Right now it's 10:15pm. About an hour ago my mom and I went over to Joe's trailer. I stayed in the car listening to them for a little bit. Then after he kept getting up to try to kiss her and beg her to let him come home with us, I got disgusted. He was drunk...no surprise there. He's only sober when he's in jail for a few days.
After about 10 minutes I just BLARED Our Lady Peace on my cd player. Then they came over and were sitting on the hood of the car.
Anyway, that's not even the problem. After we left Joe's shack/trailer my mom and I went to Quick Check. She went in to get a pack of cigarettes and a candy bar, and came back out with 2 packs of cigs, a candy bar, and a 6-pack.
So right now she's drinking her beer. She was also telling me that she was going to show me what a "Real cut looks like."
I didn't post it yet, but I haven't cut in about 6 weeks now, and have no intentions of ever doing it again. Now I find myself checking on my mom every few minutes to make sure that SHE'S not cutting. I threw away the piece of glass that she was going to cut with.
She said that she didn't care because she wasn't going to cut herself unless I did it first. She's really pissed off about all the scars on my right leg. She thinks that I cut myself because she was a bad mother. I told her that if it weren't for her, that I'd STILL be cutting, and probably dead. I tell her every day that she's a great mom, but she blames herself for EVERYTHING....But then when we're in theropy she tells the shrink that I blame her for everything and that she's not responsible for anything...Yes, we are confusing people.
She doesn't want to end up in a mental hospital like I was.
I don't want to sleep tonight, I told my mom I was going to shadow her all night. People hate that, but it's the only way that I'll be certaing that she doesn't cut or get really drunk...OR get really drunk and THEN cut.
I'm afraid because she's always telling me that if she were to cut, that it wouldn't be little scratches up and down her legs...She'd make deep cuts up and down her arms.
I told her I was going to call 9-1-1, but in my family that's not a very effective method of intervention...
My grandfather for example, spent 2 weeks in a mental hospital, and the night he was discharged he commited suicide. My family is very fragile so we are usually afraid to make threats like calling the police.
My mom's called the cops on me before...not for cutting...because I refused to go to school for a few months.
I'm back in school now and I actually like it...not the work or anything. I just like hanging out with my friends again. And playing basketball about 5 times a week.
Ok I'm gonna go for now.

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