The Story of the Smiting Stick

It was on the day of the procession that Krakah brought forth the Smiting Stick. As we were celebrating Death Metal Marc's graduation from High School and his transition into the adult Ass Monkey world, all of the Ass Monkeys were sitting around eating shrimp and drinking beer. As the scent of the shrimp wafted upon the winds, many flies soon appeared, much like a plague, and they began buzzing about in the air and made many attempts to land on the aforementioned shrimp. Krakah and Wahoo were waving them off with their hands, but their efforts proved to be fruitless and the flies continued to grow in numbers. It was then that Krakah picked up what was soon to be known as the Smiting Stick and with a mighty blow, he knocked the fierce leader of the flies right out of mid air. The crazed fly hit the table with a thud and flailed helplessly about. Wahoo The Druid quickly finished him off. Upon seeing Krakah's prowess with the Smiting Stick, the rest of the vicious flies quickly abandoned their quest to land upon the shrimp. The Smiting Stick was quickly blessed and held in reverence. It was decided at that time that May 20th shall forever be known as "The Day of the Smiting" in Assmonkeyology and shall be celebrated in accordance with the customs of Assmonkeyology.

The Fruitlessness of Bob

It was on the Day of the Smiting that ex-Ass Monkey Bob made an effort to rejoin the Ass Monkeys. As we were sitting around celebrating, ex-Ass Monkey Bob came out of the house into the sacred celebrating area. Without being asked, he walked up to the altar of the beer and reached in and brought forth beers for each and every Ass Monkey in attendance. It was truly a remarkable site and the Ass Monkeys watched in mild surprise as ex-Ass Monkey Bob performed this selfless act. We quickly voted and came to the conclusion his act was truly one of atonement for his past sins and ex-Ass Monkey Bob was voted back into the circle of the Ass Monkeys. It was a true miracle and the Ass Monkeys celebrated with the drinking of the sacred beer. However, Bob quickly replied, "I don't give a shit, I don't want to be an goddamned Ass Monkey." A silence fell upon the sacred celebrating area and the vote was then quickly reversed and Bob was once again known as ex-Ass Monkey Bob. We then celebrated again with the drinking of the sacred beer.