How long have  been gone?
“About four months. I left  in May and I arrived last week.”

How was your extended vacation ?
“No,   I   didn’t  go to US to have  a vacation. What should I be vacationing  for?  What  gave me  the right to  have  a  vacation?  It’s  important  for people to know that, 1) I didn’t leave the Philippines to vacation, 2) I didn’t leave the Philippines to leave  my family   for another family because I don’t have another family, and  3)  I  was  not  my  choice  to  have stayed away  as long as I did; I was only prepared to stay away at most until May 19 ( he left May 13). I should have been back on May 21. I was  gone for almost four months.”

Who or what made you stay longer in the US?
“No one made me stay longer. I didn’t leave the Philippines to be with anyone in the US.”

Not even yourself?
“Not even. I’m the last person I want to be with right now.” (Laughs)

Aren’t you nice company?
“I used to be. But the last five months, no. But I will be again very soon.”

What did you do during  your almost  four months in the US?
“ I went there to look for answers.  During my farewell appearance on ASAP, I said  that I was leaving  to find  my smile, but I did not. Did I find the answers? I did not.”

Not even one answer?
“Not even one. Probably because  I was looking  for a certain answer and it’s important for people to know that what inspired the whole trip was to give a little space  and time to both Pops and me – for healing, for restoration,  for soul-searching. I was hoping  that somewhere in that space  and time , Pops would give me  the chance  that I probably  don’t deserve.”

During those four months, didn’t you have any contact with Pops?
“the first month, I didn’t call. I was hoping that  my ‘speech’ on ASAP would at least inspire  her to at least call and ask, ‘Hey, what are you doing?” But I fully understand that I’m the one who caused all of this; Pops is not to blame for any of this. I have promised Pops and I begged for a chance but my words and my actions contradicted each other.”

What do you mean?
“When I left the Philippines, I really hoped that Pops would see that my heart is pure and my intentions  are true. She wasn’t ready. Not that she didn’t see; she just  wasn’t  ready. Whatever happened between the day I left and today is not the fault of Pops. As often as I  have tried my best to redeem myself, if Pops is not ready nothing’s  gonna happen.”

Why did you say that you’re at a disadvantage?
“Because I’d been away  for months, I’d been silent for months. This is the first time that I’m speaking up. I have to keep saying that I’m `at a disadvantage` because  people have already  passed judgement on me.”

Guilty of not guilty?
(Laughter dissolving  into a subtle frown)” I’m guilty on all counts except  having a child (by another woman). I don’t have a child (out of wedlock). I will always remember Pops.  I’m the one  who started this, I’m the one  trying to fix it and I’m the one who’s alone.”

You did send Pops something on your 12th wedding anniversary  last June?
“You can’t forget an important  occasion like that . I sent her flowers with note that I faxed  to her. I’ll always  do it. On our 13th wedding anniversary, on our 14th wedding anniversary and so on and so forth, I will keep on sending her flowers and notes. June 28 will always be our wedding anniversary, forever. I deserve some sort of celebration.”

What was on the note?
“I don’t remember exact words but the note went something like this: This day be a special day and I remember it with these  flowers…I’ve been sending  her gifts, sometimes to say, ‘Good luck  on your concert.’ I’ve always been concerned.”

Such as what gifts?
“Oh, Teddy Bears and other things that she likes.”

By the way, how did you feel about Bill Clinton?
“Clinton the  President should be able to commit  personal errors, human errors. Believe me, I know a lot about human errors. He should  not be judged for what he does. I’m more  impressed  ith Hillary, a woman  whose whole closet  has been exposed. I agree with what Pops said that she didn’t  know if Hillary would be  the same if her husband  were not  the President.  Maybe Hillary would be more open with her feelings. But she  has to be strong  for the country.”

Sounds familiar?
“Yes it’s very similar to the Martin-Pops story. But, of course, I don’t have a Monica Lewinsky.”

Not even, perhaps, an Elizabeth or a Liza or a Kate?
“No, none. Monica is an animal. She came out with the intent  to bring big man down, just like what Pops suspected. Whatever I’ve caused  and whoever I caused  them with, there’s never been  any intent  to hurt anybody. But the similarity between  Bill and Hillary, and Martin and Pops, is that  we have  a big  world of people depending on our  marriage. So I don’t agree that lying is  good , although I’ve committed many lies in the past.”

Have you regretted having made those lies?
“I did. But then  again, it’s a choice we have to make.  If I were very open with my shortcomings, a lot of people would be affected, not just my two kids but a whole people depending on the Martin-Pops marriage. That’s why Pops has been  very silent about all this  and that’s why I, too, have lied in the past not  just to save my own skin but that or others.”

You’re not a good liar. Your eyes betray you.  You’re very transparent.
“I admit that I’m not good at lying. I’m very guilty about certain things.”

You’re too honest for comfort sometimes.
“A lot of people have told me that. In fact, I’ve been advised against talking in this manner at all.  You know why? Because, as I’ve said, people have made judgement  already and the last thing I wanna  do is start a  word war against Pops. I love her very much but I’ve hurt her.”

Did you feel “trapped” in tha (wholesome) image?
“Yes, I did. I do! In a song  I’ve just composed about my life, there’s a line that says something about falling into a trap that I myself have built. The title of the song is What’s on the Other side and it says a lot about my feelings as a private person. You know, how  I wish  I were not Martin Nievera, how I wish I were somebody else. You see, we all build our own traps and when we fall into the traps, we complain.”

