I am so damn sick of MYSELF. You ever feel like you want to escape, but the person you most want to get away from is you? I feel like that today. I feel like that a lot. I think that moving will make it better, I think that having Lisa around will make it better, but in reality what's either going to do? Moving, I'm still stuck with my pitiful self, and Lisa here then she's just stuck with my pitiful self to. I have this block in my mind where social interation is supposed to be which means I suck at being around people, friends, family, strangers, you name I suck at it, which also means doing something to put myself at the mercy of someone else, ie. resume giving where my whole ability and chance at a job boils down to what is said on a piece of paper in which there is no space to add flare with pretty little words I might come up with because they're all set to some standard form and look the same as the last fifty resumes that these people have to look through, I suck at that to, more so than other times, in fact I can't even get myself to do it, nope just walk on by the stupid stores telling my stupid self to take in a stupid resume and still I walk on to do the same thing passed the next stupid store. I took fifteen resumes to the mall today and then I brought home all of fifteen, not once entering a store to take one in. Fuck, am I really this incapable? I would have to say, YES. If I can just throw my resume in the mail, dash it off as a fax, email it out, I'm cool, I got no problems there for the most part, but having to go into a store and physically hand it to someone I can't. Even when I am in desperate need of a full time job so I can pay my rent, bills, and stuff and have money in the bank when Lisa comes I still can't do it. Even when I risk having to move back home, loosing more time with Lisa, and who knows what would happen with her moving here after that, I still fucking can't do it. What's wrong with me? I feel so stupid for not being able to do something that should be so simple, I feel so inadequate when I manage to get a few resumes out and no body wants me. I'm not cut out for being around people. The only time I feel I'm not half bad at interacting with someone else is when I'm with Lisa. Maybe if I was in love with everybody and listened to my heart I would be better all around. But I think inflicting myself on one person is enough. Don't you?
When I was applying for the writing program that I finished last year, I had to write a personal essay so they could get a feel for who I was. This is part of it...
...I became closed off from those around me. Public speaking had never been my strong suit, but since grade eight even just casual chatting with friends had become a struggle. Plucked from the small, simple life at elementary, I found myself submerged in an unfamiliar world surrounded by unfamiliar people. I felt so alone. I had lost a lot of confidence in myself and believed that everyone around me was laughing and joking at my expense. It was then that I began to build up a protective barrier fronted by sarcasm. After nearly two years, I turned to writing. Through my writing I was able to express myself without feeling self-conscious or worrying about the consequences. I had found my way of communicating again.
Creating characters and making my thoughts their thoughts enabled me to freely express my emotions. Happy or sad, lonely or scared, I no longer worried about what others would think...I no longer felt alone in my writing and began to enjoy the time behind my man-made barrier...It is now my dream to become a screenwriter...I hope to learn how to turn this dream into a career. Perhaps then, I will be able to use my pen as a sword instead of a shield...Since I became quiet I have been afraid to change anything about myself due to the fear of what others would think.... The end.
I still feel the same today. I feel alone where I am only now the unfamiliar world is a lot bigger with a lot more unfamiliar faces floating around. Even those of my friends, I feel apart from, like I don't belong with them and hence never do anything with them. And shamefully ignore them half the time because they can get along just fine without me tromping in with my silent demeanor. I'm a nobody when I'm around people, no one can tell if I'm happy or upset cause I keep the same face on all the time, no one knows what's going through my head when they're sitting across from me in a restaurant and I feel at any minute I'm going to burst into tears and they think everything is cool. I'm just there, a body to take up a seat, nothing more and sometimes even less. How long would it take for anyone to notice my absense if I disappeared? Lisa, pretty quickly. My mom maybe a few weeks since she never emails or anything anymore. My friends probably never. My landlord within a month cause the rent is late, lol. I could quite literally disappear though and very few people would ever realize it. Not because they aren't observant, but because unanswered door buzzes can be put off to me being at work or out for a walk, phone calls are very rare but can be put off as voice mail not working, and lack of me calling or going to visit them would be just the same as it is now, it's really quite simple. And in a sea of blurry faces that mean nothing to me, I think I already have disappeared.
I've continued using my writing to shield myself to. If something's wrong I don't talk about it, I'll write about it. If there's something I want to tell Lisa but can't in talking, then I'll write it in an email or in here. It protects me. I don't have to worry as much about what kind of reaction I'll get. Sometimes no reaction at all that I know of, sometimes never a word spoken one way or another, and sometimes nerves have calmed to the point that talking now is okay, because there isn't much new that needs to be added. I hope I can be different, that I can talk face to face about anything to Lisa without any trouble. She's the one person in the world I don't want to be silent with, to shut myself behind some barrier from. She's the one person I feel safe with, that I feel worth something with, that I want to prove myself worthy of, not for her sake, but for mine. And each time that I act the way I did today, when I can't overcome the crap in my head and do something that I have to do, that will help to make things better for me and us, I feel undeserving of her. She tries so hard with such determination and I can't even take resumes around.
I need a job. No joke. I need it right now. I know it, I can look at my bank account and my work schedule to see the proof of it. I can look at the amount I own my mom and see further proof of it. And I can tell myself in the near comfort of my apartment that I need a job and today I'll take a resume to all these places since they should be hiring summer help soon. I can print off a bunch of resumes. I can look them over thinking it makes me sound pretty good. I'd hire me. I can walk the twenty minutes, resumes in hand, confident of where I'm going and what I'm doing. But I loose it all the minute I get there and actually have to do it. I walked by some stores three frickin times today telling myself this time I have to go in, and no once did I get my feet going in the right direction. And I don't know what to do anymore to give myself the undaunted motivation I need to do it without backing out repeatedly. I have tonnes on my plate that should be more than enough, but in the end I'm sorry to say the rubble in my head wins out. And it shouldn't damnit, it shouldn't.
I'm so sick of this. |
