Sorry I haven't updated my site in awhile. I've been busy with school and really depressed latly...more than usual.
If you've read my previous journals, then you know about Joe. (The guy who is living with my mom and I) And you know that I've started calling my left leg, my "Joe leg" because everytime he triggers me, I cut that leg. Last time I told you about that, I only had 10 cuts...well now I have about 35-40. They go from my ankle up to my knee. :(
My right leg and arms, which I cut when anything besides Joe triggers me, are doing ok. I only have 2 new cuts on my right leg, and no new ones on either of my arms...So basically Joe is my "issue" these days. And there's really no getting away from him because he LIVES with me! :( :(
In other news, I sent my very first letter to my father. I've never met him in person, and have only been talking to him on the phone since November of 2000. He's written me about 3 letters. I just finally got around to writting him a few days ago. I told him about this journaling class that I'm going to start in a couple of weeks. He hasn't written back yet...probably because he hasn't gotten the letter yet. I felt weird writting to him. The reason it took me this long to write to him was because 1. he's a stranger even though he shouldn't be...and 2. I just flat out didnt' know what to say. So this journaling class was the perfect reason to drop him a line because he's really into writting too. He mostly writes about the wars he was in...(WWII, Vietnam, and Korea) He's 70 years old now...with a 15 year old daugher that he's never even seen...except when I was a wee little baby. I also mentioned to him that I have my own website now. (He knows about my depression and anxiety, but I don't think he knows about the cutting) Anyway it doesn't matter because he doesn't have a computer anyway. I wonder what he would think of the angry and sad poems that I wrote about him before I found him...
Kindda sucks. I had to reach out to him for contact...In a way I regret it. He doesn't REALLY love me...He just says he does, probably because he feels like he has to, or because he knows that I'm depressed and thinks that by saying "I love you sweetheart" that I'm going to *POOF* snap out of my depression and say "oh I love you too daddy!" Er...no. Sure I respect the fact that he served in the ARMY for 20 years and all, but he never served me as a father in any way shape or form. And I have no respect for that. I'm not sure if he really wants me in his life now...He's almost as old as my grandfather would have been...if he hadn't killed himself in 1994...
PLUS, my dad calls me once every 2 weeks now (he gets his 72 year old wife to call and ask for me, so he doesn't have to speak to my mother...) I know this is a lot better than never speaking to him at all...But maybe it's not. I kind of prefered picturing my dad as a funny nice guy...My mom always told me that he was dead...Unfourtunatly I didn't believe her and I searched my little heart out until I found his phone number on the Internet... I'm really confused about his whole situation...
A lot of other stuff has been happening latly...But no one really wants to hear me complain for hours. So I'll go now.
I have a couple new poems that I'm planning on putting up later. I don't get much time on the computer anymore. :(
Talk to you later
Becky
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Sorry I haven't figured out how to change my main email addy on my pages to my new email address. The old one doesn't work at all, so please send any emails to this address: [email protected]
Thanks :)