I'm jealous. I don't like being jealous. I'm frustrated. I don't like being frustrated. And a damn little mosquito keeps on trying to bite me and then flys off just as I smack myself to kill it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Okay, jealousy. Definately not one of the prettiest of feelings. It makes your mind go a hundred miles an hour and your heart cringe at what/who you are jealous of. Today I'm jealous of anyone who is with their lover, talking to their lover, eating with their lover, sitting with their lover, looking at their lover, touching their lover, kissing their lover, absolulely anyone who is with the person they love. Same room, same house, same city, same COUNTRY!!!! I think if you cut me open right now you would see my heart has turned green along with my blood. Ain't the J word fun? Lisa's still there and I'm still here, no closer except in our hearts. Close enough to make the distance bareable as we look to the future and see us together and close enough that we miss each other constantly whether we are talking or not. I have never felt so empty and yet so complete. Is it really so much to ask to be able to wake up and have my love sleeping beside me, or to be able to reach out and brush her hair from her eyes? Even just to have her computer cooperating so we at least can chat. Seems we are having all the problems thrown at us in the beginning that could keep us apart and when we get through this, whatever else comes our way we will have no trouble getting through as we will actually be together through it and not only together through it with words. But words are beauty and a simple word can mean more than any extravegant act. A poem from your heart is worth more to me than anything purchased at a store or displayed infront of friends, family, or strangers.
Yesterday I saw a guy in a car with his hand on his girlfriend's shoulder as they drove by. I want to be able to do that. Just to reach out and put my hand on Lisa's arm when the desire strikes. Today I read a diary where a girl talked about meeting her girlfriend for her lunch break. I want to be able to do that to. Just to meet Lisa for lunch and feast my eyes on her rather than my stomach on the sandwich in hand. I wanna be with my baby and too much is keeping us apart. Fantasies aren't what I want anymore. Dreams aren't enough anymore. Nothing is, but holding her in my arms. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to go outside. And mostly I don't want to talk to or see anyone because they aren't her. Talking to someone else when I want to be talking to her, seeing someone else when I want to be seeing her, it just isn't what my heart wants so I don't even try. No one could do for me in one day, what she does in five minutes. She makes me laugh. She makes me smile. She makes me want to cry when I'm already crying. And then she comes online, as she just did, and makes me a little better and forget what I was just feeling without her even knowing I was feeling that. Shhh, don't tell Lisa, I'm happy happy joy joy now...maybe...babe when you read this don't tell yourself I'm down, okay. I'll be alright just as soon as you are in my arms then I'll never let you go.
And now for frustration. Computers are so annoying. More specifically, Lisa's computer. It keeps taking her away from me and then takes forever for her to be able to come back. I know it is far more frustrating for her as it's her computer but damn I wanna help her see how far she can throw the darn thing. There have been so many conversations suddenly ended in the last few days...@#$% as right now. Gawd I hate computers!!!!!!!!! These stupid things are suppose to be so damn hi-tech and wonderful as they can do so much for us but shit, I am really starting to hate these brainless machines. Some days I think we would have better luck with telepathy. I'm thinking of a number, what is it???? Stupid gawd damn frustrating things. I HATE COMPUTERS I HATE COMPUTERS I HATE COMPUTER come on say it with me I HATE COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Most of all I hate relying on computers for us to be together, having our love wrapped up in phone wires and cable cords, computer screens and error messages. Bugger. And if I hit myself one more time without taking my hand away to find a squashed mosquito on my palm, I swear I am going to go postal.
Okay, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Hmm screw that, I'm just gonna go sulk and mope around and try not to spaz at the stupid mosquito until Lisa's computer willl let her on again so we can chat for a few minutes before she is once more taken from me. Happy happy joy joy, I think not! |
