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'I am Made of Completely Synthetic Materials'
Lonnie Blossom takes a 'closer peek' at Pop Diva Celine Dion and her rise to the top of the charts.
I had a chance to gab with the Canadian songbird as she was shopping at Bloomingdales on the Upper EastSide. And boy is she a lively one! I was asking the hard hitting questions like: "whose baby is that in youre arms?" and "did I just see you're body guard spray your knees with WD40?" Each question was followed with a french expletive that I didn't find appropriate for the baby's ears to hear. So I suppose Celine's Flack has told her to lay of the social commentary for a while so that her music can be the center of focus. I turned the questions to her new album. But not before her handler replaced a fuse that had blown in her neck.
LB: How long did it take you to write this album?
CD: I don't write songs. Please be leaving sir!
LB: Just a few more quesitons. When your pleasing your husband in the oral sense, does your Boeing-made jaw ever snap down on his lil' Pierre?
CD: True, I am made of completely synthetic materials, but uh, how do you say, yes, slobbin' his nobbin' has neva been, uh,,, uh,,, a pro-blemm. At least not for me. Is that enough? Please go! Oh, Oh Jaque Rene, lubricate my eyes please!
Miss Dion was then whisked away by her guards and, I'm assuming, lowered into her NASA designed cleansing tank where she will rest.
Queen Mum Dies; Toothpaste Sales Up in UK
Lonnie Blossom takes a 'closer peek' at the Queen Mum and all the Scandals
In the past five years, many unsettling facts have been leaked from the tabloids regarding this 'gentle' woman. Peter Lowell, a 6th grade science teacher and royal conspiracy theorist thinks the Queen Mum has had something to do with every royal scandal since her marriage. "Just think about it Lonnie, ever since she's been around, the Windsor family has fucked itself left and right." He went on: "take Diana's death; the Queen Mum made no comments after the tragedy, and when she finally spoke up, all the press could focus on, was her nasty ass teeth!" "I think she was driving the car when the papparazzi sideswiped Di."
Another confirmed fact about her scummines is that she was a viscious drunk and would lash out at any one who hid her Dewars. "During the blitz of '40, she would get liquored up and beat King George (Albert) sensless. Many say that's what really killed him" said Lowell. "I read that somewhere."
Finally, and here's the kicker; the Queen Mum, on three occasions, did indeed steal all the tea in China. She also hated "those Jamaicans."
Donny's 'Gram Parsons is Still Alive' Theory Not Really Catching On
by lonnie blossom
New York - Over the past several years, Donny Snatch has developed a theory, a conspiracy if you will; claiming country rock legend Gram Parsons is still among us. The premise of this remains to be seen until DS finds a suitable news source to run it.
"It's simple really," stated DS over waffles and pot, "his body was supposedly burned up in California, right man? But then it was moved to Louisana for burial? I just don't buy into that." He added while taking a mad hit off the bong: "There just wasn't enough time."
Donny claims to have seen Parsons, who would have turned 56 this year if he hadn't died of a drug overdose in 1973. "He was pumping gas in Columbia, South Carolina ... at a gas station I think......whoa I'm fried." "Kind of ironic considering people like you believe his manager stole his body and doused it with gasoline, huh?!?" It truly would be ironic, if it weren't for the certainty that enwraps that story to this day.
Rolling Stone has declined the report; calling it "redundant to the rest of his cockamamie theories." They are referring to DS's other '. . . Is Still Alive' hypotheses; including: Kurt Cobain, Marvin Gaye, Sharon Tate, River Phoenix, Howard Cosell and finally, the lead singer of Thin Lizzy. "I thought for sure Rolling Stone would be into that one."
a closer peak w/ lonnie
Pets Wearing Sweaters 'Not Cool' with Situation
by lonnie blossom
New York - A frightening trend has been on the rise these past few months: Dogs wearing little sweaters! For all you Midwestern readers, this may be puzzling, since you don't get fashion info until 2 years after it arrived here on the coast.
I asked one dog owner what he thought of the rising use in sweater coverage for pets. Moe Alliston of Jersey said: "my Nickels needs his furry body covered in a cardigan to protect him from the cold and harmful UV rays." After stroking his dog and whispering something in his ear, Moe continued, "Nickels helps me get dates."
By merely walking down Madison Ave., you will see dozens of doggies wearing sweaters. Bigguns' and Litlleuns' alike. No dog is spared. The sadness and shame it brings to them is clear. There was this one bassett hound that walked by w/ an AE sweater on. His face was soooo droopy and full of frowns, surely due to that confound it sweater!!!
I have studied this phenomenon for the past 22 min. and already it seems like there is little hope for these poor creatures. Donny claims to have spoken w/ one dog and it agrees that the sweaters make him look stupid. The mutt, "Sparks" from Chelsea, described his sweater as 'gay'. He added: "Even if my balls weren't laying in a petri dish somewhere, I still wouldn't have a chance w/ any of those bitches." He yelped in the direction of 3 femaninas. "They think I'm 'silly' you know what I mean dude?" May we all have the courage to step back and rethink the use of sweaters on our furry friends.
