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The Biography
of
Voksnel
YET ANOTHER HOURBLASS
HOURGLASS!!!
The Pic Page
Artwork by pathetic mortals like you!
The Summer of Voksnel and His Rise to Power
I, Voksnel, was recently captured by a clan of filthy humans known as the FBI.  During this time I was forced into a trance through hypnosis and was questioned intensively.  (shiver) I managed to escape and retrieve a copy of the interview.  Unfortunately, the FBI still holds at least one copy of the interview, so it shouldn't make a difference if I share this one with you.
E-Mails of Frenetic Death
Why Humans Are Sick
FBI Psychiatrist: All right.  Now, creature, I want you to stare at this watch.  Look deeply, and you should see the secret to world domination.  Ah, yes, you like that, don't you?  . . . all right men, now he's under -- untie his mouth and leave him to me.
What is your name?

Patient: Name . . . they call me . . . Voksnel.

Good.  All right.  So, Voksnel, where, specifically, were you born?
Born . . . no . . . they created me on . . . Xernok [ZAIRN-ok] . . . the city of Miklok.  Yes.
Really, now?  Not on Earth, then, but on "Xernok?"
Correct.
I see . . . How long -- how many Earth-years -- did you spend on Xernok?
Two thousand three hundred sixty-seven . . . and an hour or so . . . left at 126:07 AM . . . wanted to leave early . . .
Why, Voksnel?  Why did you want to leave Xernok?  Why did you leave "early?"
[Here Patient grins broadly for the first time.]
Heh . . . heh-heh-heh . . . WE left Xernok EARLY . . . so early . . . heeheeheehee!
No, Voksnel.  Tell me why you left.  I'm your friend -- your ally.
Why . . . oh, yes.  YES!  We escaped!  We got past the guards.  No one believed us . . . WE DID IT!  We left Miklok at 126:07.  We were tired of the authorities telling us what to do.
All right.  Who were these "authorities?"
The "XVTZW," the Xernokin Viral Telekinetic Zap Wardens.  They wanted us to worship their leader, the Sphinx.  It is evil -- mark my words, man, EVIL!  . . . we knew it would destroy us, the sphinx would . . . but we escaped it . . . we wanted to search for a real leader who would bring us to a greater knowledge of the Universe and to revenge on the XVTZW.
Who is "we?"  Are there others who escaped with you?
. . . I hate pork . . . YES!  Others . . . just Xelar [ZEE-lar] and I.  Poor Xelar -- he was my comrad . . . but no one lives forever . . . especially Xelar . . . he perished in flames.  Others may have escaped since . . . Aerklarceg [AIRK-lar-keg] . . . Orny . . . not many others could have . . .
But Voksnel, why Earth?  Why come here on your search?  What do you want from here?  What do you plan to do?
Yes . . . it SICKENS me!  Earth -- so desolate, so uninteresting, so tiny.  The creatures, humans they call themselves, are disgusting.  But I heard about the Crystalline_Wondercow, and was filled with awe at the thought of the promise it could bring . . . I found it, and met Cheezy_Goodness.  My new comrad.  His wiseness and wit suprised me -- we shant fail.
Fail what?  Voksnel?  Who's Cheezy_Goodness?  Respond, Voksnel!
Heh-heh . . . wait . . . what?  WHAT?!  WHERE AM I?  RELEASE ME, FOR I AM VOKSNEL!  Feel my doom, unintelligent misinformed human!
[Here Patient lets off a stunning burst of energy and contact with the inquiry room is lost.]
                     END OF CONVERSATION
The Cow Archives of Doom
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"HOW IT REALLY HAPPENED"
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(Snel's & C_G's favorite links)
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