What will it be like? Her being here by my side day in and day out; her voice dancing in my ears with a sweet, soft accented tone; her warm breath caressing my cheek in our closeness; her eyes on me seeing my vulnerability and insecurity? What will it be like to no longer have computers and internet impeding us or forcing a prolongued and oft delicious foreplay on us? She will be here in my apartment that will be ours and in my bedroom that will be ours. She will no longer be out of reach but instead will be there when I go to sleep and there still when I wake up. I will be able to turn to her in the night and without opening my eyes, know that she is still there because I feel her body against mine, her warmth surrounding me, her breath on my face. I will be able to leave the apartment alone and go to work or pick up some groceries or something for her and come home knowing I will see her loving smile and feel her lips against mine each day. We will be able to walk down the street side by side, holding hands and talking of everything and nothing, and feeling eyes perhaps proud, perhaps unsure, perhaps hateful fall upon us for our open love of each other. Will I be so open as I want to be? Taking her hand in public, kissing her when others are watching, ignoring the small minded people and caring not what anyone thinks? I hope to, but I may not be so brave. Brave to hold hands! It should not be that way. I will not let it be that way.
What will it be like having more than words to share between us? To sit with her head against my shoulder or mine against hers; to stand with her in my arms as we dance to silent songs; to lay with her body on mine and our mutual desire obvious? Will she really love my body as she says she does; find in me the person that I am online as I am different off; find safety in my arms and trust that I will always stay true to her? I am nervous about what our future holds, of the immediate future, of that first minute when we stand face to face and are unsure and timid with each other, when we start slow again to build a trust in person that we already have online, when we take our first steps to be more than verbal with each other. I am also anxious and look forward to our future, to the nervousness and timid steps, to slow moves towards each other and the worry that something could go wrong, to the shear vulnerability of her seeing me with nerves clutching my stomach in a frenzy of butterflies, my tongue tied in knots as I fumble for the right words to say to her, and as I open myself to her in heart, body, mind, and soul all equally defenseless.
It will be so great when we are together and no nerves, insecurities, or anything else will keep us for too long from doing what we want, whether public or private. I know I just worry because I have never been in love before and everything to do with love I am new at and will be learning with her. Our first time making love will be my first time and though I know whatever happens it wont matter because she loves me, I think it's that which makes me more nervous. Not that I would, but I think if I just went out and slept with some stranger for my first time I wouldn't be anywhere near to what I am and will be with her, because they don't love me and whether I touch them in the right way or give them pleasure wouldn't really matter so much to me, I wouldn't see them again and I wouldn't be planning to spend my life with them. But with her, she does love me and I do want to touch her right and give her pleasure and just make it last for her because I want to be the cause of her feeling such satisfaction and elation. We've talked of our marriage, kids, and goals for the future. We have a life we want together and a life we will have together, I want to live so many years together that when we are old and grey and have one foot in the grave we keep living for just one more day together, just one more. It's because I want so much with her that somethings keep my nerves working overtime hoping for perfection and no chance of disappointing her in anyway.
******
She came to me in a dream so real I know not if I was awake or asleep, yet she did not kiss me nor douse the fires of my burning sex with her touch. I did not even see the beauty of her too much was she for my eyes to take in, but she was there in a form more true than that of shape and size and with a touch more striking than skin upon skin or lip upon lip. She lay beside me in my bed, I felt her there on me and in me, filling my senses, taking from me and giving to me. Still she did not touch me. Still I could not see her. She was there, her glorious form next to mine, our twin desires growing as each breath came faster than the last, her moans escaping lips I wished to kiss but knew not how. I could feel her turn to me, her eyes as deep as the ocean looking at me, skimming the surface of my body with waves of love, flowing deeper within me catching the tidal that was building inside, ready to crash. My eyes were closed, her warm breath dancing through my eyelashes and over my parted lips. She leaned over me, compacting the air between us, pressing it heavily on my chest, forcing my lungs to empty. I revelled in the sudden breathlessness, in the moment of emptiness so full of desire I forgot my need for air and did not breathe again till morning. Her essense filled my lungs and gave me life till dawn. The sweet pungancy of our mingled need enveloped us, our exposed wetness cool against our thighs in the night air. Guiding me without a touch, she moved my hand to cover the soft, bare flesh between my trembling thighs, cupping hard as if to stop the sudden rush of nectar slipping out between my fingers, coating my hand in a sticky mess. Her moans came faster, matching the rhythm of my convulsing muscles. My eyes shut tighter, listening to her sounds, knowing she was feeling inside her the deep and long awaited release that I was feeling, our bodies melding into one without a touch, without a look. Long afterwards, we lay there side by side, contented smiles softening our features, not touching, not seeing. I awoke later, unsure of when I had fallen asleep or when if fact I had been awake, but I remained where I was, eyes closed against the light of the dawn, remembering how she had come to me in a dream so real I knew not if I was awake or asleep. |
