Seems lately I dont have anything to write about. All my thoughts have just up and left and my mind is blank. I can't write poems, I can't write emails, I can't write a letter in responce to the one against my last one in the paper, I can't write songs though I don't know if I could with or without thoughts. I'm a writer right, supposedly. That's what I tell people anyway. But to be a writer I need to write, would make sense at least. I know when I'm inspired, when I have an idea, when there is a flicker of light in my mind, I can write and I'm not half bad, or is that not half good. Well either way, I have my moments of 'writerishness.' Where those moments have disappeared to is beyond me, literally, I can't reach them anymore. I tried, there was a flicker a few days ago, but that was quickly blown out before much came of it. I don't know what it is, or what I can do. I know why I stopped the novel I was working on. It was good to, I still have ideas for it and hopefully one day I'll be able to pick it up again, but not yet. I don't have real reasons for the rest of my work, or for my lack of work. Hmm procrastination, distraction, boredom, lack of ambition, seeing the future instead of the present. Sounds like the story of my life. I put off living today cause I can live better tomorrow, I get distracted from living by hoping and dreaming instead of just breathing, I get bored of the life I have today cause the life I have tomorrow is sweeter, I lack the ambition to go out and do and see cause there is nothing here that I want to see or do, and the future is full of everything that I want and love where as the present only teases me with the taste. How can I push time ahead so the future is the present and the present is the past? I'm tired of today, I want tomorrow.
I feel really bad. I've had everyone on my msn list blocked for nearly a month now and only talked to one twice, another once, and emailed two once. These are suppose to be my friends and I just dropped out of msn existence. I know one I emailed is getting mad at me and he comes on quite often, each time I think I should talk to him then I decide I'll talk next time, which I never do. I'm a bad friend. But I'm just really tired of always talking to them when they come on and being a therapist for some. I know it's good to talk about your problems and if they feel they can talk to me that's great, but I'm a writer, haha, not a therapist. But by doing this, I'm isolating myself from everyone I talk to but Lisa, that's not very good. I'm fine not talking to people, and am a loner by choice - I think - but they are my friends I shouldn't just stop talking to them like that, when I decide to talk again they might not want to talk to me, which I then couldn't blame them for. What to do, what to do. I still don't want to talk, but my guilt is building up the longer I keep them blocked. I don't want to loose them though. Uggh, I'm tired of today, I want tomorrow. |
