The Ugly Duckling

The Ugly Duckling, as everyone knows, is a story about a duckling that all the other ducklings thinks are ugly, so hides away somewhere, but then ends up turning into a beautiful (but evil) swan. However, you should know that a cygnet is the name of a baby swan. So, if the ugly duckling really does turn into a swan, then I think there's a bit of cheating going on! This is a huge conspiracy - children are being taught wrongly about ducks!

When they grow up, children are going to be morally confused due to this inaccuracy, and ducklings are going to be unsure about their true parentage - they won't know if they'll become a duck or a swan! And, if they're too busy worrying about what they're going to be when they grow up, how are they going to be able to concentrate on world domination?

Humpty Dumpty

This is one my friend Harry said to me about while we were talking on MSN the other day, and I thought it was cool so he said I could put it up. For some reason unknown as of yet to me he asked me, "does it say anywhere in the rhyme that Humpty Dumpty was an egg?" And, from memory, I said that no, it doesn't. "Then," he asked me, "why is he an egg in every picture you see of him?" which I thought was actually a pretty good point.

In the rhyme, Humpty Dumpty breaks, so why couldn't it be something like a China cup? I thought that since eggs break easily and have a lot more appeal than a China cup, and that maybe artist's don't like eggs so they wanted to kill it. Of course, "all the King's horses and all the King's men" (even though we have no King) try to put him back together because, I explained, they were hungry.

If it had to be something that could be fried and something that was breakable, he said, then why couldn't it be a tin of tomatoes instead of an egg? Which I think its actually quite a good point, but I don't think tins are quite appealing to little kids, even though babies probably eat more tinned tomatoes than we do in any other time of our life!

So, we have now come to the conclusion that, despite what books may tell you, Humpty Dumpty was not an egg, but actually a tin of tomatoes.

Ribena

Ribena is a part of a huge conspiracy involving the Government and mutant fish with three eyes, three brains and underpaid, poorly costumed sidekicks called Buzzy. Everyone is brainwashed into thinking that Ribena, with it's cheesy theme music and overly paid and overly happy models, is a perfectly healthy and innocent drink, a Godsend with its "no added sugar and artificial colourings."

But no! Do not be fooled! For a start, the fact that we are being denied our rights by a load of blackcurrants is just suspicious from the start. Yes denied our rights! Our rights to get high on sugar and artificial colourings, which everyone knows is a big insult to us, as consumers, in a democratic society. If it wasn't bad enough that a company had even thought of trying to brainwash us into drinking their filth, the Queen has even approved of their diabolical plan to plague our minds!

Another big problem with Ribena is that it's owned by none other than Glaxo-SmithKline, who are also the company who produce medicines and toothpastes. Good as this may sound, you must remember that they also test these products on animals. Whatever your view is on this, you must hear of the most cruel aspect of it which the Government has kept hidden for months. These animals, after they're tested on, are subjected to the cruelty of being made to drink this filth, destroying their freedom of speech and their rights, which, after the testing, they should be more than allowed to. Even these poor animals cannot get away from the horror of Ribena. It is a monster and it must be stopped.

And, if it couldn't get much worse - no one knows about this dreadful scheme other than me, who discovered it! Those who do try to warn people of our plight and save the nation from impending disaster (well it is if you happen to like other soft drinks, like the perfectly healthy and natural lemonade) are just taunted and called insane. Where is the fairness in this society?! What happened to "right until proven wrong"?! Why are you even still reading this?! [cries] Ahem. Moving on, rather swiftly...

Green Paint

This one I think deserves a full scientific explanation, before you start making more unfounded "insane" accusations. Leaves, as you should have learnt in your science lessons, are green. This, as you should have learnt while copying your neighbour's test paper, is because of the chlorophyll inside them.

So, I have concluded, from this evidence, acknowledged worldwide as being scientifically correct, that paint, also acknowledged worldwide by the majority as being green (the minority who disagree saying it's turquoise are colour-blind - and who believes the blind?! Whether it's just colour or not, blind is blind) is made from chlorophyll. Ah! You might say that this theory is just a load of crap made up by Clayre just to use up space and make it seem like there really is something here other than pointless ramblings, because everyone knows that green paint is yellow and blue paint mixed together. That's true, it is.

