Department of Homeland Defense Issues Security Warning

Terrorists could attack here or there or anywhere

Those areas marked in dark grey are targeted for terrorist attack.

A picture from the children's awareness pamphlet.

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YOUR E-MAIL ALERTS

(JOFUS) -- Actionable intelligence leads CIA officials to believe that terrorists can attack "pretty much anywhere they damn well please."

Like freshman dates at a prom, terrorist intelligence is bleeding out of captured insurgents from Iraq.

Tom Ridge, director of Homeland Defense has placed around 95% of the world on "alert." Asked what color on the terror alert scale that was Ridge responded "mauve."

FBI officials cited Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Argentina, and France and the only countries free from attack plans.

French officials are relieved that they will not have to surrender to O'sama bin Laden at the first signs of attack.

Argentineans are for the first time proud to host the largest contingent of Neo-Nazi's outside of Palestine. FBI and CIA officials believe terrorists are fearful of genocide if they piss off too many Nazis.

Raising Awareness

CIA officials released a pamphlet for children entitled: "Do you car bombs and spam? We didn't think so."

Using the following prose of Dr. Suess, the intelligence agency's statement was geared at getting children aware of the constant terror threat.

The pamphlet explains that you "do not like car bombs and spam, you do not like them with your ham." It goes further to state you would not like them "in a box, not with a fox, not in a house, not with a mouse, you would not like bombs and anthrax."

The pamphlet points out terrorist links to the ever popular SPAM market, long thought to be the source of all evil. It also encourages young kids to "eat ham" and "educate your women." Sources close to the White House are convinced that "brainwashing... er educating our children is the first step to preventing the spread of terrorism."