Speaka Dah Lingo

Learn to speak propper like wot I does

This was actually snaffled from another site so I wont take credit for it. Can I remember what the site was?, shit no!

aardvark v. US. To Shag; bonk; go horizontal jogging.
ACAB All coppers are bastards. Popular forehead tattoo.
Admiral Browning n. Chocolate log; that which sinks the Bismarck.
air biscuit n. Fart; botty burp. As in "Has somebody launched an air biscuit?"
almond flakes See Mammary Dandruff.
Aphrodite's Evostick n. Semen; human bonding fluid.
Arsecons n.Of information technology, those computer keyboard symbols
used illustratively to indicate the condition of an arse
e.g. (_!_) Normal arse; (__!__) Lard arse; (!) Tight arse; (_*_) Sore arse; (_o_) Slack arse etc.
Arse-grapes n. Descriptive term for Nobbies(qv); Haemorrhoids.
Arsenal are at home euph. Nick Hornsby's bird is chasing the cotton mouse; Has the painters in, etc.
Arsenal can be relpaced with any sports team that plays in red.
articulate the archdeacon SeeBash the bishop.
ass n. US. That part of the body, the whooping of which indicates a comprehensive victory,
and of which the invitation to kiss is often made rhetorically.
assets n. Of british tabloid journalism, a girls breasts.See also charms
aunty's round euph.girl-speak. Avisit which, not unlike having the painters in can affect a girl's social life.
As in "Sorry love, not today. Aunty's round. But I can play tennis if you like."
awaken the bacon v. Sexually arouse the male; stimulate the penis; polish the pork sword.
Aztec two-step n. Diarrhoea dance along the lines of the Tijuana Cha-cha

baby gravy euph. Semen; smegma. Also baby bullion.
back door conquistador. n An ombre who wears a coco sombrero
back wheels n. Bollocks; balls. As in "What a gob, She even managed to get me back wheels in."
bacon bazooka n. Penis; pork sword; the pink oboe
bag ladies period sim. Foul tasting. As in "Don't buy Mrs Timkins home made jam vicar I've tasted nicer bag ladies period."
bahookie n. scot. Arse
bald man n. The penis; Kojak; Captain Pickard. also the old man.
ball v To bonk; nob; bang; shag.
balloon knot n. Ringpiece; chocolate starfish.
balls 1.n Testicles; those spherical spunk factories on the Scrots Road Industrial Estate.
2. n. courage; guts. As in "I like him he's got balls."
3. exclaim. Denial. As in "Has he balls got balls!"
4. n. Rubbish; nonsense. As in "Balls! Of course he's got balls".
5. n. Round things you play football with.
banana hammock n. Skimpy undercrackers or swimming trunks. The male equivalent of genital floss.
Barclays rhym. slang Wank; J Arthur Rank From Barclays Bank.
bargain bucket n. An over-employed and over-stretched fanny; welly top.
bash-the-bishop v. To masturbate; burp the worm; toss; bank with Barclays
bastard n. A football referee.
Baywatch-athalonsport Not unlike the triathalon except to acheive victory in this sport you must finish your wank, go into the kitchen to get a beer, make a sandwich and get back to the sofa to watch the sencond half of Baywatch. see Pamela Anderson Salute
Bean flicker n. Lesbian
beard n. A woman married to a gay man in order to conceal his homosexuality.
As in: "Do you reckon that Sophie's a beard then, or what?" See alsowhiff of lavender.
Bearded clam Aus. Vagina; fanny. as in "how did you get on bruce? Did you spear the bearded clam?"
Bear trappers hat n. Hairy front bottom. As in "She had a fanny like a bear trappers hat"
Beat-the-meat v. To avail oneself of a ham shank; perform the five knuckle shuffle.
Beaver n 1. US female pubic hair. 2. Fanny; the female genitals in general.
bed flute n. Wind instrument closely related to the pink oboe.
beef bayonet n. Penis; cock; pork sword; love torpedo.
Beef curtains n. Of female genitalia, those folds of skin known as the labia minora, or small lips. or indeed piss flaps.
beer goggles n. Imaginary optical aids through which ugly women begin to apperar attractive after you have drunk too much beer. as in "What? You fancy that !?! you must be wearing beer goggles".
beetle bonnet n. Female pubic mound as viewed through tight pants, or when shaven.
From the design of the classic vw car.
bell n. Clitoris. As in "you can ring my be-e-ll, ring my bell, ding dong, ding dong."
belly flopper n A clumsy brown trout whose graceless entry into the water causes splashing of the arse.
big cock day n. A day, Quite possibly in the spring, the arrival of which is greeted with the dawn horn
and throughout which the sap continues to rise. For example 'As he wrestled himself into his shreddies, d'arcy knew it was going to be a big cock day'. (Pride and prejudice by Jane Austen).
Billy Mill roundabout n. The climactic point of masturbation. From the A1058 Coast Road in Newcastle. e.g.
"My mum walked in just as I was coming up to the Billy Mill roundabout". See also vinegar strokes
Bimboid adj. Apertaining to Joanne Guest / Pamela Lee Anderson.
Blow job n. Dangerous sex act whereby the female inflates the male's testicles by blowing air into his penis.
Blue veined piccolo. n. Penis; cock. Also blue veined custard chucker.
botty burp n. a noxious expulsion of anal gasses; a fart
Bourbon.n. Fancy 'licker'. Someone who is good at horatio.
Bowling from the Pavilion end euph.Homosexual act
box of assorted-creamsAus. n. A sexually promiscuous female, as in:
"Watch yourself there Bruce, that one's a right Box of Assorted Creams".
brim n. The skirting around the base of one's helmet.
Brown eye n. The ring through which the brown trout jumps on their journey down the pan.
brown pipe engineer n. A plumber who comes in the tradesman's entrance.
Brown trout n. A Turd; big job; shite.
build a log cabin euph. To pass an enormous, solid stool. As in: 'I wouldn't go in there mate Someone's just built a log cabin"
bulldog eating porridge euph. The vagina in the aftermath of sex. As in "She had a fanny like a bulldog eating porridge".
Earliest recorded use from Shakespeare’s Henry IV. "And lo, I see my ladies' bulldog hath been eating porridge again".
Burp the worm v. See Bash the bishop.

