It seems many of my past entries have been about negative feelings, depression and all that, so I figured today I would try to change that. I really can write without complaining. I'm not exactly sure what to write about though, so bear with me. The obvious thing, if I were to write about feelings and wanting it to be uplifting would be love. I could probably fill a hundred pages once I got going, I'm sure I would repeat myself a lot though. The english language just doesn't have enough words to explain what is in my heart. There's love and attachment, endearment, affection, adoration, liking, devotion, warmth, tenderness, friendliness, worshiping, cherishing, fondness, and many more but my heart's not a dictionary and finding the words to say everything to the full depth of what I feel, well it's impossible to say the least. It's amazing though, the feelings that people can have for eachother and the things that happen that really bring out your true feelings. As you go along you might say you love someone, but have fleeting questions of how deep that feeling goes because you don't really feel all that different than you did before. Happier, yes. More content, yes. But the way it is in the movies isn't the same in real life. But yet you don't doubt your love. You're just shown on occassion how much you truly do love someone when something does, or could, or had the possibility of happening. When you see that love doesn't make people immortal you start to cherish it and the person a lot more, not to say they weren't cherished to begin with.
Each day I waste so much of my time, not doing things because I don't feel like it and because I know I won't be doing anything tomorrow so I can put something off today to give me something to do later. Which usually just continues in that way, things not being done cause I'll do it tomorrow, but tomorrow just remains a day ahead. I doubt I'll change my way of doing that any time soon, but there is one thing I don't want and won't let be treated in that way and that is love. Love can grow without a word, it can be pushed aside, denied, used, abused, and trampled and it can stay strong through many things, but one thing it does need is assurance, acknowledgment and affection when you want it to be real and staying strong long past what it can endure silently. You can love someone more than anything or anyone else but if you don't say it or show it, how long can the love remain unscarred or with the other person having such strong feelings back if you never say how you feel? Not long would be my guess. All I know is I want you (as you're pretty much the only one that reads these sweety so I'll write directly to you) to know everyday that I love you with all my heart and soul and there will never be another for me. If a day goes by and I don't tell you I love you, it's because my heart has lost its words and is beating your name instead.
Suddenly I am really tired, writing without complaining is taking it out of me I think. I'm better at just letting my thoughts boil out when I'm upset them when I am happy and trying to write so what I say makes sense or at least partial sense. I want to go to bed, but I also don't. Happy or not, I still dread going to bed and knowing I will be alone again. You aren't in my arms, you aren't in my sight, you're way across the ocean doing whatever it is you're doing right now and I just want you sleeping beside me. I know it will happen soon though and all this time waiting will be well worth everything, a kiss, a smile, a laugh, your blue eyes. God, how much I want to look in your eyes. Mmmm, ok I better get going, before I either get carried away in my writing, I'll save that for later, or before I make myself miss you more. It's time I go bedibye. I love you. |