But scientific breakthroughs are happening all the time, and the greatest men of all time had to have their work shunned at one point by disbelieving critics. However, I am no man. Especially not one of the greatest of all time. Even so, I do have a scientific breakthrough to share with you. Blue and yellow paint really does make green! Yes, really! Except it has some of this amazing chlorophyll in it, but only half of the molecules needed to actually make green are inside them. Why don't blue and yellow look the same? Because they don't have the same halves, duh! Anyway, these halves can only react when they are mixed together, forming chlorophyll, and, thus, the green shade commonly found in green paint.

This could be on the way to solving the mystery of plant DNA and its connection to the substance commonly found on walls, so do not just dismiss these arguments blindly. Please, just let me ask one favour of you. Next time you glare at disgust at my front door, remember that it is organic and you might hurt it's feelings. Now you know why I have no need for CCTV. The door knows all! (it also explains why Yoda is green, really, doesn't it?)

Penguins in a Phone Box

Well, as we all know, the amount of penguins in a phone box depends on their size, weight, breed, maturity, and the size and shape of the phone box. However, to avoid more complications in this, we will assume that the phone box is of the regular size - about 60cm wide and about 50cm long.. The penguins in the phone box which we will use for this example are 2 year old Emperor penguins. These are rather large in size, so take up about a 40cm circle of space. So, if each penguin needs 40cm of space in an area of 300cm², then there would be a total of 7.5 penguins able to fit inside, as you should have worked out with your amazing Maths skills (ie with a calculator heh).

But, despite this evidence, I have not yet managed to see 0.5 of a penguin (except in the remains of a propeller but let's not go into that) so you would have to fill the space either with an immature penguin or one which is under the specified weight. You could also fill the space with fish, as penguins would get rather hungry sitting in a phone box, rather pointless, for several hours.

However, if you choose a much smaller species of penguin, such as the Rock Hopper penguin, you would be able to fit many more penguins into the same selected size of post box. They take up about 30cm of space, which, in our 300cm² post box would fit 10 penguins.

If you took the Linux penguin, which needs about 65cm of space in the same sized phone box, then you would only be able to fit 4.62 penguins in the phone box. As with the Emperor penguin, it is quite difficult to fit 0.62 of a penguin in the phone box, so you would have to fill this space with fish, as Tux does like his food. However, there is only one Tux, so the 4 penguins would be impossible, leaving him to sit in his phone box on his own.

The BIG Conspiracy

Bill Gates, along with Richard Branson, Linus Torvalds, Miss Cleo, and Fred Durst are trying to take over the world. How? Let me explain. Richard Branson now controls our trains, planes, and stores and Bill Gates has control over 95% of the computer-using world with his Windows programmes, and, when he releases his X-Box, also the console gaming genre. Linus Torvalds is Bill Gates's nephew who is helping him, controlling the other 5% via Linux (and you computer nerds thought you were safe!) as well as the penguin army (with help from Tux the giant penguin king) and the gecko that always sits on his lap, Suzy. Linus has also employed Fred to help him by controlling the world's fashion (red hats). Miss Cleo is married to Bill, and she is the one who gets the income through her conning psychic lines (however, she has been found out and is being sued!).

Hashes have also become involved in the conspiracy, as, if you have ever used a chat program like MSN Messenger and pressed enter quickly, the line often ends with a hash (#). This, as well as being extremely irritating, has been designed by Bill and Linus to help them gain power over the computer using community. Every time a hash is placed in a document the information is sent straight to their offices, so they can keep track of the going's on in the world and make sure that no one (like me) has started to catch onto their theory, or, if they do, just to class them as an idiot and make sure they are publicly humiliated. (and, I'm afraid to say, I think it's working)

Together, with this power over our world, soon they will be able to refuse to let us use any of the modern day conveniences we have become accustomed to in daily life. Please, stop them before it's too late! Let all your base belong to me, before they set us up the bomb! [takes deep breaths] Okay I'm done now. If you don't believe me then go here for more news and revelations about "the Conspiracy."