cable laying euph. To excrete solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying.
Cattle rhym. slang Cattle truck - Fuck. Also trolley (and truck), Friar (Tuck) or Russian (Duck).
camel's foot n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those folds generate in a ladies crotch
when they an pulled up too tightly. See also Twix lips.
chapel hat pegs sim. To describe large, erect nipples. As in: 'Phoarr! She had nipples like chapel hat pegs'.
Also pygmies' cocks; Scammel wheel nuts.
charms n. In British tabloid journalism, the breasts. Usually prefixed by "ample". see also assets
chase the cotton mousev. To have the painters in; Flags out; Surf the crimson wave.
chocolate log n. often confused with the Loch Mess monster.
chocolate starfish n. See Balloon knot
Chocolate shark n. Unlike it's relative the brown trout, the appearance of this giant
beast from the bumhole often causes panic among toilet go-ers.
Choke the chiken/goose. See Bash the bishop or burp the worm.
Clitoris n. Mythical creature no man has ever encountered except by accident, believed to be a type of rodent.
Cock 1. n. Penis; willy; knob.
2. n. A person to whom a chirpy cockney wishes to speak, esp. when prefixed by "wotcha...."
3. n. A sort of chicken.
Cock smoker n. A lady who plays horatio on the Trouser trombone/ trumpet.
coco sombrero n. Mexican variation on the brown hat.
Copper bolt n. Very heavy or solid stool.
costume drama n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot decide what to wear for a party.
crapper n. Lavatory. From the German inventor of the self-cleaning water closet, Thomas Shitehousen.
crop spraying euph. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying. For example, a doctor may enquire:
"So; how's your old Gary Glitter? Have you been cable laying or crop spraying"
Crotch crickets n. Crabs.
crowd pleaser n. Unusual or noteworthy stool which you feel an urge to show to someone before you flush. Possibly a U-blockeror a copper bolt.
Cumulo nimbus n. the posh latin name for oral sex.; Stimulation of the clematis.
Curl one off v. to carefully deliver a stool.
Curler n. A lump of excrement having been curled off.
Curtain rings n. Pierced labia see beef curtains.

dancing with the captain v. specifically the hand jive, Roman helmet rhumba, Bologna bop or five knuckle shuffle.
dangleberries n. Winnets; excrement adhering to the hairs around a badly wiped bottom.
Dawn horn n. Early morning tent pole; awake with a Jake. Sometimes appearing after breakfast,
at the bus stop for example.
Difficult brown n. Irish, Greek, as in "I'd rather take the easy pink than the difficult brown".
Dockers thumbs sim. Large, erect nipples. As in "She had nipples like dockers thumbs".
see also chapel hat pegs; scammel wheel nuts; pygmies cocks.
dog eggs n. Dog turd, often 'laid' on the pavement.
Donald rhym. slang. Fuck. From Donald Duck
drive the porcelain busv. A kneel-down visit to the lavatoryduring which one holds the rim
(like a steering wheel) and does some psychadelic yodeling.
drop a pebble v. To erroneously emit a small body of faeces whilst attempting to break wind. See alsofollow through.

Eartha Kitts rhym. slang Shits; diarrhoea. Also Brad Pitts, Thruppeny bits
egg bound adj. Blocked of the fudge pipe; constipated.
Empty the anaconda v. To syphon the python.
ESD v. Eat Shitty Dick. To smoke a pink cigar fresh from kak canyon.
Can be used as an insult in the suggestive form e.g. "Eat Shitty Dick, Fuck-face"
exercise the ferret v. To copulate; bury the bishop (as opposed tobashing the bishop)

fairy hammock n. Panties.
family jewels n. Knackers; male genitalia.
fanny n. 1.UK Minge; female genitals. 2. US Arse; backside.
fanny batter n. Crusty residue found on hairy pie.
fanny bomb n. Moment of sexual fulfilment in a woman; female orgasm. as in "I think the fanny bomb just went off".
fanny flange n. Clitoris.
fanny fright n. Nervous condition affecting some macho men who suddenly become reluctant
to have sex when presented with the opportunity.
farmers rhym. slang Piles. From Farmer Giles.
fart v. To make an anal announcement; the diction of friction caused by a passage of foul air through vibrating buttocks.
fart sack n. Bed; scratcher. As in "Come on love lets hit the fart sack".
feather spitter n. Pillow biter who has bitten the pillow too hard or too often.
feeding the ducks v. To wank. From an apparent similarity in the hand movements involved.
Feeding the pony v. Also to wank. But I've never seen a pony fed like that.
fill your boots v. Get your oats.
firing blanks v. Post-snip ejaculation. As in "You can put the ticklers away love, I'm firing blanks"
fish mitten n. Hairy pie; captain's pie; haddock pastie.
Friday supper equivalent to lab kebabs or vertical bacon sandwiches.
fish supper euph. Carnival knowledge to which a husband is entitled at the end of the day.
fist magnet. n. Someone who attracts fists to the face.
fist rape v. Taking advantage of your fist after inviting it back to your place for a coffee
and a flick through a dirty magazine.
five finger spread n. Highly counter-productive attempt to suppress a vomit with the hand.
five knuckle shuffle v. One-handed work-out to a Cindy Crawford video.
flags are out adj. Wet paint warning; fixture list shows Arsenal are playing at home.
flange n. Muff; beaver;minge.
flash the upright grinv. To expose the female genitals; flash the gash.
fnarr fnarr! exclaim. Supressed childish exclaimation of amusement uttered after a double enterndre.
follow through v. To accidentally soil ones underpants whilst attempting to fart.
French n. Popular coital position whereby the man sits astride a bicycle selling onions while the woman
perches on the handlebars and inflates his testicles.
Friar Tuck see Donald Duck
fuck 1. v. To have it off; Shag. 2. v. To have someone oot; chin.
3. v. To break; damage something beyond repair.
4. v. To dismiss with contempt e.g. "Fuck that for a game of soldiers".
5. interj. Exclaimation of surprise or disappointment.
See cattle or Donaldfor polite alternatives.
fucker n. An individual; person. Often prefixed "Big fat".

