Back into the darkness I fall. Grimmy little scortching hands reach out and wrap their filth around me, pulling me further and further in. Pain, like little razor sharp claws hook into my flesh, into my heart, pulling and tearing, my blood spilling forth like a fountain staining the ground at my feet. Just more darkness in this already dark world. I'm alone, lost. Feeling as each claw spears me that it can't get any worse. I'm wrong. The pain just keeps coming, building to its final climax that I am too weak for. I crumble, collapse, feel my own demise weighing heavily on my sagging shoulders. This pain is limitless, this hurt beyond comprehension. My whole body aches, my muscles tense. My throat is tight and tears are close, but the pain just wont let them come. I have no strength to cry, no will to stop. I just want this to end. When will it end?
In this dreary world there is only one saviour, one being that keeps this darkness from completely and irreversibly taking me over. A light, a tiny flicker incapable of being missed as it resides in my heart, guides my way, protects me from sudden death. Pain and love. Love and pain. Surly they are one and the same. They must be, as it is the love in my heart that throws me realing into the dark. But it is the love in my soul that doesn't let the darkness devour me whole. My heart breaks each day, often several times. My soul weeps a constant flood of tears. All for that one simple touch, one simple word, one simple look. One simple thing that is anything but simple, anything but painless. Love. My love. Her love. Our love. It's perfect in its imperfection, sweet in its sourness. Is it possible to be lost when you know exactly where you are? Is it possible to be engulfed in light when you are shrouded by darkness? I don't know. I just don't know. I know love and pain.
Love is sweet, gentle, perfect, powerful, overwhelming, amazing, devine, and unconditional.
Pain is wicked, wild, dangerous, excruciating, and seemingly neverending.
Love brings pain. Where love heals, pain makes new cuts. Where love lights the soul, pain blackens it. Where love holds you in her sweet arms, pain rips you from her embrace. Where love makes you smile, pain makes you cry. I feel love. A love like no other. A love so amazing, so true that I welcome the pain so I can be sure the love is there to. Depression is my enemy, but is spawned by my friend and adopted by my heart. I know love and pain. I know love and pain. I know love and pain.
I want the pain to leave me alone. I want the darkness to lift and reveal the rising sun that is my love. I want to feel her arms around me and not be afraid that I will be taken from her embrace. I want everything and nothing. I just want my gurl here with me. I don't want to hurt from missing her, feel the darkness cause I'm not with her. I think I'm going crazy from this.
Nine months, twelve days. Forty one weeks. Two hundred eighty six days. Six thousand, eight hundred, sixty four hours. Four hundred, eleven thousand, eight hundred forty minutes. Twenty four million, seven hundred ten thousand, four hundred seconds. All this equals one thing. I love my gurl and miss my gurl so much any time at all is too long to be so far from her. I didn't think I could feel so much and love so much and hurt so much all at the same time and all for the same reason. Why does love have to hurt? Will it keep hurting when we're together?
I'm scared. What if we have waited so long and felt this pain for so long and then our love ends? I want to be with her forever, but love sometimes ends. Even the people you think are going to be together always, sometimes aren't. What if that becomes us for some reason? What if she leaves her home, her friends, her life there to come here to be with me and it just all ends? All I see right now is us fifty, sixty, seventy years down the road still so much in love, married with kids and grandkids. A house we built and a life together that has seen so many things and made so many memories that our love will be immortal. But who doesn't see that when they're in love? No one sees the end or thinks it will come, because you prey that it never will. I don't know what I would do with myself if we didn't make it. I don't want to find out. My heart hurts enough as it is already and that is with love bursting from me, take away the love and I'll just be bursting.
Baby I love you so much more than those three words can say. I hate the darkness more than I can express. |
