Unaired contents of audio tape key to terrorist plans

File photo of Osama bin Laden teaching Sesame Street watchers how to count from "dirka" to "jihad".

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(JOFUS) -- Although bin Laden's message was clear, "kill the infidels", sources believe the unaired portions of the tape prove more telling of the terrorist leaders intentions.

Since al Qaeda began its focused campaign of terror on the United States and its allies, bin Laden's media coverage has grown at an exponential rate. In fact some reliable terrorist analyzers believe that media presence may be key to his plan of terror.

The latest attempt at stirring up the American public was made last week on a poor quality audio tape released to western news agencies. Every news agency to release the information to date has censored out the audio after the initial "message" is played.

Luckily JOFUS correspondents are not bound by frivolous things such as evidence and investigative reporting and have since 'recovered' the missing audio.

According to senior terrorist correspondant, Al Sharpton, you have to "look past the 'dirka dirka's and the 'jihads'. In fact the most disturbing aspect of the tape is the audio book it was recorded over.

With sophisticated voice recognition technology and an NSA supercomputer on lone (they aren't doing anything important anyway), the original contents was determined to be an energetic retelling of "The Ilyiad" by William Shatner.

After a brief stay in a mental institution, Sharpton believes exposing the public to just 5 seconds of the audio book would result in "servere mental anguish."

This follows closely with other related findings in a well furnished cave in southern Afghanistan. There a whole video library of every Seinfeld and Family Matters episode was uncovered with plans to combine the Erkel laugh with the mind numbing American-isms of Seinfeld humor.

"The resulting sound byte would have melted the neurons that form coherent thoughts in normal humans," Sharpton reports. Evidence suggests that bin Laden's attempts were both unsuccessful and cost of the lives of many 'holy warriors.'

Perhaps the best news to come from this 'lack' of full disclosure by the media is that they prevented a castrophe from hitting American streets. If they weren't doing their job of tellings us what they thing we should know just imagine the consequences.

In a related story, the MPAA, RIAA, SAG, and Alcoholics Anonymous are all sueing bin Laden over copyright infringement and software piracy.