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4 30, 02 Brian Wilson Gives Mind-Blowing Drug Addiction Another Go; Mike Love Planning To Exploit It / Tour by marc p schneider new york - What do you get when you put Beach Boy Brian Wilson in the same room as two hits of acid, an ounce of cocaine and a piano? Well, back in the 70's you'd get an album like Love You or songs like the haunting "Till I die". But here in the 21st century your ass is getting a book; the simply titled Let's Do it Again. "What I really wanted to do man, was ta take a mellow trip in my piano room; yaknow, write some tunes" stated Wilson, "but before you know it I'm off the wagon and riding the snake again." He started writing the book while watching an episode of NBC's "Scrubs" and didn't stop until after "Today" came on the next morning. "I was just flying, so I kept it on NBC the whole time." He finished the 167 page book in less then 12 hours time. His editor/dealer, Adrian Escandon of Malibu calls it brilliant; "It's a whole volume on how lovely narcotics can be and how they tend to open Brian up musically and spiritually." he continues: "Chapter 3 outlines his love of crab meat and why he thinks he's ready to acquire full custody of [adult] daughters Wendy and Carnie." The women, who couldn't be reached for comment, aren't the only ones perplexed by Mr. Wilson's words. Mechanic and longtime Beach Boy Mike Love has called for TV execs and movie studios to speedily ready a made-for-TV-movie about the subject.; calling it "a knockout way to make a buck." He also plans to sue Wilson in order to make the legend appear during this summer's "Surfin' w/ the Oldies" Tour. Let's Do it Again is out now and available at your local independent book store. Ride The Snake |
5 3, 02 An All-Inclusive Guide To Your Next Home Improvement by marc p schneider new york - Does your home have a few creaks, cracks, and crinkles? Does your wife bitch and moan at you for not doing anything about it? Well, darn it! Maybe it's high time you pulled your pants up, left the computer room and booked a flight to home improvement-ville! Due to space limitations, only one project can be discussed at this time. We'll start w/ something easy; like hiring a contractor! Remember to get only one estimate and always go w/ the first company you talk with. This will eliminate costly decision making time that could be spent fixing that hole or adding on that damn deck! Also, any contractor recommendations from friends or family should be quickly excused as an attempt to undermine your authority. When it comes to planning the project, just let the contractor do that since they're the pros, remember? As for paying the workers, the Daily Dis-Patch advises to first begin by giving a bad check. Perhaps one from a bank that doesn't exist or one that the word 'monopoly' written on it. This will create a hilarious diversion while you find a way to transfer your elderly mother's funds into your own bank account. This trick gives you at least one extra week. When you do finally get the money, always pay in cash. Don't sign anything and forget about a reciept; they're just paper and could easily be ripped up or burned. Ask for blood and hair samples but never urine. Finally, consider hiring a lawyer to speak w/ the crew and a security guard to watch over them as they work. This will keep them in their place as manual laborers and discourage mutiny. Next time on It's Time To Fix Up: Your Daughter's Hair!! |
| 5 6, 02 Drug Pumps Gaining Wide Acceptance; Breathless Children Found to be Heaviest Abusers by lonnie blossom new york - "Do you wanna get high?" is not only the catch phrase of a piece of shit on Comedy Central's South Park but also of today's out-of-breath pre-teen population. Where is this happening? Why? How? Where? Let's take a 'closer peek' at this important and timely issue. While rock music and Mexico can be blamed for all adult drug addiction, we need to look deeper to find out how these normal caucasian kids have become slaves of these narcotic hand pumps. Brooklynite Joey Tanner has a 11 year old son, Bobby, and he fears the worst: "He has asthma, so my wife and I purchased him an inhaler." He pauses while whiping his eyes, "it seems to be working really well, his breathing has really improved." This is just one tragic account of how these 'inhalers' are tearing families apart. We asked Dr. Victor Kumar for a hint on where these kids may be getting a hold of the crank, and what he has to say may shock you: "I'm a Vet, so you're asking the wrong guy." "But it's a matter of filling a simple prescription once Asthma has been identified." Shocking isn't it folks? And to think that he could have been a real doctor if he had only had been a good father to little junkie junior. So why are today's weak-lunged children getting high? Expert Hector Libbels: "Kids use inhalers to help them breathe. It opens their pipes up and allows more air in." Yikes. Sounds like we have another smack-like problem on our hands. Lets all join together and discourage this act of self-defacation among our littleuns. |
5 8, 02 Don't Hate Me Because I'm Straight by raymond thyme new york - I am a 53 year old totally straight dude and by gummydummy, I'm proud as hell. So often in our society do we men feel compelled to do our nails, put on a Babs Streisand record and just gay-out. But not me folks, not me. This column will appear periodically to chronicle my struggles 'n' trials in being a hetero man in a world that doesn't seem tolerant anymore. This past year has been hard on me, I'll admit it. I've lost my job at a downtown salon and my wife done left me for a damn woman. My son's haven't spoken to me since they told me they (both of them) were gay, and I had to move to Staten Island to save cash. You could say I've hit the low point of my life. I've even sold my bone marrow. But the worst thing is when I had to fire Willis, my man-servant of 25 years. W was and is the only person I could ever relate to besides Calvin Cline and perhaps the first person I ever got naked with. Sure it was in the shower and incidentally he scrubbed pretty hard, but those fond memories don't erase my hurt when I think of him. So that's all I will talk about Willis for now. Anyway, like I said, being a man who likes to have sex with women is just not the most popular thing right now. In fact, the last time Willis gave me a full body massage, we discussed our beefs w/ gays. "Ray-Ray," he used to say, "we good people never get the headlines anymore, just those queens 'n' sisters!". Here Here my lovely friend! Yes, I know that not much was covered here. But next time I promise to dig deeper down into the issue of straight oppresion in our culture. God speed and sweet dreams. |
| 5 10, 02 Years of Literary Subjugation Lifted as Romance Novelist Wins Pulitzer Prize; Fabio Weeps Openly by lonnie blossom new york - Not since Halle Berry won an Oscar for Monster Party has there been such a clear and resounding "Finally!" from America's female population. Romance scribe Ryder Syvertsen has won the Pulitzer Prize for literature! She's in the spotlight for her steamy new novel Mystic Rebel Part VI: Fortress of Forbidden Destiny. To deny the genius tag to Ms. Syvertsen would be to deny the very existence of joy. This novel chronicles the erotic adventures of a Tolkien-like character named D'Thoram as he penetrates the entrance of a great and evil empire named Trylose. Along the way he quenches his lustful thirst w/ wayside wenches and powerful Queens (like the extra busty T'Lorian). The ending is a cliffhanger that prompts you to read her next installment. The prose is crisp and the full color illustrations are dynamite! The ceremony was lovely to say the least and littered with many smartish type people including Steven Spielberg (rumored to be bidding for the movie rights), and ex-President and hopeless romantic Bill Clinton. The award was presented by Fabio, who graced the cover of the book, and actress Reese Witherspoon (sans hubby Ryan Phillippe). Reese looked scrumptious in a Versace number that she called "borrowed." By the end of the evening, all agreed that it was long overdue for a romance novel to achieve Pulitzer-status. Chevy Chase: "I've read it 12 times already and that was just to read the words," he continues "the next 12 times I'll be dissecting the book to get inside the characters minds." Whatever your reasons are, just make sure you take the time to read Mystic Rebel. It's a romance revolution. |
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