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No Reason Found for Watching Ellie
by lonnie blossom - on the road
Cow Town USA - I'm here in crapsville illinois and I just stayed the night in a barn watching tv. Some dick I was hanging out with whipped out a video tape that had Elaine's new sitcom, "Watching Ellie", on it. We watched it. I am displeased at the show for many reasons, but mostly for the fact that this asshole wouldn't tell me why he wanted to watch it so bad.
Valentino Lovelorn has Taken an Unnatural Liking to Me; Larry Really Fat
by Lonnie Blossom in StL
St. Louis - Outside an unnasumming house on Florland Ave. where it all started, the Snatch Patch crew assembled Monday to meet their east coast representation. Expecting cake and beer; what was to be a celebration turned into an eery display of disfunction.
Not even five minutes into our meeting, several members of the gang opted to deem me "unsuitable" for the responsibility at hand. A swift and bloody beating would have been too predictable, instead they coerced me inside where Valentino Lovelorn was waiting for me. They proceeded to get me filthy drunk and stoned until i was near death. In a blurry haze of innebriation I recall only one thing: the hairy pelvis of Mr. Lovelorn, lowering near my cranial. I believe it is referred as: T-Bagged. Pray for me.
NY Homeless Voted Best Dressed In Nationwide Bum Poll; Hunger Still Big Problem, Says Findings
by Lonnie Blossom - in NY
New York - They may be cold and ravaged by disease, but New York's not-so-finest are dressed to the nines, so says a study that I kind of conducted.
All across the country I have visited several Bridge overpasses and blood banks to ask what the uncounted think of the fashion world and where they fit in. Most had nothing more to say than "gimme some food dammit", but on occasion I would meet a hard-lucker who had a valid opinion on the issue. Slim Nbones, a Chicago smack junkie and resident of the trash can near the Water Tower, told me he thought the bums in New York had the best selection and taste in fashion apparel. "Got any dank man?"
Around the USA, all these vagrants could talk about is their New York brothers and the way they dress. "It gets pretty cold up there, so I guess a nice overcoat and some long undies would help big time," said Lena Mott of Indy, "plus I'll bet the free clinics up there could better treat my glaucoma than over here."
Whatever their taste, these freeloaders all agree, New York homeless people dress the best!!!
Baby Loses Control of Bowels; Ruins Diaper
by Donny Snatch
I may be the least qualified baby-sitter in the world, but that doesnt give this kid a right to shit all over himself and his crib. Its gonna take me all night to get this mess cleaned up and I haven't got all nite. I think I'll just get up and leave. Then we'll see who's laughing. Stop drooling!!!
GooGoo GaaGaa; PeePee PooPoo
Lonnie Blossom takes a 'closer peek' at how the elderly are ruining our nursing homes.
New York - "The Horror...The Horror!"
Some fat guy said that in some movie and let me tell ya, it's the best description I can think of for our old folks homes these days.
You've all been to one to visit your great aunt or whatever, and it seemed ok didn't it? Well that's because the old dolts knew you were coming. Try showing up unnanounced and you'll see the true picture of our nations elderly; complete w/ rampant misbehavior that some pundits call "devilish."
At the Villa Duarte Residence Home for the Aged, old guy Joe "McGillick" McGillick personifies your typical senior.. "I read about trout biscuit sourkraut in Teen People and Rock Island is a fine place to penetrate," stated Mr. Evil right after dropping two crab cakes in his Depends. On any given day, you'll find them throwing things at their "captors" and speaking in code. Babbling and drooling seem to be the main source of communication for these welfare leeches, but they also have perfected the art of "smell-comm," a way they talk to each other through horrible scents and odors.
When not terrorizing the staff, the zombie-like fiends enjoy strolling through parks and clogging the lines at your local supermarket. The solution to this geriatric jam is unclear, but moving them out of these fine nursing homes should be the first step.
Donny Snatch to Contest Mail Fraud Charges
By lonnie blossom
New York - The scene at Donny's lawyers office was fiery to say the least. DS has decided to strongly deny any wrongdoing for his self confessed "mail openin' jubilee". These acts comprised of sticking a mechanical arm down a mailbox and grabbing as much mail as possible. Then, as Donny put it, "i'd open'm and take the prizes."
Donny Pokes Robert DeNiro with Twig
by lonnie blossom
TriBeca - "Um, what the hell are you doing?" said film legend Robert DeNiro outside his Loft, "Well, I'm poking you with a stick little Taximan." replied Donny. "So you know who I am then." "Fuck yeah I know who you are, your'e the raging bull!" "Ok, so why did you just poke me with that twig?" "Cuz you provoked me dogggg." "No I didn't!" Me: "Cmon Donny let's get out of here, he's trippin'."