Gadzooks! exclaim. Corruption of 'God's hooks' (a reference to the nails used in the crucifixion).
Once a high ranking swear word but now safe to use, even in front of the vicar.
galloping knob rot n. VD; any painful social disease resulting in the pissing of metaphorical tin tacks.
gang bang n. A bike ride on which a group of males share one bicycle between them.
Gary Glitter rhym. slang Shitter. Also council gritter.
gash 1. n. Vulva 2. n. Plural of females; totty; blit; bush; talent..
gazunda n. Potty; chamber pot. (Gazunder the bed).
genital floss n. Skimpy bikini bottom. See also banana hammock.
get a click v. To score; pull; tap off, with a view to getting boots.
get boots v. US toget it on; get your end away.
get it on v. To get off, get it up and get your oats.
get it up v. A significant part of getting your end away after getting off.
get off teenage v. Get a click; first step towards getting your oats.
get up them stairs v. The cry from a chauvanist male to his wife which indicates that he has finished eating,
drinking and watching footbal, and now wishes to retire to the bedroom
to make an ungainly an flatulent attempt at sexual intercourse before falling asleep.
Get your oats See get your end away
Get your end away Seeget it on
ghost shit n. Stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up and turn round to admire it.
Compare crowd pleaser.
give the dog a bone v. To sexually satisfy a female. Also give the cat a goldfish.
Glory wipe. n. The token arse wipe required after passing one of those rare but pleasant stools which slip out clean as a whistle leaving hardly a trace of Eartha Kitt around the balloon knot. Compare ghost shit, crowd pleaser.
gob job See blow job
gobble n. Noise made by turkeys.
going down n. What a bird does on you prior to giving you head.
golden shower euph. A vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German bathroom.
goolies n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a vicar or grandparent.
gorblimey n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950's
grin like a wanking Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do as he turned (even more)
Japanese as he neared the vinegar strokes on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv).
grow a tail v. To defecate; build a log cabin
guff v. To fart; let off.
guff cloud n. The noxious vapour produced by guffing.
gusset typist euph. A woman who masturbates.
gusset nuzzler euph. Lesbian.

haddock pastie See hairy cheque book.
hairy cheque book See hairy cup.
hairy cup See hairy doughnut.
hairy doughnut Seehairy goblet.
hairy goblet See hairy lasso.
hairy lasso See hairy pie.
hairy pie n. A kipper; Velcro triangle
half leapfrog v. To have sex in the doggie position.
hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine in which the beef curtains are visible.
ham shank rhym. slang for a Barclays
hand shandy v. sex with the one person who truly loves you, wank
happy lamp n. Sixth gear stick. As in: "I'm homy. Think I'll give my happy lamp a quick buff.
happy sack euph. Scrotum; scrots; nads.
heave a Havana polite euph. Take a dump
Herbie's bonnet SeeBeetle bonnet.
hide the salami euph. A game for two players, one sausage and a hairy pie
honey altar n. See honey pot.
honey pot See hairy cheque book.
horatio n. Posh Latin term used by doctors for oral sex on a man.
horizontal jogging euph. Sexual intercourse.
hump v. 1. To shag; have sex with. 2. To carry heavy amplification equipment to and from a live music venue.
hungry arse n. The condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a crease in their pants appears to
disappear up the crack of their arse.

I.B.M. abbr. Itty bitty meat. A small penis.
Iggy Pop shot n. To "whack off over a TV's ass because it would be a pity to waste it".
Irish shave n. A dump.
Irish toothache n. An erection; bone. As in: "Is that a gun in your pocket, or have you just got Irish toothache?"
I say! Interj. Expression of joy upon seeing an attractive woman. Attr. Terry Thomas.
I.R.S. abbr. Itchy Ring Syndrome. Irritating anal affliction caused by insufficient wiping of
the chocolate starfish, or inflammation of the farmers.

jack off v. To choke the chicken
jacked up adj. To be celibate whilst suffering from a venereal disease.
jam rag n. Tampon.
Japanese flag n. The appearance of the arsehole the morning after a vindaloo curry.
As in: "Christ almighty! I think I'm sitting on a Japanese flag".
Jap's eye n. Male urethral opening.
J. Arthur rhym. slang Masturbation. From J. Arthur Rank -wank.
For example, while watching blue movies Jonathan Ross might say:
"Phwwoar! What I weally want wight now is a quick J. Arthur".
jazz mag n. A printed volume of pornographic material; a journal of gentleman's interest.
jelly water mangoes euph. Large knockers.
Jemima suit n. A tight fitting costume worn by fetishists with strategically positioned openings over the erogenous zones.
Jenny US n. Fadge; minge.
Jimmy Riddle rhym. slang Vicar friendly term for a piddle.
jism n. Semen. Also gism.
jittler n. Helmet cheese.
jizz abbr. Jism v. To ejaculate.
jizzbags n. The scrotum; John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.
job n. A Richard.
jobby Scotch variation Job.
jobby jouster n. A lunchbox lancer who jousts with another man's jobs.
Jodrell rhym. slang J. Arthur (qv). From Jodrell Bank, the Knuts... fnarr fnarr! ... ford space research laboratory.
Johnny See rubber Johnny.
John Thomas n. The pet name by which Lady Chatterley's lover (on the level gardener Mellor) famously
referred to his pink hoe, in the famous saucy book.
John Wayne's hairy saddlebagsn The scrotal sack, but only if you are not a poof.
joombye (joom-bee) Scotch n. jism.
jubblies n. Breasts; pink pouffes.
jugs euph. Bosoms. As in: 'Pardon me madam, I was just admiring your lovely pair of jugs"