So what are the nice things about  being Martin Nievera?
“The nice things? Well, through the years I’ve learned how to bounce back. Through the years, I’ve learned to take  the failures as well as the successes. Through the years, I’ve realized that I’m not what everybody wants me to  be, that I’m just a normal  human being who makes mistakes. And through the years, after 15  years in showbiz, I still  love what I do, there’s still so much passion in me. Those are the nice things about being Martin Nievera – if you find those things nice.”

What  do you think is the biggest mistake that you’ve committed as Martin Nievera the public persona?
“Oh, boy! There are a lot of things that I’ve done wrong and I think the biggest was to make  our marriage public, to turn it into a public fiasco.”

And what’s the biggest mistake that  you’ve  committed as Martin Nievera the private persona?
“Also a lot! I think  the best  answer to that is, ‘Yes, I’ve made many mistakes.’ Put it this way, a lot of things that you’ve written in the past I will not deny. But neither would I admit  anything. I won’t give  you pictures  and I won’t  give you names. Yes, where there’s smokes, there’s fire. I must admit  that. I want people to always  believe that  Martin is  capable  of making  mistakes  even as a man. So if people can forgive me for that  and let me go with my career, and accept me for  my mistakes  and for  my good days and bad days, the fine. I’m here to entertain, to change people’s view of life. If people  are feeling  bad, I’ll try to make them feel good.”

A sensitive question: Have you ever been unfaithful?
“Have I ever been unfaithful?  I think the best answer to that is, if you call not being there when Pops needed me, if you call not being  sensitive  to every second  need of Pops and then I say yes, I’ve been unfaithful.”

Of course, we’re talking about, well, “physical needs.”
“I know what you mean. That’s one thing no man would ever admit to the press. I throw the question back to you,’Do you think I’m capable of being unfaithful to Pops?”

Yes, you’re capable.
“So, I think that’s the mystery that the public should grant to any man in this business.”

How did you come to terms with that , uh, “human frailty”?
“At first, it was something I could not admit Pops and I were the best of friends before we became husband and wife. That’s one thing we didn’t mess up – our friendship. It’s important  for husbands and wives to have trust and faith in one another. Once you break that faith, then you can never trust and faith each other again. As far as being unfaithful – physically – is concerned, no man on earth would admit it unless he’s bragging about it. If I answer is ‘yes’ with conviction, that means I’m proud of it.  That’s one thing no man should be proud of; you’re not supposed  to be unfaithful. But I will never take away the fact  that I’m capable because I’m a man, a human being.”

Is the longing still there?
“I can only speak for myself. All I can say is that  I had something  good and I let it go. In  my 16 years in showbiz, my biggest  regret is losing Pops. Whether it’s legal or not, whether it’s bitter  or not, I always cherish the moments with her.”
 

What about the kids?
“The  kids should be the bonding factor between Pops and me, but I think it’s gonna take a longer time than a couple of days.”

But you’re starting to rebound, to spring back from  “rock bottom.”
“My first step is to fix myself. The only person  I can fix is myself. When did I realize it? Just two days ago.”

Only two days ago?
“You must understand that the whole time I was doing some soul-searching in the States, I was drowning in self-pity, rejection, disbelief, guilt, frustration… I said earlier that sometimes I’d tell Pops would hear something that contradicted what I was telling her, it would be hard for her to ever believe me. Remember, I’d lied before, I can lie again.”

Are all the things she’s been hearing is true?
“I  don’t know. I don’t even know what she’s been hearing. No need to go into details. Everybody knows about my crime.”

A crime of passion?
“Whatever it is. Suffice it to say that whatever happened to Pops and me should be left between me and her.”

I guess you’ve heard about the (unfaounded) rumors linking  Pops  to his  and that guy…
“They can come up with as many rumors as they want but I know Pops. She’s not  in this business for the guys. There are women in this business who are, but not Pops. Pops doesn’t  need anybody, not even me. That’s  one thing I’m learning now. What Pops has taught me without even  trying: I know now that if she ever ask me back, it won’t be for anything else but love because she can do anything else on her own.  She doesn’t  need me in her career or in her life. She can do it on her own.”

What about company during, well “lonely nights?”
“Pops  is never lonely. Believe me.”

What about you? Do you have “lonely nights?”
“Every single night is lonely.”

Were you alone during  all your nights in the US?
“Well, I’d  be lying to you if I say that I was alone every night of my life during the last four months.”

How did you cope with  your  own “lonely nights?”
“I wrote poems. I have written a lot of poems. They are all about Pops, myself, my kids, my own situations, letters to God asking for forgiveness,  many things. All I’m asking from the Filipino public now is to understand and forgive me, for them to accept me again, to give another chance.”

You seem to have become, well, more religious?
“Let me tell  you, I’ve never been closer to God as I have been these past six months. He’s my only Friend. Last Sunday, I went to church and it was a revelation for me. I realized that I’ve been a  lost lamb running around with guilt. That  Sunday, I was able  to rationalize my whole life.”

What did you tell God that Sunday?
“I said sorry again. I’ve said sorry a million times. I’ve been asking Him to help me fix things. I hope He will listen. I really hope He will.”