Assmonkeyology is the belief in the Great Ass Monkey and all he has taught us. It was said that one March day in the year of 2002, while camping in the woods, the Great Ass Monkey came to the three chosen ones. The three chosen ones were Wahoo The Druid, Krakah, DJ Devil, (Cassalamadingdong and Bob joined soon thereafter). The Great Ass Monkey came and handed down the laws of the Ass Monkeys and said �Lo, from this day forward, it shall forever be that thou shall follow the ways of the Great Ass Monkey� He had chosen us to keep the teachings of Assmonkeyology alive because he had no natural children of his own. He appeared and brought forth the rules of the Ass Monkey kingdom. It was said unto us that should we need him, we should consume large quantities of beer and it will be then that the Great Ass Monkey will come forth unto us and guide us in our times of need. It was then that he told us �Never drive slow in the left lane� and �Never get up to get yourself a beer without asking the others�. The Great Ass Monkey preceded to hand us a paper tablet. Upon this tablet was written all of the rules of the Great Ass Monkey. He made sure to leave enough space should the chosen ones decide to add rules at a later time, as we see fit. He said that someday he would return for evermore and judge us as the Ass Monkeys that we were to become. It will be then that he shall embrace those who have followed his path and reward us with never ending beer and provide to us a Jehovah Witness to farm the corn in the cube for us. He explained that when he returns, it may in the form of his only begotten son, or it may be in the form of �The Two�. �A true Ass Monkey will know me when I appear� uttered the Great Ass Monkey. He then said unto us, �Go forth and be the Ass Monkeys that you were destined to be�. It was shortly thereafter that Bob got up and got himself a beer and failed to ask anyone else if they needed anything, thus breaking the first rule of the Great Ass Monkey. The Great Ass Monkey then stood before Bob and said unto him �If you cannot follow the rules, thou shall be an Ass Monkey never more�. Bob turned to the Great Ass Monkey and said �Go fuck yourself� and hence, Bob was banished from the Ass Monkey garden. It is said that if you listen closely wherever beer is being consumed, the sounds of ex-Ass Monkey Bob can be heard. The Great Ass Monkey revealed to us that he was hungry and questioned us as to what we had to eat. We only had hamburgers and hot dogs and the Great Ass Monkey wanted more. He glided down to the waters edge and climbed into a waiting boat. He roared the engine and sped off into the lake until he heard a loud �clunk�. He reached into the water with his opposable thumbed hand and pulled out a large, rotund, roaring beast. He flung the beast into the boat and brought him ashore. The Great Ass Monkey placed the beast over the fire just as a game warden appeared and said �Hey you Ass Monkeys, that is a manatee!� the Great Ass Monkey replied �My people call it meat�. The game warden suddenly realized the way of the Ass Monkeys and was the first official convert. We feasted upon the beast as the great Ass Monkey explained, �If nature had meant this foolish creature to live, it would not have swam so close to the boat propeller�  We noticed the game warden was appearing hungry as he was not partaking of the bountiful feast which the Great Ass Monkey  had laid before us. When questioned, the game warden suddenly revealed himself to us as an imposter and told us that he was about to arrest the entire Ass Monkey population. Then the Great Ass Monkey grabbed a beer bottle (empty of course) and smited the imposter. The Ass Monkeys returned to their feast and reveled until the wee hours of the night. At dawn�s first light, the Ass Monkeys awoke and began to prepare a breakfast of bacon and eggs. As they feasted once more, DJ Devil questioned the Great Ass Monkey about something he had said the night before. �Who is your only begotten son if you have no children of your own, oh Great Ass Monkey?� asked DJ Devil. The Great Ass Monkey took a deep breath and said, �That my child, is a contradiction. It makes no sense and as you read more of my story, you may find many contradictions and outright erroneous claims but every religion has them so you must blindly accept them�. DJ Devil said �well that�s stupid, then I don�t want to be an Ass Monkey� The Great Ass Monkey pondered this thought for a while and soon realized that the babe was right. �Our religion shall have no stupid contradictions so that passage shall forever be banished from our teachings from this day forward.� So it was only the five chosen ones who were ever made aware of the original faux pas by the Great Ass Monkey.