kahoonas n. Large wobbly breasts; golden bodangers ; kermungers; gert stonkers
kak n. Shit. From Wales.
kakpipe cosmonaut n. One who prefers to dock with the rear unloading bay.
kangaroo shagging a space hopper sim. Sexually energetic; promiscuous.
As in "Phwoarr! She goes like a kangaroo shagging a space hopper".
keech n. Crap; kak.
keister n. kak hole; arse.
khaki buttonhole See chocolate starfish.
Khyber posh rhym. slang Anus. From Khyber Pass (par-ss) - arse.
kipper n. Minge; Captain's pie.
kipper for breakfast euph. To rise early and go for a horizontal jog.
Kit-Kat shuffler euph. Masturbateress; gusset typist.
kitten hammock n. Bra.
kittens noses n. Nipples.
kling-ons n. 1. Winnits; dangleberries; anal hangers-on. 2. One of many Star Trek aliens with bumpy foreheads.
klutz n. Idiot. From the German for block of wood.
knackers n. (na-kaz) childish Testicles. As in: "Ooyaah! I've knacked me knackers!"
knee trembler n. Intercourse while both parties are standing up. Often in a shop doorway.
knob cheese n. 1. Smegma. 2. Foreskin feta found underneath Kojak's roll-neck, also knob stilton, knob yoghurt.
Kojak's roll-neck n. Foreskin. Based on the bell end headed seventies TV detective.
kosher dill n. Circumcised salami; Kojak minus the collar.

lab kebab abbr. Labia kebab; fish mitten; vertical bacon sandwich etc.
labia lard See fanny batter.
langball n. A type of dangleberry which attaches itself to John Wayne's hairy saddlebags (qv).
langer n. Penis; whanger.
lamb cannon euph. An arms development dating somewhere between the pork sword and the bacon bazooka.
lapper n. A musician who plays thepink oboe; a hairy pie eater.
lavender See whiff of lavender.
lay a cable euph. Build a log cabin. See also cable laying.
lead the llama to the lift shaft euph. Sexual intercourse.
Leo Sayer rhym. slang All dayer. Bender; prolonged drinking spree; all day party.
lepidopterist n. Person who collects butterflies e.g. Val Doonican.
Lesbian n any female who rejects your advances whilst you are under the influence of alcohol.
lettuce n. Female genitalia.
lickalotopus n. Latin name for a tuppence licker of pre-historic reptilian proportions.
lid n. Bit above thebrim.
lils n. Tits.
liquid laughter n. Puke.
log cabin Seebuild a log cabin.
loon pipe n. Anus.
loose at the hilt adj. To have diarrhoea; crop spray.
lose your mess euph. Ejaculate; to shoot ones load.
lotties n. Breasts.
love puff euph. Gentle, lady-like fanny burp.
love spuds euph. A root vegetable found in the shreddies; knackers.
love torpedo n. boastful Penis. As in: "I sank her bacon battleship with my love torpedo". Also love truncheon.
lunch box n. In British tabloid journalism, that bulge which appears in athlete Linford Christie's shorts; a penis.
lunchbox lancer n. archaic Medieval term for a coco shunter. First used by King Arthur to describe the
French army. He wrote: "Fear not the French, for their knights are without heart, and their King without wisdom.
But keep thine backs as to the wall, for amongst their number thou shalt find more than a few lunchbox lancers,
I can tell you".
lychees n. A more exotic alternative to plums.

mackerel n. Pimp. (Unusually, a fish word not referring to the vagina).
Madam Palm and her five sisters euph. Wanking. As in: "I'm just off to bed with Madam Palm and her five sisters".
mammary dandruff n. Morning-after residue left by a pearl necklace.
manfat n. Semen. Also man's Milk
map of Africa n. The unfortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the mattress
below after a sexual exchange of bodily fluids.
marge n. A loose woman. From margarine -`spreads easily'.
margold n. The ability to do 5 pop shots in two hours. To do a margold. After the US porn actor Bill Margold.
Marmite motorway n. Anus; arsehole; back passage.
Marmite driller euph. Seebrown pipe engineer.
meat and two veg. euph. Penis and testicles; wedding tackle.
meat market euph. Bar or club heaving with totty.
meat seeking missile euph. Penis; love torpedo.
milkman euph. affectionate Penis;pork sword.
mince medallions n. See dangleberries.
mess n. Semen; gunk; cock hockle. See also lose your mess.
ming Scotch 1. v. To emit a foul smell. As in: "Christ, it's minging in here!" minging
2. n. Awful. As in: "Peter Beardsley's haircut was minging".
minge n. Fanny; quim.
minge winker euph. Strip tease artist.
minnie moo n. Minge.
mohair knickers euph. A large minnie moo.
monkey n. Vagina. As in: "Does the monkey want a banana?"
Montezuma's revenge n. Diarrhoea; Tijuana cha-cha.
moss cottage n.John Thomas'sideal home; minge.
mott n. Minge; mapatasi.
muck n.Mess. As in "Shoot your muck"
muck spreader n. Arse; bum.
mud n. Excrement.
Mudeye n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder.
muff 1. n. Minge; fanny. 2. v. To shag; have intercourse with.
3. v. To miss an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. "Andy Cole has muffed it."
muff diver n. A footballer who misses easy goal scoring opportunities, then falls over in an attempt to win a penalty kick.
muff nudge n. The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresser's waist against your
elbows while she leans forward to cut your hair.
mullet n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and eighties footballers.
mumblers n. Tight women's bicycle shorts through which you can 'see the lips moving
but can't understand aword. See also Twix lips, camel's foot, hungry arse.
mustang n. Of shitty arses, that stubborndangleberry which cannot he shaken off.
mutton musket euph. A smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb cannon. Also mutton bayonet, mutton dagger.
mutt's nuts adj. (Superlative of good) Variation of dog's bollocks.

