I hate how my mood can just change at the drop of a hat, or a word, or nothing at all. I never used to have mood swings. Though, I was pretty much just always depressed and pretending not to be so maybe this is better. But damn I hate this. How does it just come on like it does? When I'm like this every little annoying, frustrating thing takes me to the brink of destruction, usually the destrucion or desire for destruction of my computer. I'm not sure if I need it more than I hate it or if I hate it more than I need it. I think it would be so much easier to live in the middle of nowhere away from so much of the bull shit of today. Everyone is full of it. I'm full of it. I BS my way through probably more than half my life, believing only some of what I say. I can make up good sounding advice or thoughts pretty easily if I'm writing, but to make myself believe myself what I try to get others to see and believe, I'm a fraud.
What's the point of even writing these stupid entries, who actually cares that I get depressed or that I feel like bawling my eyes out sometimes but can't? I don't even fucking care, I just write this to get it out of my head and away from me so I can get passed it for the time being and live some semblance of a happy, contented life.
I want to do something. I'm not sure what. Run away, hide away, sleep the day away, scream, cry, shout, hit something, break something, destroy something, disappear, dissolve, morph. What would it be like to just wish you were something else and then become it, or wish you were somewhere else and then be there, or wish for something and have it. I wish...for change, for bravery, for confidence, for understanding, for happiness, for togetherness, for the future, for her, for us, for the end of depression, for the end of sadness, for the end of lonliness, for smiles, for laughter, for hugs, for kisses, for assurance, for knowledge, for selfesteem, for strength, for courage, for daringness, for success, for words, for peace, for love, for joy, for silence, for babies, for family, for pride...
Time to go off to lala land where wishes come true in my dreams. Love you gurl. |
