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| The Zeppo Buffy: Willow, you okay? Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. Th-the shaking is, is a side effect of the fear. Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head? Faith: Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all. Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow. Buffy: Uh, what do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them? Willow: I brought marshmallows..... Occasionally, I'm callous and strange. Jack: What are you, retarded? Xander: No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything. Can I get you another soda? Cordelia: Boy, of all the humiliations you've had I've witnessed, that was the latest. Xander: I know! You're in a band! That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff! I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar? Oz: Not the way I play it. Buffy: Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died? Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked. Cordelia: Ooo, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission. Xander: Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds. Cordelia: Ooo, again, I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean. Buffy: Did you want a jelly? Giles: I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says 'let's have a jelly in the mix.' Willow: We're sorry.... Buffy had three. Jack: (Holding a large knife) Where do you want it? Xander: I'm fairly certain I don't want it at all, but, uh, thank you. Xander: Yeah. Great knife. Although I think, uh, it may technically be a, a sword. Jack: She's called 'Katie'. Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you. Jack: (Holding the knife at Xanders throat) Your woman looking on, you can't stand up to me? Don't you feel pathetic? Xander: Mostly I feel Katie. Jack: You know what the difference between you and me is? Xander: Again... Katie's springing to mind. Giles:There's something... different about this... menace, something in the air... The stench of death. Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob. Xander: I'm suddenly *very* up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before. Faith: Just relax... And take your pants off. Xander: Those two concepts are antithetical. Xander: Less than two minutes.... Dumb guy.... Little bomb. How hard can it be? Jack: I'm gonna carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm gonna break every one of your fingers. Xander: You gonna do all that in forty-nine seconds? Bad Girls Faith: Nicely diverted, B! Buffy: Diverted? That was me fighting for my life, Miss Attention Span. Faith: This isn't a Tupperware Party. It's a little hard to plan. Buffy: The count of three isn't a plan. It's Sesame Street. Xander: Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh...I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon. Oz: They're typing those now. Willow: I'm so overwhelmed! I-I got in! To actual colleges! And, a-and they're wooing me! They're pitching woo! Buffy: The wooing stage is always fun. Willow: But it's weird. Now, rejection I can handle 'cause of the years of training, but this... Xander: The comedy stylings of Miss Cordelia Chase, everyone. Who, uh, incidentally, won't be needing a higher education when she markets her own very successful line of hooker wear. Cordelia: Well, Xander, I could dress more like you, but, oh, my father has a job. Willow: Oh! I can help. Chemistry's easy. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt. Buffy: New Watcher? Giles: New Watcher. Wesley: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. It's very nice to meet you. Buffy: Is he evil? Wesley: Evil? Buffy: The last one was evil. Buffy: Is he evil? Giles: Not in the strictest sense. Wesley: I didn't get this job because of my looks. Buffy: I really, really believe that. Wesley: Are you not used to being given orders? Buffy: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says 'please'. And afterwards I get a cookie. Faith: New Watcher? Buffy and Giles: New Watcher. Faith: Screw that. Wesley: These are all the diaries, then? Yours included? Giles: That's everything. Knock yourself out... Please? Wesley: Perhaps there were a few more than we'd anticipated, but I'd expect you to be ready for anything. Remember the three key words for any Slayer: preparation... preparation...preparation. Buffy: That's one word three times. Wesley: You're not helping. Giles: (dripping with sarcasm) No. I feel just sick about it. Wesley: Ah. There you are. Buffy: Ah. Speak of the really annoying person. Officer: That's some artillery you two were puttin' together. You with one of them girl gangs? Faith: Yeah. We're the Slayers. Trick: Why do they always gotta be using swords? It's called an Uzi, ya chump! Could have saved your ass right about now. Giles: If you want to criticize my methods, fine. But you can keep your snide remarks to yourself. And while you're at it, don't criticize my methods. Wesley: Oh, God! Oh, God! Giles: (very calmly) It doesn't seem too promising, does it? Wesley: Stay calm, Mr. Giles. We have to stay calm. Giles: (totaly sarcastic) Well, thank God you're here. I was planning to panic. Balthazar: You know what I want. Giles: If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach areas, I'd like to request you kill me now. |
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