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Guide For Beginner's
Advice On Seeking a Domme
How to Petition a Mistress
Discipline or Abuse?
What Happens When It Ends?
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Guide to Wax Play
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Spanking and Fisting Guide
Guide For Self Enema
Spanking Guide
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What Every Sub Should Have In Their Toy Bag
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jay's beginner’s guide to D/s relationships
Welcome!
Chances are that if you are reading this, you have some interest in some sort of a Dominant/submissive relationship.
So what now?
Really the best way to start, is to learn as much as you can about the topic, by doing things such as reading guides, talking to people, basically getting as much information as you possibly can. It’s important to note though that there is no one rulebook, person or web site that is absolutely correct (not even myself!). Look around, gorge yourself in the information that is out there, and do your best to sort it out, taking the best of what you have figured out.
Yes, some places are better than others, but I highly doubt that a large group of people could agree on just one. This guide is simply my own personal take on my own reading and experience.
Language.
There are roughly a bazillion acronyms and terms used in this realm, and though not all will be needed, it’s a good idea to get to know them before you begin searching for a partner, or continue with a partner. Though many are out there, the most comprehensive in my opinion was a glossary from a book called
"Come Hither", I cannot emphasize enough that no one source is absolutely correct, that many people have penned guides and introductions, and that they all are different.
First things first.
A D/s relationship is one where a dominant controls a willing submissive, and the relationship’s seduction is through the willing one’s obedience and/or servitude to the dominant. In other words, each side gets what he or she wants out of the deal.
The dominant seeks control, while the submissive places his or her trust in the dominant one. Like any other relationship, both sides need to get something out of it, or else it won’t work. It’s that simple.
Common sense.
This maybe should have come first in this guide, or really in any guide for any topic.
Use your brain!
This will be mentioned many times in this guide, I’m sure, but D/s relationships are incredibly similar to regular relationships. That means any rules that would be common sense in a normal relationship also apply. Some people insist on throwing this sense out this window at first sight of a relationship, and typically they pay dearly for doing this.
The most important things regarding relationships, in my opinion:
Time.
Things will not, and should not happen overnight. Just as a vanilla relationship, love might happen at first sight, but a devoted relationship doesn’t. Get to know the person!
Would you go out on a date with someone without even asking a question or two first, or even a conversation? Move in with that person? Get married?
No one is saying fun can’t be had, but if you are interested in a serious relationship, it can’t happen overnight.
Logic.
If you are involved with someone, or starting the process, and something doesn’t feel/seem right, chances are you are correct, and something is wrong.Stop and think for a little while.Talk to your partner about it.
D/s relationships are about caring for one another, and anyone who truly cares about you will take the time to do things correctly.
If your partner is not willing to wait until your fears or concerns subside, then chances are they are not worth your time. Do not let yourself be forced into doing something you don’t want to.
Trust.
Though third on my list, trust is the foundation of any D/s relationship.
Without honesty, and this solid foundation of trust, any relationship will simply be a farce.
If you truly want to be with someone, but the two of you are miles apart on what you want, than a relationship is not something that will last, and lying to yourself about what you want will only make things worse. That means being upfront and honest about anything asked of you. If you hide anything, it can only hurt the relationship later.
That’s not to say that if you have some sort of disease, that you must start every conversation with "Hello, I have AIDS," but you know the point that a relationship begins to get serious, and you owe it to your potential partner to tell them about yourself at or before this point.
Safety.
Would you be willing to walk down a dark alley to a motel room with someone you’ve just met on a city bus?
Of course not, right?
Then why is it that so many are willing to leap into relationships and sessions with those they have just met?
Safety is an important concern, as these relationships can have high risk factors. This means more than just having a fire extinguisher in the room.
It means knowing the person you are with, and worrying about yours and his or her well-being.
It means not leaving yourself open for things as terrible as robbery and/or rape.
Too many people have simply left themselves too far open, jumping into things, and being exposed to the wrong people. Just because you are in a community, doesn’t mean everyone in that community is a good person.
Commitment.
Ah, the dreaded c-word.
No, not that one, I mean commitment.
Don’t get into a D/s relationship if you don’t have the time to spend with your partner. Some require more than others, but if you are a businessperson, and have to be on the road for 200 days a year, and your relationship requires daily sessions/discussion, chances are it isn’t going to work. Talk to your partner about this, and figure out how much time you and he or she both need, and if that is doable with your schedule.
Open-mindedness.
You might like going to the movies. Your partner might like barhopping.
Such is the way of a D/s relationship, where you and your partner’s kinks most likely will not exactly match.
It is your job to figure out if a deal can be struck, if the two of you can figure out a way to work things out.
If your two interests are fundamentally repellant in D/s, chances are it’s not going to work.
Meeting people.
Online.
Chat rooms, message boards and web sites are a good way to meet people.
Keep in mind, however, that anyone can type that they are 6’1 and 180 with toned muscles. In other words, caveat emptor.
People in online chat rooms can easily keep up an image for a long period of time, and simply toy with your emotions.
That 120-pound blonde nurse could easily be a 350-pound truck driver.
Common sense has to apply.
That means before you give anyone anything online, get to the point where you personally feel you can trust him or her. That goes for name, phone number, e-mail, whatever.
Clubs/groups.
Many cities or areas have groups that get together every so often simply for discussion and meeting people who are interested in D/s or BDSM. I personally have no experience in this; though it has been recommend from those I have spoken to.
Cities also will have designated clubs and areas where people will scene. Check into and read up about these places before even trying to go, as I would guess some don’t simply allow for voyeurs, or those interested in learning. Ask around!
Listings.
Though I again have no experience in this part of it, people will list their interests in relationships in local newspapers, or online postings and message boards. If you aren’t one who would answer a personal ad, than this is probably not for you.
Limits are exactly how far someone is willing to go in a relationship. Don’t ever assume someone is or isn’t willing to go somewhere before you start a relationship. One person’s kink can be another’s nightmare. That means talking to your partner about what the both of you want, and where each of you is not willing to go do no matter what.
Limits can also be physical, as in if someone has allergies to certain materials or foods, or even medical problems that could limit what they can do.
For those who don’t know, a safeword is one that a dominant or submissive can say, that will stop any action, and allow the two to talk about what is going on, or why something needs to be stopped.
Pain is sometimes a part of these relationships, so saying ‘no’ or ‘ow’ does not necessarily mean stop. However, a safeword MUST be taken very seriously.
Make sure the both of you know the safeword, and have a gesture that applies for situations where the submissive is gagged or kept from speaking. This goes a long way into trust, in that one isn’t afraid to try something that borders on their own limits, because he or she can stop the action in a moment with one simple word or gesture.
After all, it is often a dominant’s role to stretch his or her submissive’s limits, and the safeword can be a good indicator as to the length that this person can go. Using it doesn’t automatically make this person a bad submissive; therefore, it you are ever not comfortable to where a scene or situation is going, use it, don’t try and impress your partner by dying of blood loss or suffocation.
Final thoughts
I, by no means, am the authority on anything, much less D/s relationships. I have no doubt that many of these things I have written about, people will disagree with. It’s very basic, and I see it as a very general guide, a kind of rule of thumb.
Above all, use your head, and think about what you are doing before you do it.
But have some fun while you are at it.
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