I'm rather depressed today and feeling something that I shouldn't be and don't want to be feeling. I asked a question I shouldn't have and got an answer that I both wanted and didn't and now knowing has kind of made me feel this that I have no right to be feeling and no need to be feeling because it doesn't matter. It didn't matter before my question and it doesn't matter now it's just made me feel something about it that I wasn't feeling before. And I'm sorry. Sorry for asking and wanting another answer. Sorry for asking and getting the answer that should be the only answer. What I said after I really did mean. I just...well, I don't know. I just should have left it where it was and not asked.
I feel bad for feeling what I'm feeling and you probably thinking everything is fine with me and honestly it is. I knew before and it didn't bother me then, there's no point to it meaning anything to me as it was before and I still feel that way. I'm just being stupid right now. I think this is more because I don't want to be where I am anymore. I want to be there and being down about that just brought this on when, if I wasn't down before the question it wouldn't have made me feel this. At least I'm pretty sure of that. I was fine before, happy I mean, but being sad and depressed just hits me sometimes as it did today and then I asked and that just didn't do my frame of mind any good. Writing this isn't helping either. It's bringing me too close to tears, not because of the answer and how I feel about that, just because I hate being here and I can't do anything about it.
All the wanting, wishing and tears don't do a thing to change any of this but that's all I can do. I got no money and soon will probably be moving back home:( NOT the place I have in mind to be moving to. And I have too many things going through my head of where I want to be, what I want to be doing that this frustration and depression comes when all that stuff is securily locked inside my head in fantasy instead of held within my grasp in reality. In the beginning my depression was gone because I finally found what I had been looking for and it made me so happy. I no longer had reason to be down about not having it. But now my depression is back because I do have it but I don't have it like I want it. I think this is even worse than not having it, because now it's there. It is right there and the reality is there. It isn't just a desire anymore, it's my life. But it's also not here, only the first taste of it is. A taste that can and has sustained me for a long time, but a taste that makes me hungry for more sooner rather than later.The way it is though, it's out of my hands and a lot is left to faith, belief and time. I didn't think something so perfect could hurt this much.
I don't want to hurt anymore or have answers adding to the hurt just because everything is painful now. I don't regret anything, never have, never will and how things happened and what happened I wouldn't change either because it was that, that made the good, the great of today. It's just that I know it's great and I know it will only get better and I am so ready for the better to come now instead of having to wait any longer and continuing to be depressed so much. It makes me so tired that all I want to do is sleep and I give into that a lot. At least in sleep I don't have to think, or feel, or cry, or want, I just have to close my eyes and get through all the images and thoughts that come letting me make them how I want them before sweet slumber takes me away from it all. Sometimes I just want to and need to be away from it all. Even the greatness.
If I can let the great go for a few minutes, the hurt usually goes to. I can't concentrate otherwise. I know the hurt is completely worth everything I have but when can I just have my life with smiles and laughter instead of tears and the childish need of a stuffed animal held tight in my arms or a bib in my hand? I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My life is almost complete. I am almost complete. But I can't be whole yet when what is so perfect in my life is also making me, at times, hate my life. Maybe I shouldn't say that but it's the truth. I want it the same but I want it different. I wouldn't change anything but I would change everything. I'm so happy but I'm so sad. It feels like I have been wrapped up in this my entire life and I guess in a way I have. The wanting and not having and now the having and just tasting, it just keeps getting harder.
I have so many goals in my life, most of which having to do with after I have more than just a taste. It's like my life has been put on hold until then and right now I'm just wasting time anyway I can until then. Even goals I can work on that aren't part of it have sort of been pushed aside by this. It's all my mind can think about. I can't do anything else but I need to. I need a way to just stop and a minute here or there isn't enough to accomplish anything. How do I turn my brain off? A couple weeks ago I thought I finally had taken a step towards a goal. One night I made a committment to myself that I was going to make my future instead of letting my future make me. My way to do that was to write, even if I didn't know what to write I was going to. That way I could work towards my career and financial future which would help later to make other goals possible. My "epiphany" lasted all of three days and I haven't really looked back since. I've been too busy looking ahead, far ahead to a future and a life that I have absolutely no idea when it will come. Sometimes it seems like it never will and that's when it hurts the most. Who is playing such a wicked game? and why?
Maybe this is all unrealistic, this future that I am waiting for, maybe it's too rash, too unpredictable, too much to ask or even hope for, but I really don't think so. Even if it is, I'm not about to change it now or want for something else. This is what I have wanted all my life, the pain and depression couldn't change that for anything. And underneath it all I am happier than I have ever been. The depression is a symptom of that. I love this feeling so much I'm down when I can't have more of it yet.
I'm not at all in this frame of mind, so don't worry about me going and doing something, but I can see why some people commit suicide when they loose their love. Suicide isn't the answer, but I can understand how love can be so powerful and a lost love so devastating that some people see it as the only way to end their pain. Sometimes you just want the pain to end so much that you don't see that eventually it will end on it's own.
Well now that I have nearly written my way out of my depression for the moment, maybe I will end there...I love you Lisa. Whatever I say here or anywhere else, you know that I do and that will never change. |