nads n. Testicles; plums. abbr. gonads.
nadbag n. Nutsack; scrotum.
navigator of the windward passage euph. Rear admiral.
Nobbies rhym. slang. Piles; Emmas; bum grapes.
From Nobby Stiles, combative, bald, false teethed 1966 World Cup winning English footballer.
norks n. Knockers.
norton n. Bearded clam; Beetle bonnet.

olivia v. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress, all at once.
oil the truncheon euph. To polish the bobbies helmet; collect one's own kindling; wank.
onanism n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. v. A posh word what the Queen might use for wanking and that.
on the other bus euph. Homosexual; bowling from the Pavilion end.
one eyed trouser snake euph. Penis; John Thomas; pink oboe. Also one eyed zipper fish, one eyed pant python.
one off the wrist euph. Five knuckle shuffle; hand shandy.
open your lunchbox euph. To float an air biscuit resembling yesterday's egg sandwiches.
owner operator euph. Wanker; one who plays with his own pork sword.

painting the ceiling euph.Wanking; the one handed snake charming of the pant python.
pan handle UK euph. Erect penis; wood.
pant moustache n. The effect achieved when the mapatasi extends symmetrically beyond either side of
the shreddies. See also spiders legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; nonsense; arse. As in: "You're talking pants!".
Pamela Anderson saluteeuph To paint the ceiling whilst watching Bay watch .
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits.
park the fudge v. To shit; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers, a ladies underwear; knickers. As in: "H-excuse me medem, but I may need to take down your particulars". (Fnarr fnarr!)
passion flaps n. A more romantic term for beef curtains.
passion pit n. Bed. See also Fart sack.
Pat Cash rhym. slang. Slash; piss; siphon the python. From the Australian tennis player.
pavement pizza n. The contents of ones stomach as they appear after barfing (qv) in the street.
pearl necklace n. The sticky consequences of reaching the Billy Mill roundabout whilst having a sausage sandwich. As in: "I gave her a beautiful pearl necklace".
pebble dash v. To crop spray the toilet bowl .
peeling the carrot euph. Spanking the monkey.
Percy 1. UK n. Penis. As in: "Im just off to point Percy at the porcelain".
2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive.
period drama n. To describe the moody and eratic behaviour of women at times of PMT.
pie See hairy, fish, Captain's.
pills n. Pods; knackers.
Pillow bitern He who bites the pillow after he has finished blowing a sailors hornpipe. The sailor in question being a poo pipe Pirate. (Possibly to get the taste out of his mouth). (Contributed by R Holmes)
pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Windward passage.
pinch a loaf See curl one off.
pineapple rhym. slang. Sperm; semen. From pineapple chunk - spunk.
pink Darth Vader euph. Cock. From the Star Wars character with a helmet.
pink oboe euph. Penis. As in: "Tell me madam, do you play the pink oboe?"
pink steel n. Material used as an alternative to wood.
pink velvet sausage wallet euph. Vagina.
pipe smoker 1. US n. Male homosexual. 2. A person who smokes a pipe.
pirate of men's pants euph. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; cock; penis.
piss flaps 1. n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of disappointment.
As in "Oh piss flaps! I never win the Lottery!"
piss rusty water Roger Mellie euph. To gargle and spit arse piss ; to crop spray.
pitch a tent v. To getwoodbeneath the bed linen, or conspicuously in ones trousers.
playing the bone-a-phone euph.Wanking; partaking of a hand shandy.
play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Usually homophobic.
As in: "I didn't know Michael Barrymore played the pink oboe".
plinthe n. A large and somewhat redundant penis.
plonker n. An actor who relies entirely on one crap put-down line and a three wheeler car to maintain an entire situation comedy for years and years and fucking years.
plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. Together with melons and large pairs, the source of much mirth in British fruit shops.
plumber's toolbag euph. The furry bicycle stand; mott.
Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles. From the famous Plymouth football club.
poblycwm Welsh n. People who like quim.
pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket rocket See porridge gun.
poe S. Africa n. Vagina.
poe slap n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
poke v. male To shag; screw; have sex with.
polish the lighthouse v. male To masturbate in the bath.
poo packer See Marmite driller.
poo pipe pirate See kakpipe cosmonaut.
poop chute n. Bumhole; arse.
pop shot n. A scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is required to splash his
population paste on camera, after being suitably prepared by the fluffer.
population paste n. Semen; baby bullets.
pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun n. A tool used to distribute population paste..
portion n. A good seeing to; a shag. As in: "I'd give her a portion, and no mistake".
pouch n. An aging, saggy mott that hangs like a sporran.
PMT n. An Ideal time for women to murder husbands or shoplift and get off on
the grounds of diminished responsibilty
pugwash Aus. n. Blow job.
pull a train euph. To take turns at stirring the porridge; for a group of men to all have sex with the same lady friend.
puma abbr. Pants Up My Arse. Seehungry arse.
puppies n. affectionate Breasts.
purple headed womb broom euph. Penis. purple helmet Pink Darth Vader's headgear; bobbies helmet; bell end; glans.

quack n. A short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic "Oops!".
quaker n. Stool. As in: "Where is your lovely wife?" "Why, she has gone upstairs to bury a quaker".
quaz n. Wanker; bell end ringer. abbr. Quasimodo.
queef US n. Vaginal fart; front botty burp.
quim n. A refined word for the mapatasi such as a gentleman might use at a hay clarse cocktail party.
From the Welsh Cwm - meaning valley of pubes.
quimle v. To eat hairy pie. I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc.

