This is me. Take it or leave it.

I like girls as well as boys. I've known this since I was 16. I've never come right out and told my parents. First of all, I don't think it's really relevant now since I have a boyfriend. Second, I was pretty sure my dad knew this since whenever he'd come into my bedroom when i was a teenager, I'd have Playboy spreads hung up on my walls and he'd kind of look at them and say, "Interesting."

This past weekend I was over doing some work on their computer and he starts going off on this tangent about how homosexuality isn't natural and it's disgusting and that he disapproves of t.v. shows that seem to promote homosexuality. When I pointed out that maybe these television shows were just promoting tolerance and understanding, he said that it should be kept in the closet and that homosexuals should not be allowed to adopt, etc.

It hurt my feelings although I don't think he meant to do so and now that I look at it, he probably doesn't have the slightest idea that I'm bisexual. Or if he did he probably has dismissed my teenage preoccupation with females as just a phase.

It just hurts to know that if one day I do decide to be with a female, he'll never be able to accept it. *sigh*

Hi, my name is Shannon and I'm an empath

Definition: [adj] showing empathy or ready comprehension of others' states; "a sensitive and empathetic school counselor"

For me, with those I'm most close to, I've always been able to feel what they were feeling and get a general imprint of what they may be thinking (as long as I can look them in the eye). Unfortunately, this isn't some party trick that can be performed at will. It's usually pretty random and most of the time I get the bad stuff more than the good.

I've been trying to figure out why, just out of the blue, I've been having anxiety attacks again. Perhaps it is because there is a lot of stress and pressure going on with me right now, that I won't deny. But having dealt with panic/anxiety attacks most my life, I know how to head them off before it gets to a full blown attack. Here recently, I'll be sitting and watching t.v., totally complacent, when bam -- I can't breathe, I feel my heart start racing, and I get real antsy. If you've ever experienced one, you know it's probably one of the worst feelings in the world, like you're not in control of anything that's happening to you.

I haven't had one in years. Brad, however, has. And these attacks always come on when he's in the house stressing and usually having an attack right with me. Weird. More strange is the fact that while he was at work yesterday, I was completely fine. I had no problem getting to sleep, no anxiety attack but once he got home, they started up again.

Remembering

A piece of my past caught up with me a couple days ago.

It's probably a good thing I sat down and talked with him. But how do you apologize for ruining someone's life? You can't really.

He sent me a message through MySpace.com but didn't tell me who he was right away. It's so funny he mentioned certain things from our adolescence because that's how I remember our relationship, not the one we had later on in life. Whenever I would think about him, I would remember us hanging out at his house, or riding in Donnie's car, or swimming in his pool, or him and Jenny Forshey.

I went to visit my grandmother with my mom yesterday. It was weird, she was awake and cognizant, when we asked her questions she answered them but she looked at us like she had no idea who we were and that upset me a lot. Overall though, she looked so much better. There is so much more color in her face now than there was before.