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| Random thoughts and daily life some entries have been taken from various diaries of mine |
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| running like im being chased...crashing...thrashing... is it you that i hide from... a whisper in the dark, a phantom in my heart...disillusion ...miscontrussion... no, not you... you i need, you i run to but where...why...i know why...a word, a feeling...is it more..... yes, it's more... it's all... it's everything... why do i run when i'm already lost...i'm not running, i'm not moving, not doing, not seeing... i'm drowning... i like the feeling, ......no not the feeling, the fantasy, the peace of nothingness...... stop... what's wrong with me...why am i doing this...i used to be normal..... what the fuck is normal...normal is just a word, just letters, just a game.... i don't want to play...i want to hide...let darkness swallow me fall...stumble...be caught be taught ...where am i, who am i, why am i, why are you... don't you see me...see who i am...you don't want me...i'm not the one... you need better...you deserve better i'm sorry... ...i don't know what's happening...inside inside inside my head's not right...my heart is my heart knows i want this, not this, no, i want you...always...but somethings wrong with me... no ambition... no energy... no life...i need you too much...i'm not right without you...i hurt ...inside...i cant stop it...make it go away...you stay i know...love love is the word, the letters, not nothing everything..... will i change...will this stop...will i find myself again... i'm lost, not lost...i'm running, not running...i'm...i'm...something, what...WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! this isn't right...i'm not right...my head ...tired tired of being me, of being this...of being... don't let me fall...hold me...that's all i need...your arms...your heart your smile am i depressed...cronic...maniac...clinical...temporary...permanent maybe...something do you know...you don't know...what i'm like...alone...inside... sleep... wake... hurt a little more...why i know where i'm going... i think...possibly...maybe...i hate that word... unknown spills forth...dark...light...who am i where am i why the fuck am i...me me ME are you sure you want me...the only me that i can be...yes...no...yes my head hurts...too much i have weakness...i am weakness....... ...it hurts it hurts... ...it hurts...hold me, please...i beg you...don't stop tell me it'll be alright...tell me i'm not going crazy...tell me i'm that fucked up word normal... what's wrong with me ...nothing...nothing...NOTHING is fucking wrong with me so lay off my fucking back... sorry...not you...never you...me...the voice...my head..... god my head hurts...not god as in GOD...supreme being...loves all...tortures all... ...god as in... as in...something else...down there maybe...why can't i cry i want to cry... i think i need to cry...not cause my head hurts... ....cause my soul hurts... it hurts i'm tired of this...feeling this everyday...wondering about my sanity... ...thinking i need a shrink... pretending to be n...o...r...m...a...l... head shrinker...head hunter... how are you...i'm good...not bad...pretty good...ok...fine...fucked in the head that i wonder if i should call the men in the white suits with the white jacket to take me to the padded white room alone always alone...never alone...my heart...my angel.... don't hate me cause you're beautiful... don't hate me cause sometimes...sometimes...i don't know anymore... i dont know...me...you...us... ...please...i love you...i'll never stop...not when i'm alone...not when i'm in the padded room... not when my head is being shrunk you can blow it back up...revive me...a kiss...... your lips...your eyes...your hands...you i'm fine...tomorrow...i'm normal today...my head hurts.... today...i look for symptoms...fatigue...lack of appetite...lack of interest in what once interested me...no enery... maybe i am depressed save me, from me...thinking makes it worse.... i'm gone...this is the end...not of me...not of us...just of words...these words...................letters.......................nothing.........................nothing........ N...O...T...H...I...N...G iloveyou...please never doubt that no matter what i say, no matter what i do, no matter how i get...please never forget it...three words...eight letters...everything...my heart...my soul... i'm sorry, i'm so unsure of me |
| ask me how i am...fine...ok...not bad...i can never quite tell you |
| 2002-10-01 - 9:15 p.m. |