rag week n. 1. A charity event during which students raise money for good causes.
2. The time of the month when the no bathing flags fly.
raisin bag n. Nut sack ; John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.
rake the cage out euph. To build a log cabin; give birth to a Richard.
ram shackled euph. To be engaged in the act of botting.
reach around n. In botting, pouring your partner a hand shandy whilst ram shackled.
rear admiral n. A sailor who prefers to navigate the Windward passage.
rear gunner n. In aviation terms, a gunner who shoots one of his own aircraft by firing his lamb cannon into the bomb bay.
rectal retort n. Fart.
red wings n. The honour bestowed upon someone who consumes a haddock pastie during rag week.
rib cushions euph. Breasts.
Richard n. rhym. slang. Turd. From Richard the Third. e.g. "I've just given birth to a ten pound Richard".
ride the great white knuckler euph. To play rhythm on ones own pink oboe.
ride the porcelain bus euph. An involved visit to the lavatory.
For example, one which encompasses pebble dashing.
ride the waves euph. Shagging a generously proportioned lady friend. As in 'Slap the fat - ride the waves".
ring n. Jacksie; anus; brown eye; chocolate starfish.
ring master n. 1. The master of ceremonies at a circus. 2. A botter.
ring sting n. Inflammation of the ringas a result of pissing rusty water such as after visiting the
Rupali restaurant in Newcastle and sampling the world's hottest curry.
Roger Ramjet n. Botter.
Ronson rhym. slang Arse. From Ronson lighter - shiter.
root Aus v. To shag.
rope the pony euph. To wank.
rotoplooker (ro-to-ploo-ka) US n. Penis; chopper; whanger.
roundhead n. Apink Darth Vadar after the surgical removal of his Kojak's roll-neck;
a yiddled whanger.
round up the tadpoles euph. To wank; bash the bishop.
rub-a-tug shop n. Down market brothel; house of ill repute.
rubber Johnny n. A blob; contraceptive. Also rubber.
rug munchers n. See fanny noshers.
rump gully n. Viewed from Biffin bridge, the gradually sloping valley beyond kak canyon.
rumpy pumpy n. A polite term for sexual intercourse used by professional people, vicars etc.
russet gusset n. Skidmarks or dangleberry smudging of the shreddies.
rusty sheriffs badge euph. Ride along Biffin bridge from John Wayne's hairy saddlebags and there
it is, right in the middle of kak canyon. Just before rump gulley.
rusty water See piss rusty water.

saddle bags n. 1. Labia; piss flaps. 2. Scrotum. As in John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.
Salami n penis; Just don't try to bite the end off, Okay.
salami slapper n. One who tolls upon their own bell end; a wanker.
salmon canyon n. The area beyond the beef curtains ; that boat crewed by the bald man; fanny.
sausage jockey n. Anyone who sits on a sausage and bounces up and down. homophobic Botter.
sausage sandwich n. A juicy salami slipped between two pink baps, the end result of which is a pearl necklace.
SBD abbr. Silent but deadly. A subtle release of pungent botty gas. Also silent but violent.
scumbag n. The ultimate term of abuse known to Garry Bushell and other tabloid journalists.
semen n. spunk; Aphrodites Evostick; I sneezed on the front of my trousers, honest.
sea monster Seeswamp donkey.
serpent socket euph. That hole with which the one eyed trouser snake connects.
shaft 1. v. To shag; screw. 2. The penis. 3. The black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks.
shag v. To have sex; to fuck. n. A sexual encounter; a screw.
shagability n. A measurement of how shaggable a person is.
shaggable n. One who has a high degree of shagability.
shagged out n. Exhausted; jiggered; buggered; fucked.
shake the lettuce euph. fem. Girly expression for having a piss.
shaking hands with the unemployed euph. A wrestling bout between Hand Solo and the pink Darth Vader; wanking.
shampoo the rug euph. To lose one's population paste on a mapatasi . Often when getting off at Edge Hill.
shave a horse euph. To have a piss; take a leak.
shed n. A large, promiscuous woman; slag. Somewhere to stick your tools.
Sherman rhym. slang. Masturbate. Sherman tank - wank.
shirt lifter See uphill gardener.
shit a brick 1. interj. Exclamation of surprise. 2. euph. To be scared. See shit your pants.
Shite hole n. Arse; kak canyon. That which shites.
shite house n. Outside lavatory.
shit faced n. Arseholed; intoxicated; drunk to excess. As in: 'I saw that Rory McGrath the other night. He was shit faced".
shit locker n. Arse; bomb bay.
shit stabber n. Pork swordsman.
shitter n. 1. Anus; kakpipe. 2. Lavatory.
shit your pants v. To be scared; drop a brick; cake ones kecks.
shoot bunnies posh euph. To fart; pass wind; blow off.
shoot in your boot euph. To be excited. Of Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard said: "Jimi made my big toe shoot right up in my boot".
shoot your load v. To ejaculate; lose your mess; discharge theporridge gun.
shoulder boulders n. Large breasts; gazungas.
shreddies n. Undercrackers; kecks; underpants; trolleys.
Sigourney Weaver rhym. slang Beaver; Davey Crockett's hat.
sing sweet violets euph. Airy alternative to building a log cabin; to take a dump.
siphon the python euph.Point Percy at the porcelain; have a piss.
sixth gear n. Wanking, esp. in a parked car.
skid marks n. Severerusset gusset ; pebble dashing of the undercrackers.
slap the monkey See bash the bishop.
skin boat n. Penis. As in: "I'll take the old skin boat to tuna town". attr. Burgess Meredith.
skin flick n. Art house film; blue movie; mamba matinee.
skin flute See fleshy flugelhom, bed flute.
skull buggery euph. Pugwash; salami sucking.
slapper n. Slag; dirty woman. She who has been a round a bit.
slash n. A piss; wee wee.
slash and burn n. 1. Deforestation technique. 2. A painful symptom of venereal disease.
slime Aus v. To ejaculate; chuck ones muck. As in: "Hev yer slimed yet Bruce?" "Will yer shat ap Sheila, ya puttin'me orf".
sloppy seconds n. To be towards the back of a train . See also stirring the porridge.
slit n. Blit; fanny; vertical bacon sandwich.
smoke the bald man euph. To light up a salami cigarette. Also smoke the white owl.
snatch n. Quim; vagina.
snatch mouse n. Tampon.
snowball v. To blow salami cigarette smoke back into the tobacconists mouth. Sort of thing.
soapy tit wank n. Sausage sandwich served in the bath or shower.
sour apple quickstep euph. Suffering from diarrhoea. As in: "Your wife is taking rather a long time in the powder room". "Yes, I'm afraid she's dancing the sour apple quickstep this evening". See also Tijuana cha-cha.
spadger Aus n. Vagina.
spam alley n. The ideal venue for spam javelin throwing.
spam javelin n. Penis.
spam sceptre euph. Penis; pork sword; cock.
spasm chasm See spam alley.
spend tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings euph. To pass loose stools; have diarrhoea.
spider's legs n. Of muffs rogue pubic hairs which protrude beyond the the knicker line.
spit roast n. To be simultaneously skewered at both ends by pork swords; a sausage jockey who
plays a pink oboe whilst still in the saddle.
splash me boots euph. To have a piss.
split a kipper euph. male To have sex. As in "This lady appears to like me. With luck I may later have the opportunity to split a kipper".
sponge n. Of homosexual relationships, the submissive, feminine partner; the noshee as opposed to the
nosher. Usually the thin one. See also stone.
spooge US n. Semen.
sprogdrop n. Pregnancy. As in: "Congratulations. I hear your wife's suffering from sprogdrop".
spunk n. 1. slang Semen. 2. Spirit; pluck. 3. Tinder made from fungus.
4. Aus. Good looking man; dish; hunk.
spunk dustbin See bargain bucket,box of assorted creams. Also spunk bucket.
spurt your curd euph. Spread your spunk; infect others with your pluck and spirit.
squirts n. The condition also known as the sour apple quick step. Also squitters, squite.
steak drapes n. Gammon goalposts;beef curtains.
stench trench disaffictionate euph. Fanny.
steg n. Woman resembling a ferocious, spiny, squat, prehistoric dinosaur, abbr. Stegosaurus. See also shed; swamp donkey.
sticky belly flap cock n. A post wank condition suffered by bishop bashers.
stiffy n. A bone on; erection.
Stilton muffler n. Pungent and unwashed fish mitten.
stirring the porridge euph. To have sloppy seconds; to dip into a box of assorted creams.
stoat n. Beaver; hairy cup.
stone n. Of gay men and women, the opposite of a sponge. The dominant partner.
And usually no oil painting either.
strain your greens euph. To have a piss.
strangle Kojak euph. Male masturbation; peeling the carrot; stroking the wookie.
See Kojaks roll-neck.
stroke mag n. Top shelf literature; art pamphlet; gentleman's interest magazine.
swamp donkey n. A female bereft of physical beauty; tug boat; boiler; sea monster; steg.
switch hitter US n. Bisexual; AC/DC; one who bends both ways. Deriv. baseball - the ability to bat with both hands.
sword swallower n. Sword as in the pork variety.

