Go 'Hens!

Alright, alright, alright. I've finally done it. My last desperate rationalization - "I've never written a Views before early June" - bit the dust a couple of weeks ago, leaving me with no choice but to actually contribute something to the ole' website beyond ridiculously facile Rumor Mill articles (seriously, those suckers take about 15 minutes to bang out, 10 of which are spent manipulating pictures with the astoundingly powerful Microsoft Paint program). Unfortunately, I went and let half of the season slip by through my procrastination, meaning a fully fleshed-out Views, one featuring my normal quota of puns, alliteration, and exploration of the inverse relationship between Dan Hoffman's ego and Dave Davidson's hairline, would require a wordcount generally reserved for New York Times feature series on Somalia or Darfur or wherever it's fashionable to starve people and then set them on fire this month.

Given this unfortunate position, I've chosen to employ a unique format for this particular article, one that provides a wealth of information to you, the reader, while sparing me, the writer, from the horrors of carpal tunnel syndrome, bedsores, and the need to focus on a single project for more than half an hour. And so, without further adieu, it gives me great pleasure, satisfaction, and relief to present the Mudhens' Midseason Summary Spectacular!

THE OFFSEASON

Dan Hoffman graduates and subsequently retires in order to spend more time with his children on Long Island. Gus Terry jumps ship like a bilge rat on the Titanic, erasing last year's entire starting rotation and leaving an aging Mike Bergman as the staff ace. Neither Jim Ryan, Mike Bordeau, nor Dave Davidson announces his retirement, fueling speculation that they're done with the 'Hens. Davidson also has a kid, obviously as an excuse not to hang out with us after games. Coach Roger's resolve and hair remain steadfast. GM Bergman puts the PSU farm system into high gear, signing Zach Welch, Todd Hughes, and Billy Davis to summer contracts. In a tragedy of epic proportions, somebody apparently tells Travis Lavarnway he should grow his hair out. Jason Kaplan hangs out at Meron's from time to time because he's not the selfish, baby-having type like Dave. Donny Coolidge opens preliminary talks with Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. Shawn Young changes his name to either Derocher, Durocher, or Desrocher, confusing the hell out of key website staff members. Steve Hanley refuses to accept the fact that he's actually been right-handed all along. Steve Peryea is rumored to have practiced with every team besides the Mudhens, but once again fades into the mists of legend. Bergman, continuing his intra-team rivalry with Davidson, gets engaged. A stormcloud settles over Clinton County, where it remains to this day.

WEEK ONE: Loreman's

Loreman's, seeking to take advantage of a shorthanded 'Hens squad demoralized by key offseason losses, comes out firing on all cylinders. This yields nothing whatsoever, as Bergman no-hits them in the first game of the season. Hanley wins game two, aided by his uncanny ability to somehow throw the ball with his left hand. Mike Bergman decides he's now a starting second baseman, and an easy double-play in the second game provides unfortunate reinforcement for this belief. Travis proves surprisingly effective as a roleplayer, while the outfield begins to evince some shortcomings in the area of catching fly balls. I buy an arm's length of raffle tickets, fail to win, and vow never to allow myself to be sucked in by such a scam again. Sweep for the green and gold.

WEEK TWO: @ Hockey Plus

Rainout. I go back to sleep and have a dream where I'm staying at a really nice hotel with a free XBox and a bunch of games but then I decide something's fishy so I find a hidden panel behind a bookcase and then I crawl through a secret tunnel and then I end up at Worcester Polytechnic Institute at a building that doesn't actually exist there with a bunch of railings that I have to walk on instead of just using the normal walkways and my Uncle Patrick is there for some reason and then I wake up and drink some Pepto-Bismol.

WEEK THREE: Lyon Mountain

Bergman pitches valiantly in game one, but can't stem the tide versus the Miners' potent offense, even despite their loss of Butters to a federal grand jury appearance. The offense doesn't help much either. A hurricane passes through but Lyon Mountain insists on continuing to play because they're winning. Dave pitches game two, whining constantly about the fact that he has to do so, and winds up with a win, as he and Bordeau decide to actually start hitting the ball a little bit. Lenny Duquette's officiating throughout the day is...true to form. I miss much of the game two action because it's really cold so I hang out with Dana and her sister in her car. She needs to clean out her back seat. Split.

WEEK FOUR: @ Tupper Lake

Tupper Lake should be moved to Clinton County. Eric Marshall and I get to sit at a table and look very official with our scorebook. Donny Coolidge hits a ball 585 feet into the fenceless treeline in left and is, after some discussion, awarded a homerun. Bergman continues to play second base, but Marshall and I are too busy comparing sunburns to pay much attention to that particular lunacy. Dave complains his way to another win, completing another 'Hens sweep. Tupper Lake should be moved to Clinton County.

WEEK FIVE: Plattsburgh

Bergman gets roughed up a little, unhelped by the swirling winds at Mudhens Stadium. Tom Neale throws pretty hard, but he's still no big deal. Nonetheless, the Cardinals take game one. The 'Hens respond by hitting the living crap out of the ball in game two. Davidson hits two dingers in support of his reluctant mound performance, while Donny Coolidge goes 19 for 20 or something ridiculous like that. I get the last stray hotdog after the game, completing a satisfying afternoon.

WEEK SIX: @ Loreman's

Peru High School has the worst field in the North Country. The infield is mud. The grass is knee-high. The dugout doesn't have a counterpart down the first base line. All of this, however, is overshadowed by staggering news: I'm given the job of official scorekeeper. Also, Dan Hoffman returns for the summer. Bergman and Hoffman combine for 7 hits and 1 earned run over 14 innings. The umpires' strikezones are about on par with the conditions of the field, but the Mudhens earn the sweep, regardless.

Well OK, I guess that brings everyone up to speed. The 'Hens are playing some damn fine ball, and they keep picking up weapons as the season progresses. We've still got months until a potential CVBL World Championship, but the murmurs among the fowl faithful are already more than in evidence: this just might be the year. For now, however, it's time to concentrate on next week, which provides an unknown quantity in the form of John "Coryer" Coryer's new Hockey Plus squad. It's a big weekend, and who knows, there's always a chance it might not rain, so we'll see you there, gang. Go 'Hens.