| April 19, 02 Dear Hollywood: 'The Cody Lambert Show' Would Really Be a Smash! by Sasha Mitchell New York - Hey Hollywood, Sasha Mitchell here and I want you to know that I'm ready to get on w/ my acting career. When I abruptly left the spotlight in the mid-nineties, all you say was: "are you insane?" and "That's not a very good idea." Well, I've given it a lot of thought over the past five or six years and, I think I'm ready - ready to resurrect my role as Cody Lambert: the coolest character on ABC's "Step by Step". That show made me a wealthy man. Not only in the monetary sense, but in spiritual and egotistical ways as well. Critics were hailing me as the next John Travolta! Cody was my fun loving dimwit character, but I grew to accept being a stereotype player. The females in LA couldn't get enough of me; especially my current wife whom I met during those great years. (I have since gone on to become a wife-beater, but that's behind us.) I was on top of the world damnit and then I gave it all up for an unsuccessful film career. (Thanks for the fatherly advice Patrick Duffy). That unwise career jump turned into a suicide death drop much like David Caruso's leap from NYPD Blue fame. Speaking of that show; I lost out to Marc Paul Gosselaarr for the newest partner of Dennis Franz. By 'lost' I mean I wasn't invited to audition. Now back to why I'm writing. Immediately after leaving "Step by Step," I was offered to do a spin-off show that was totally centered on Cody. It was to be called "the Cody Lambert Show". Pretty classy huh? Well, at the time I wanted to break out of that one-dimensional vaccuum that is 'Cody' and I declined. I'm sorry Hollywood; you needed me and I bailed. So give me another chance guys, and I'll prove to you that there's still some surfer dude zeal left in this 35 year old teenager. Call: 917-502-6782 and ask for Sasha. If an old lady starts giving you trouble, just tell her you wanna talk to the guy in 3C. |
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4 25, 02 Local Old Timer Used By College Girl for Sex; Man Shows Remorse for not 'remembering a damn thing' by lonnie blossom New York - Break out your doggie bags folks; here comes another shocking scoop from the Dis-Patch. Prior to last week, senior citizen Allen Bradley had carried on a three month stint as the willing sex toy of young Jean Pierce. Whatever it was that the 22 year old NYU student saw in Bradley may go down as one of life's greatest mysteries. "He's a very hairy man," says Bradley's wife Becky at the divorce proceedings, "and he's not exactly well-endowed." The tryst began in February when Bradley, who is a custodial engineer at NYU, was approached by Pierce and asked if he knew anything about plumbing. He was then led to her small dorm room where he describes: "we had a time." The affair lasted up until Bradley asked Pierce to marry him. She declined and began lambasting him for all his negative qualities. They include: bad body odor, lack of money/stamina, droop-balls, insensitivity, and the Irish Curse that inflicts his wang. "He's got such a pud," said Pierce in an exclusive interview, "but he knew how to use it." Nasty! Asked what drew him to her, Pierce said she "just wanted to get funky with a dirty old man." She added while licking her lips: "a really old man." Yuck! The irony of this whole story is that Bradley is now having problems recalling his sexual encounters with the nymph co-ed. "She used and abused me daily," he stated "but I'm falling short of remembering a damn thing about it." |
| 4 26, 02 Breaking Medical Study: Open Sores On Wang = Compelling Cause for Concern by lonnie blossom New York - A study conducted by doctors, nurses and other medical types has found alarming evidence that could bring the nation's men to their knees: those sores on your dilly could be cause for great concern. Initial response from men has been negative and defiant. Local carpenter Phil Dobbs: "I've had these open sores on Jimmy James for half my adult life, and never have they affected my sex life." "During their monthly discharging period, I just wrap it in gauze and pour hydrogen peroxide on it." If you have what is categorized as a 'sore' then you may have what is called a "venerial disease" in which case you should cease sexual contact w/ your current partner and seek out a doctor. The American Doctors Alliance (ADA) has released a new slogan to accompany new ads: If Dong Do Leak, Thou Outlook Bleak. |
| 4 29, 02 Virgin Status for Teen Boys Secured Forever; Girlfriends See Absolutely Everything by lonnie blossom Akron OH - During adolescence, a great deal of a young man's time is spent trying to get one thing: Sex. And for most guys, it's not that big of a chore to lose your virginity. Unless of course you are Josh, Ben, Tico, Keith, or Jayshree of Akron Ohio. By the looks on their girlfriends' faces after seeing them hug BooBoo at JellyStone Amusement Park; it's going to be a long, fruitless high school experience. The gay-ass incident occured this past Saturday during a giggles filled day trip sponsored by the Twin Oaks Presbyterian Church Teen Club. Youth Pastor Andrew Mielke: "We base our field trips 'fun level' on how much the kids have earned through fundraisers like the brownie bake-off and the haunted house during October." He added: "I'd say the fun level for this adventure was about a seven." Seven out of what, we may never know. Sources tell the Dis-Patch that the five knuckleheads had split up from their girlfriends at the log flume ride and thought it would be 'a gas' to visit the kids section of the park. "They said something about taking pictures with people dressed in costumes," said club member and fellow virgin Jonny Gitos, "I went directly to their girlfriends and informed them of what was going to happen." "They were both pleased and pissed about it." During their visit to the kids section, they managed to coerce only three characters from Jellystone to take pics w/ them. "When Yogi showed up, I about pissed my trousers." said Jayshree, the ethnic looking guy. Added Josh, the fat kid w/ an Adidas shirt on: "I grabbed the dog's ass and it didn't notice!" At publication, the boys were still unaware that their girlfriends had seen them. The young ladies have since made a collective agreement to abstain from sex w/ any of the guys. |
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