tackle See wedding tackle.
tackleshack n. Underpants.
tadger n. Penis.
tadpole yoghurt euph. A dressing to accompany a sausage sandwich.
tagnuts n. Winnits; dangleberries; mince medallions.
tail gunner See rear gunner.
taint n. Niffkin's bridge "Tain't arse and 'tain't fanny".
take a Chinese singing lesson euph. Have a piss.
taking Captain Pickard to warp speed TV baldy / cock euph. Masturbation; strangling Kojak.
tallywhacker n. jovial Penis; old man.
Tardis fanny n. Deceptively spacious snatch; bargain bucket.
tatty water n. Spud juice; semen. Literally - potato water.
tea towel holder euph. Anus. From the 1950s plastic 'finger poke style' kitchen accessory.
technicolour yawn Seepavement pizza.
tenpin v. To place digits simultaneously in the tea towel holder and the fish mitten.
From ten pin bowling.
Tits n. Lady bumnps; love pillows
thrap v. To masturbate furiously; to give it six nowt on the Right Honourable member for Underpants.
three legged beaver euph. Homosexual.
thruppeny bits rhym. slang Tits. abbr. thrups.
throwing a Woodbine down Northumberland Street euph. Newcastle Unsatisfying sex with a welly topped individual. As in: "Why man, it was like throwin' a fuckin' Woodbine doon Northumberland Street".
Also Leeds throwing a sausage up Briggate.
thunder box n. archaic Lavatory; water closet.
thunder mug n. Chamber pot.
Tijuana cha-cha n. Diarrhoea. See sour apple quickstep.
tiffter n. An unwanted erection.
tit fairies n. The fictional visitors who magically transform the wife's fried eggs into TNTs during pregnancy.
tit wank See soapy tit wank.
TNTs abbr. Two nifty tits.
toosh n. Totty. From US tush v. meaning arse.
tonsil hockey n. Kissing. As in: "Fancy a game of tonsil hockey?"
top bollocks n. Breasts.
topless hand shandy n. A service available from rub-a-tug shops for between £5 and £25.
toss v. 1. To wank. 2. To flip pancakes during cooking.
toss parlour See rub-a-tug shop.
tosspot n. A person held in low esteem; a fuckwit.
totty n. chauvinistic Girls; fanny. As in: "Hey, this car's a fanny magnet. Since I bought it I've had to beat off the totty with a shitty stick".
touching cloth n. The stage immediately after turtles head when the stool establishes contact with the
undergarments. As in: "Is there a toilet anywhere round here mate? I'm touching cloth".
tradesmen's entrance euph. Back passage.
train See pull a train.
trolleys n. Kecks; underpants.
trots See squirts.
trouser cough n. Fart; botty burp.
trouser Mauser n. A small rapid firing porridge gun..
trouser trumpet n. 1. A fart. 2. The anus.
tubesteak n. A beef bayonet on the bone.
tug boat n. A woman of plain appearance and a compact, muscular build; swamp donkey.
tummy truncheon n. Sixth gear stick; porridge gun; penis.
tuna town n. Female genitalia. See also skin boat.
tuppence licker n. Lesbian.
turning Japanese euph.Wanking. See also grin like a wanking Jap.
turtle's head n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the chocolate starfish; the point at which contracts are exchanged for the building of a log cabin . See also touching cloth.
twat n. 1. A stupid person. 2. A minge.
two puppies fighting in a bag euph. Large, mobile and unrestrained breasts.
two up n. Two up.
Twix lips n. A front bottom version of hungry arse. See also camel's foot.

