I WILL from now onward though, move ahead and move up! Its not impossible...its not easy at times but its definately not impossible!!! ;-) |
