A week ago I came out to my mom and it could have been a whole lot worse. She knew from the email I sent that I was gay, actually she asked my sister so she wasn't just thinking it anymore and she also knew about Lisa before I told her. Which now I am happy about her knowing both before hand. It made it a lot easier, though I never actually said the words to her and I wish I did. But I said them directly in a letter I gave her so that was good. She made a few comments I didn't really like or have something to say back about. Somehow she came up with the idea that I don't like people, which I guess was her reasoning for why I don't talk and why I go online and therefore met Lisa online. Partly she is right. It's not that I don't like people, some yeah I don't like, some I hate and have never met before, but there is a reason for each person I feel that towards, but I don't dislike people in general. I just like my space and like to be alone a lot. I feel much more comfortable by myself then with anyone with the exception of Lisa. I love Lisa and want to be with her all the time, but a lot I just want to be alone with her to and still not have anyone else around. That's just the way I work I guess. As for the talking, I'm more comfortable talking through type than through verbal expression, part of my reason for being a writer. I can express myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas through my writing and through my characters a lot better then I can just by talking to someone, again with the exception of Lisa. Haha, I think she is the exception to everything, my talking, my insecurities, my intimidations, my whatever else there is. Which is very good, I am glad that it has worked that way with us.
Something else my mom said that really got me, was that she felt like I had died. What does a gurl say to something like that? And what are you suppose to feel when you're told that and when it is because you are being truthful about who you really are? It feels like you've died because you told the truth, because you are you and aren't hiding it anymore. Hmm, after that I just sat in silence waiting for my friend to come. I had nothing to say to try to make her feel better and wasn't about to try to find anything to say either. Sorry, that may sound heartless, she is my mother, but it hurts a lot to be told something like that, as if it wasn't hard enough to just be myself with her she goes and tells me I'm dead because of it. But that's all passed, that night she emailed and apologized for that comment and knows I'm still me and that she can't imagine what I have gone through. I felt a lot better and happier about coming out to her after that email. And then yesterday she wanted to know about Lisa so I told her somethings, hopefully she will be able to see how good of a person my baby is and what she has done for me. Maybe after she reads it she won't be so down on our internet meeting. I want her to like Lisa so when I take her home to meet my mom it'll be good and no one will be uncomfortable, and I know she will like Lisa once she meets her I just want her to already like her before then. Overall it was a pretty good coming out considering it was my mother and not just another friend. And it will get better as she has more time with it all and asks more questions if she has any.
I got a job yesterday. Finally. I'm not sure if I like it or not, there are good and bad things about it. I work for an inventory service so we travel around western canada doing inventory for stores, usually big stores I think. We get paid for the travel time, put up in hotels when we have to stay the night, and get to travel around instead of being in the same place day after day. The only thing we have to pay for is food. I had training today and I think it will be an easy job, just using the machine thing, but it will be tedious and easy to mess up when we have to enter numbers. It is a rather sporadic job, maybe once a week, I'm not sure, so probably not enough to pay my bills but I'm hoping it will come close. And worst of all it takes me away from Lisa. We have become used to and very fond of talking to each other everyday and when I go out of town I won't be able to talk to her. I'm gonna miss her so much. My first job is on July 2-3, we leave early morning on the second and don't come back till really late on the third, I know that is only two days and we will still probably get to talk right before I leave and right when I get home, but it will still be a long time between conversations. And laying in bed at the hotel, sharing a room with some girl I don't even know, I am going to really miss her.
I know there is no real reason for me to feel this, but I'm going to feel bad sharing a room with some girl that isn't Lisa. We have seperate beds of course, I wouldn't have taken the job if they weren't and they would never do that, but just sharing a room with another girl I won't feel right about that. I don't want to be sleeping with another girl just feet away. I dont want to wake up in the middle of the night and see some other girl sleeping in the next bed. I don't want some other girl to be the last one I see or talk to before bed or the first one I see and talk to in the morning. I just want Lisa. I want to share a room and a bed with Lisa. I want to wake up and see Lisa sleeping beside me. I want Lisa to be the last one at night and the first one in the morning that I see and talk to. And I don't want to leave her for even a few hours just to go sleep let alone two days to work and share a room with a girl that isn't her. I hope none of these trips take more than one night away. If they go any longer I gotta find someplace with the internet so I can atleast email my gurl and read her email. They say absense makes the heart grow fonder, well that may be true but I don't need to be away from her for that to happen. I fall more in love with Lisa everyday. And everyday I miss her, whether we are talking or we are apart, but the further I am away from my computer and my connection to her the farther I feel from her cause then I know I can't just send off a quick email if I want to and I can't see her sweet name come up on my screen when she signs on. And being out of town away from any computer where I could possibly get a connection to her, it is going to feel like my heart is crying constantly and my eyes might join in when I am laying in bed thinking about just her and wondering what she is doing and knowing that if I was home I could be talking to her.
One thing for sure, I can't do this job when Lisa is here. Leaving her when we only have the computer is one thing and is going to really hurt, but leaving her when she is here and is the one I share a room and bed with and is the one I see sleeping beside me at night and is the last and first one I see and talk to, I couldn't leave her to go work and stay in a hotel with someone else. I would miss her so much more and feel ten times worse than I will feel now for sharing a room with someone else.
I think I would really like the job and especially the travel part of it if I could take Lisa with me. I love travelling and enjoy the time sitting in the car just getting to where we are going. I think I have always liked the car rides as much if not more than the actual arrival at the destination. I think the main reason was because I had nothing else to do but let myself drift off to my own little world and no reason not to. No feelings that I should be doing something else cause I couldn't do anything else. No guilt over just sitting there looking out the window and not seeing out the window because a window and outside was all there was. I think to I would absolutely love driving. I would just get in the car and drive all over the place just to relax and get away. I think I would take a lot of day trips to, if only I didn't have some things holding me back from being able to do that. Probably the best way to get over them is to just do it, but I'm not quite to that point yet, though I'm working at getting there. So this job is my kind of job, no 9-5, no doing the same thing day in and day out, always new surroundings, getting to travel, sounds all good to me if only if only if only I could find a way to take Lisa with me. Too bad we didn't travel the world doing inventory and I could go to Australia, then I could quit while I was there and just stay with Lisa till my visa ran out then we could come back here for a bit before going back there.
I need to find a magic lamp so I can get my three wishes. One would be to be spending everyday of my very long life with Lisa by my side starting right now. Two would be for Lisa to be happy and smiling and to never be hurt again in anyway. And three would be to make a difference with my writing so people were more open minded and accepting of differences around the world. I guess I can't wait for a genie to come along and grant my wishes though, I have to make them come true myself and soon they will, the third one may take longer though. I love you Lisa with all my heart, I never want to be away from you. |