U blocker n. A turd so big it causes a jobbie jam in the plumbing system.
U.D.I. Unidentified drinking injury. A mysterious injury received during a drinking session and
of which the victim has no recollection.
undefuckable adj. Damaged beyond repair.
up to your nuts in Guts euph. male Aus. Engaged in sexual intercourse.
undercarriage n. Genitalia (male or fem); wedding tackle.
undercrackers n. Kecks; shreddies; Y fronts.
unit n. Penis. As in: "I slipped her my unit".
uphill gardener euph. He who hoes on the pink allotments; the pusher of a cheesey wheelbarrow up the kak canyon; a male homosexual.
vadge n. Vagina; fish mitten. Also US vag.
Valentines Day porridgen. Semen.
veiny bang stick n. Penis; one eyed trouser snake.
Velcro triangle n. Minge;mott; mapatasi. Also Velcro valley.
vertical bacon sandwichn. That which is clearly visible in hamburger shots.
Also vertical smile, vertical taco.
vinegar strokes n. male The final, climactic stages of intercourse or masturbation. As in: "Would you believe it? The phone rang just as I was getting onto the vinegar strokes".
From the similar facial expressions achieved when sipping vinegar.
vixen n. A wily bird; a young temptress; a foxy chick. e.g. Stevie Nicks in about 1978.
vixer n. A sausage eater (not euph.) who hogs all the beach beds on foreign holidays.
vurp n. A burp which brings up a small but foul tasting quantity of stomach contents,
small enough to be gulped straight back down again.

walnut n. Gland up the male arse which causes immediate ejaculation when poked.
walnut manouvre n. The mythical method by which good looking nurses are trained to poke your walnut in order to obtain a sperm sample.
wank 1. n. Rubbish; nonsense. "That is a load of wank".
2.. n. Masturbation. "That was a dead good wank".
3.v. To masturbate. "I really enjoy wanking".
wanker n. 1. He who wanks. 2. A fellow road user; a motorist at whom one waves.
As in: "Yeah... and you too, you wanker".
wankily adj. Badly; sub standard. "He did that really wankily".
wank sock n. A sock used in wanking. Possibly tied to a bed post and designed to indicate when
wind conditions are suitable for masturbation.
wanking spanners n. Hands.
wap-waps n. Breasts. Also dedoo-wap-waps.
waz v. variously To piss; to puke; to wank.
wazzed adj. To be pissed, puked or wanked, presumably.
wear the beard v. To perform oral sex on a woman.
wedding tackle n. The male genitalia.
wedge v. To pull another's underpants up the crack of their arse. n. A wedgie.
welly top n. A term used to describe the vagina. "She had a fanny like a welly top".
whanger n. Large penis. As in: "My, that's a fair whanger you have in your pants".
wheek v. Scotch. To remove shit from an aeroplane toilet.
wheel tapping at the Bourneville factory euph. Dabbling in homosexual practices.the apprenticeship
served prior to qualifying as a fully fledged coco shunter.
whidgey n. Eire Front bottom.
whiff of lavender euph. Suspicion of a beard bride. As in: "I don't know about Edward. There's a whiff of lavender about that marriage".
white mouse n. Tampon.
White owl n. penis; plonker; whanger
whitewater wristing euph. To pull your pud; masturbate.
white wee wee n. Planet Skaros Dalek term for semen.
willnots n. Tagnuts; dangleberries. Arse fudge entwined in the kak canyon foliage which simply will not come off.
Willy Woofter rhym. slang Poofter.
wind jammer n. A brownpipe engineer who leaves his tool in the wind pipe.
winky 1. n. A baby's cock. 2. adj. Having a tendency to wink.
winkybag 1. n. A baby's scrotum. 2. n. An ugly woman who winks a lot.
winnie n. Lesbian; she who licks the honey pot.
winnit n. Kling-on; dangleberry; brown room hangers on.
wood n. Erectness of the cock. "I have got wood".
woody n. An erection.

X-ray specs n. Spectacles usually available by mail order only from crappy magazines which enable the
wearer to see through a woman's clothing.
XXX A special video certificate awarded to pornographic films of exceptionally poor sound and picture quality.
xylophone v. To move along a fine of naked women who are all bending down, and spank their bottoms which are of varying sizes - with ones penis; to play a tune on womens buttocks. From the Greek xylo meaning wood and phonnicus meaning to hit tunefully.

yabba dabbas n. The climactic stages of intercourse; vinegar strokes.
yak n. 1. A large, hairy animal of untidy appearance. 2. Feminist's beaver ;
minge with a pant moustache.
Y bone steak n. The female opposite of a tubesteak.
yongles US n. Testicles.
yank the plank euph. To spank your plank.

zeps abbr. Zeppelins euph. Large breasts.
zig-a-zig ahhh! onomatopoeia To have a bloody good wank while watching a Spice Girls video.
Zinzanbrook NZ rhym. slangFuck; have sex.
zipperfish n. Penis; trouser trout; underpant eel, etc.
zorba v. To have sex with a native whilst on holiday in Greece. As in: "Did you zorba?"
zuffle v. To wipe one's cock on the curtains after having sex in a posh bird's house.

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