I'm in a really weird mood, real close to being depressed. I just seem to get into these moods for no apparent reason and sometimes it takes forever to get out. And today it's just not happening. I don't know what it is, but I've been like this all day. I woke up late today and came to my computer to find two friends had left messages on MSN. Over night I had the nickname 'will you be my lullaby and rock me all through the night' I had been talking to Lisa when I changed to that name and just left it on overnight. The two friends, both without even saying hi or anything commented about the nick. One saying 'ewww, if your nick means what I think it means' she doesn't know I'm les, and the other saying 'hmm, I can take your nick to mean two things, innocent or not' she knows I'm les and she knows I love Lisa. Both those comments just really got to me and annoyed me for some reason. And actually after that I changed my name to just 'let your heart be my lullaby.' A while later both friends came on again, I was pretending I wasn't around, and again they wrote without saying hi, both laughing that I changed my nick. Which also annoyed me a whole lot. So I've since blocked everyone on my list except Lisa and the only other time I've done that was yesterday and the day before when I left for work, otherwise I've been signed on all the time and only had one person blocked. Now I don't know when I will talk to anyone again. I just want to be left alone, why does no one understand that? Lisa of course I want to talk to, I don't want her to leave me alone.
I read a letter to the editor in the paper today and what the woman said really annoyed me aswell so I actually wrote a responce back and emailed it to the editor, I've never done that before. I've written a few but never sent them and today because of my mood I did. I wrote my mom an email to, which I haven't sent yet cause I want Lisa to read it first. It's about my mom doubting Lisa and me not appreciating that. It's not written angrily like it would have been a few days ago, but it's not my normal writing to my mom either, though that isn't entirely because of my mood, that's just because I don't like what she said about my gurl. No one has a right to doubt her, specially since she knows nothing about her except what I wrote in one email.
Other than that, I've really done nothing today because of my mood, for a while I went through songs to put on a CD for Lisa and they all made me sad and some close to tears. Then I put on a les movie that I love and ten minutes later shut it off cause I just didn't want to watch it. Then I tried to read for a while and I just couldn't get into it. And I went back to the songs but couldn't concentrate on listening to them to hear what they were actually saying. So for a while I sat in the dark with music playing and not hearing it. Then I listened to a voice file from Lisa hoping it would make me feel better cause it's her and it brings her closer to me and it didn't really help, so now I guess this is my last resort. Trying to just get out whatever is in my head so I can feel good again. I don't like feeling like this. Specially when I don't really know why I feel this way.
I'm sad and lonely and depressed and tired and annoyed and frustrated and hurt and helpless and I just wanna crawl up in a ball in bed, throw the covers over my head, and not move until I can feel Lisa's arms around me. I think that is the main reason I feel the way I do. I want to be with Lisa and I am so sick of not being able to. I'm sick of the distance between us. I'm sick of only being able to type to her. I'm sick of wanting to say I love her and only writing it. I'm sick of wanting her in my arms and not having her in my arms. I'm sick of wanting to be there with her or her here with me and only being me here and her there. I'm sick of wanting to talk to her and having to wait until we can both be online together. I'm just sick of it all. This doesn't change anything in my heart and I would never say I can't keep doing this just because it's hard. I would go through feeling this everyday for the rest of my life if I had to just so I can feel the love she gives me and the love I have for her. I just really don't want to have to anymore. When I'm tired I dont want to have to tell her I have to leave, I just want to say come to bed with me. It is so frustrating not being able to do anything to change our situation. I got a job, but it's not even gonna pay my bills let alone give me extra to save to be with her. I don't know what to do. I feel useless and helpless and at times little flashes of hopelessness for us. I don't want to feel that. I don't ever want to loose the hope for us to be together. I want her in my life forever. I want to marry her and raise a family with her and just be with her. I don't want this distance or the doubts of others trying to infest our relationship. It doesn't work, we don't change our feelings for each other because of what is said but I hate completely what is said and how it is said. I don't care if people doubt me, but when they doubt her or her judgement then I care big time. But I can't do a damn thing to stop it, I'm trying to stop it at my end but I can't at hers. I hate this so much.
I want to sleep and I haven't even been up for twelve hours yet, but if I sleep then I can be unconscious and not thinking or feeling. I just want to pass out and wake up in a month or two or maybe next year, just whenever I can wake up to find Lisa sleeping beside me. I wish people hybernated like bears, then time would go much faster.
Have you ever not drank alcohol when you're in certain moods because you think if you do you might start to rely on it to make you feel better until you just can't stop? I feel that way. Right now I have absolutely no trouble not drinking, in fact I rarely do. And usually when I do drink it doesn't taste all that great, but being buzzed or drunk feels good. When I do drink I don't fear I will become an alcoholic, but when I feel the way I feel tonight I do start to wonder that if I drank until I felt better would I do that evertime I feel this way. Honestly, I can't say I wouldn't because I don't know, alcohol is a powerful thing and can ruin lives and I just don't want to risk it. I have some bottles in the fridge right now, they've been there for a while, but everytime I think to have one I'm feeling depressed so I don't let myself take one just in case. I really don't have the money to afford being an alcoholic. I would just much rather get drunk off Lisa.
I guess this made me feel a bit better, maybe I'll go to bed and hope with sleep the rest of this will wear off and tomorrow I can wake up myself again. I love you Lisa, I'll never be sick of saying or feeling that. I love you. |
