Hi hi, I finally wrote for a few hours today, I think about five in all, on the story I started MONTHS ago for Lisa. This was my first real attempt at writing in quite a long time. Though I have been doing pretty good with poems, not to say that means I have a stack of new ones, or even that I've done one a day which had become my goal. But I've a few news ones that I think are pretty good and it's writing so I'm happy. Today's writing though wasn't really anything new, more of a rewrite that did include some new elements, but it's a step and any step in the writing direction I've learned to be happy with. I'm not exactly sure what I'm here to write about, I've been meaning to update pretty well since the day after the last entry, but I haven't had much to say, or at least anything that I wanted to talk about here. Usually my silence here means one of two things:
1. Everything is going alright in my life and so I have nothing I really need to get off my chest or clear my head of. Small things may arise but I take care of them in different ways. And telling you the less than exciting details of my everyday life, well I figure you can do without those. Though maybe if I talked more often about little things like that, I would be more open to listening to others do the same. I'm not against people making small talk or discussing simple seeming things, but I won't deny that I don't quite follow the reason for such talk all of the time. I've just spent so long in silence when I felt I couldn't talk about the most important things to me, that talking now about what isn't so important to me I don't see a point to. I think Lisa is right in calling me narrow visioned when it comes to this. I see big things in life, things that, to me, seem really important, and I see small things that, to me, don't seem all that important, I'm not sure if there is a middle ground. Lately, I've found myself looking for the meaning in everything I read and everything I see. If I watch a movie, and granted it can be a good movie, I'll wonder what the point in making it was if I don't see some deeper meaning to it, something to learn from it or that makes me really think. If it's just a story and all I see is a beginning, middle, and end but no purpose I feel slightly jipped in my time. Not that my time is of a limited amount and not that I feel jipped when I'm with someone that talks about such things. I think some of my "meaning seeking" is because for the past little while now I've been opening my eyes to what is important in my life and what things aren't the huge ordeal I've made them out to be. As for my lack of idle conversation in general, I think part is due to letting my insecuries stunt my growth socially and part is just due to my inability to think of things to say. People might think I'm quiet because I'm too shy to say what is on my mind, but honestly if I try thinking of something to say that at all relates to the current conversation I come up with a blank. I'm a lot better at talking in written word than I am vocally.
Now after all that speal, just to remind you, that started in telling you one of the reasons I may not update, now the other:
2. Something has really gotten to me that I want to talk about but don't quite know how and whether here would be the best place to bring it up. Usually that just comes out in my paper diary and what I feel about whatever it is keeps a place in my mind that continues to pop up now and then to remind me it's still there. Usually these are the things I feel helpless towards but don't talk about here because, even in my own diary, since it's open to anyone that comes across it and the few people I know directly that have at times come here, somethings aren't meant for public knowledge, even that of strangers that have only been kind in what I've heard from them. There aren't too many of this kind of thing, but there are some and when they are what is on my mind, an update here is out of the question for me.
I know this still isn't much of an update for you, just an excuse for not updating really, so I will see what else I can ramble on about. That's another thing, I'm good, or bad as you might see it, at rambling in written word, but anything I do say verbally is usually short and to the point (hmm, there's that point thing again) no rambling for this cannucky fried chicky, lol. I went to the video rental store today looking for some good lesbian movies to get because I was in the mood for some nice girl loving and I don't mean I wanted to see sex, sex, and more sex, no there is more in this little mind of mine than that, but a sweet kiss or two between gurls and a happy ending I was in the mood for. So anyway, I get to the store, do my ritual of taking FOREVER to find something, even when I had movies in mind before I even left my place and what do I discover, I can only find one that I wanted to see, the others weren't there and the few remaing les ones, after a mighty search of the drama section, I didn't really care to watch. So then I took longer still to find some straight ones I wouldn't mind seeing.
Coming home I came to a conclusion. I NEED TO OPEN A STORE FOR THE ALTERNATIVE SOUL in this little town of 80, 000 people in which I reside. It's ridiculous. Even though I don't see the gay and lesbian population on the streets as I do the straight side, ie. holding hands, kissing, etc. there is a large number of us here, so I've been told, but there is nothing here for us. In total of the two video rental stores that I go to (there are more, these are just within walking distance) there is probably a wopping twenty homosexual movies, that includes both gay and lesbian, in which the main characters are one or the other. The one six screen theatre that we have here does not play any alternative movies as far as my knowledge goes, nor does the drive-in. I can not find any gay or lesbian magazines in the stores, though I'm not sure of many titles, none stand out as such, as for finding books in the library there are actually quite a few but not nearly enough, I think I've probably read most of them. There are no places that I've come across that sell merchandise directed toward homosexuals such as t-shirts and gay pride items. And we have barely been recognized by the Major of our city, for three years proclaiming gay pride days was refused and last year a small step was taken but there was so much revolving around it and protest to calling it "gay" pride but rather something that included all sexual orientations, I'm not so sure it was really worth it.
I don't want to sound like I'm against heterosexuals, pretty well all my friends are straight, but I don't really believe there can be something called straight pride. Gay pride, in my mind, is about overcoming the obstacles of coming out and finding acceptance in others and yourself in order to be yourself and to be able to hold your head high in the face of discrimination. What then would straight pride be? From birth everyone is accepted as straight and raised with the people around them believing in one sexuality. If in later years the child, or teen, or adult remains in this category, they get married, have kids, or they don't get married, don't have kids, or a mix, but in relation to their sexuality what obstacles have they had to over come to be themselves? Where as gay people can find this unbelievable love and be thought sick because of it, we may want to marry but are told we will make a mockery of marriage and the government won't allow us to join our lives under the eye of the law, we may wish to have kids but can only do so legally by artificial insemination and adoption of unrelated children to either partner is next to impossible. And still after all that we can smile and hold our heads high and let love fill our hearts, I would say we have something to really be proud of and to show to the heterosexual community to tell them we can't be knocked down or made into perverted people just because we are different. But, alas, I have come to the end of my tangent and shall now return to my original topic.
We need an alternative store in this town, I think it would become very popular, very quickly because there would be no competion for customers. I know the feelings I have living here, like I'm the only one there is and there is no place for me to go, there are organizations, but I want homosexuality to be on the streets and not behind doors and walls. I feel alone here, sheltered from what is in my own heart because I have yet to see anything at all of the lesbian persuasion off screen and out of books. And yet I am head over heels in love with an amazing gurl that I want to spend my life with. This town and it's small mindedness has been sucessfull in making homosexuality a taboo to me or something to be ashamed of, if anything it's made me prouder and stronger to know my own heart when I know no one else quite like me. Someday maybe I will open that store and other people just coming into their sexuality will feel at home here. Someday maybe I will write the book that will end homophobia for good. Someday maybe I wil be God! Hmm, you think that last one was a bit too far?
Well, that I think has made up a bit for my silence so chow my dear reader. I'll try to keep this updated better for you, I know how your stomach flutters at the thought of more of my rantings to read;) |
