The Creation

So it was after the creation of Assmonkeyology that the three Ass Monkeys began their quest. They first created a CD which embodied the Ass Monkey spirit. Then they decided to work on a follow up for the next 5 years. During this phase, each Ass Monkey was tested in his own way. DJ Devil briefly left the confines of Assmonkeyology to seek his own path. After much inner solitude and self defecation, the young lad known to all of the Ass Monkey followers as DJ Devil, returned to his roots a transformed man and now known as Death Metal Marc. DM Marc has brought a new and more contemporary view to the old Ass Monkey beliefs of 2002. For example, we now have accepted black as an alternate official color of the Ass Monkeys. Krakah spent the majority of the next 5 years drinking himself into oblivion. He felt that he could best honor the traditions of The Great Ass Monkey by constantly being as drunk as possible. He satisfied those vows. Wahoo The Druid remained the spiritual leader of the Ass Monkeys and refused to falter as he continued to try and lead his flock down the path of the Ass Monkey. the fact that Wahoo The Druid wrote the story should in no way infer that these writings are biased in any way.

The First Great Vision

It was upon the grassy knoll outside in his back yard that God first spoke to Wahoo The Druid. "Wahoo" he said, "ummm, who the hell is out there?" replied Wahoo. "it is I, the great and powerful God" said the voice. "You shall listen to all The Great Ass Monkey has to say and you shall spread the word of The Great Ass Monkey wherever you shall be" continued the voice. Wahoo paid no attention to the man behind the curtain but quickly realized that he had been chosen. He had been chosen to spread the word of The Great Ass Monkey beyond the boundaries of the original three. Suddenly, a great sound was heard from on high and The Great Ass Monkey appeared, He said unto God, "Don't ever tell my followers what to do, they know to follow the path you sadistic idiot." God then shot a lightning bolt in the direction of The Great Ass Monkey and The Great Ass Monkey swatted it away with his Ass Monkey tail and sent it hurtling back toward God. The lightning bolt struck God in the left temple and God fell from the sky in a crumpled heap. The Great Ass Monkey was victorious! Had God not been so vindictive and vicious, and had he tried to talk his problems out with The Great Ass Monkey over a beer, perhaps he would have met a different fate. Yea, though, he did not and a valuable lesson was learned that day. God can be a real asshole and he certainly does not practice what he preaches. The Great Ass Monkey summoned the rest of the Ass Monkeys and they feasted on the flesh of the Lord. "MMMM, tastes like chicken" remarked Krakah. From this day forth, Wahoo The Druid, Krakah and Death Metal Marc knew that they had a greater mission; much like a cheap whore spreads herpes, they were to spread Assmonkeyology to the masses. And so it began.

The Mars Theory

It has been told to us by the Great Assmonkey that his origins lie in the rubble of the planet Mars. Mars was once an earthlike planet, where life was flourishing at a much more advanced rate than we have on earth today. A cosmic event occurred and began to shift the orbit of the planet. Seeing this, the scientists began to seek out a new home - earth. They began to visit earth and to the simple sheperds of the time, these beings were GODS. They built the pyramids as navigational devices and as Mars began to destroy itself, they began the great quest to populate earth. Today, the remnants of these beings live among us, totally unaware of their past, as they have spent centuries adapting to our ways. Of all the "Gods", only one survived, thanks to his superior intellect and he has been forever known as The Great Ass Monkey.