 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| 5 14, 02 An Easy Five Step Process To Sucessful Daughter Hair Care by marc p schneider new york - Does your daughter press you daily to braid her hair? Does she nag you endlessly to finally install those extensions? Is your daughter ugly? If you answered yes or wuzza to any of these, then by all means read on! Many parents have the misfortune of owning a nappy haired child. And many mornings are spent trying to salvage anything respectable from their little tot-noggins. That's why the Dispatch has created this list to help you out on those mornings you just wanna drop them off at school and never pick them up. Here: 1. consider the crew cut. If bull dyke lesbians can look good, so can your little ugly. 2. If your a woman, get re-married so that you don't have to share a last name w/ Quasimodo. C. Don't perm her hair if it is frizzy. This will cause a white afro look and worsen the situation 4. Cease any acts of affection that you may have started when she was a cute baby. She will get the hint and know that you think she be nasty. 5. SuperCuts and Great Clips both have fabulous specials on kids hair cuts. And there you have it. Next time on It's Time To Fix Up: Your Image at Work! |
| 5 16, 02 Local Statistician Claiming To Be Real Slim Shady by lonnie blossom new york - Stat-is-ti-cian : 1. A mathematician specializing in stats. 2. A compiler of statistical data. 3. A lyrical laureate and digit destroyer worthy of fast cars and even faster women. Marshall Mathers may be known as Slim Shady in the music community, but in the New York Statistician racket, Barney Gooley holds the moniker for his own. "You have got that right, home skillet!" shouts Gooley at the office, "Bombs will be dropped on your Moms if you peeps don't represent me properly!" Adding before pressing return on his TI-180 Calculator, "I am indeed the Real Slim Shady Fools!" Not exactly an imposing character, the wiry 28 year old MIT grad uses his rhyming and numerical skills to intimidate his enemies (Human Resources, Jason Alexander and Wendy's) and to entice the fairer sex. "I would be lying if I didn't think he was sexy," said Administrative Assistant Lena Holt, "I hear he's got a flat screen TV at his duplex." Adding fellow Admin Asst Ellie Ryan, "It's true, he does have a flat screen TV." Gooley claims to have been called Slim Shady ever since the third grade. He explains: "I'm skinny yo', and I burn easily in the sun so my Pops made me stay in the shade." His first album, Numbers Gonna Knock You Out, was picked up on Phenylethylene Records and released in the Summer of 99'. It sold poorly and he was dropped. He has since released a spoken word cassette tape titled, Memorex 60 Minutes. "It's tight." Gooley plans a law suit against the other Slim Shady in the near future. "That playa done stole my identity yo!" " I am fixing to smack him down!" We'll keep you posted. |
| 5 21, 02 Tom Cruise Is A Big Ol' Cock Tease; Not That I Care Seeing That I'm Mega-Straight 'n' All by raymond thyme new york - God have mercy! Tom Cruise has got to be the most supressed homersexual I have ever met. Oh yes, I know the man and I've cut his hair... THREE TIMES. Let's just say that he should bring a snow shovel wherever he goes to remove those flakes from his shoulders. ZOWEE! ZOWEE! Back to the point: The last time I cut his locks (before I got canned), he was with some fella with a really eye-talian looking suit on. Real snazzy-like. Well, all throughout the trimtrim, Cruisey and this Lasagna head were arguing about some contract or some stuff like that. But being a former student of Psychology (two years at Vasser), I can read into what people are really talking about. In my extremely straight mind, I could pick up on the gay tension between the two. When Tommy told linguini-face to give him more time to think about a third Mystery Impossible film (and they are films); I know that Cruise was really saying: "I need more time before I suck your Italian sausage." These are the things you pay me for folks. The real insight on the real issues. I also rember this one time when I caught my son Del in bed with our servant. Our MALE servant Willis. As you know both of my sons are gay and I'm just now getting over that; but to allow me to see that... well I just got flusstered. I ordered Del out of the room and I then gave Willis a rapid and prolonged spanking. I recall being so infuriated and degraded that I allowed the man-servant to spank me as well. Strangely, I felt much better and I went to bed to give my wife some of that marvelous straight love that I'm known for. Ok kids, I'm afraid I've got to go. It looks like the Dis-Patch is going to limit production to once a week from now on, so I don't know when I'll gab w/ you next. Regardless, keep on the straight and narrow path to your destiny! God speed and sweet dreams. |