Okay, if my computer had been cooperating earlier, this entry would be a lot different than it is going to be now. I actually had this all pretty much written out with worries galore but now I have a new perspective and have had time to think and relax, so it's all good now. But I'll still say parts of what I was saying before.
I am coming out to my mom tomorrow. I am fully committed with no way to back out, as you all know I would and have found any excuse to let my nerves over rule me. But not this time. The other day I wrote my mom an email and in her reply back she said I sounded down and should go home for a few days. But I knew if I went home I would want to come out and if I didn't I would come back her hating myself and be depressed, as per usual. So I was talking to Lisa about it all, my saving grace I swear, and she suggested I send an email just saying there was something I wanted to talk about, to give my mom a little forwarning. I knew I couldn't say it all through email, but giving forwarning was a really good idea. So I sent the email last night and she replied back today...at the end of this I'll add copies of all emails involved. When I sent the email I wasn't all that nervous because I knew she hadn't read it and so didn't know anything yet, but this morning as I was sitting here my mom wrote back saying she was nervous and what she is thinking it could be is 'very BIG.' So right off I got really nervous, thinking it was a bad idea to send that email and that I gave myself away. But still I wasn't nearly as nervous as I had thought I would be. And plus she said she wants me to be happy above all so even with whatever she is thinking, I think this will all turn out good now. I just wrote her back now saying I will come tomorrow instead of the next day, so now tomorrow is the day. I hope I don't get really nervous and I'll just be able to say exactly what I want to say. I know after I actually get the words out I will be able to talk about it all and answer questions and everything, but to actually get it out it gets stuck on my tongue sometimes. But it'll be just fine and soon I will be soooo incredibly happy I wont know what to do with myself. Though I do know what I would do with myself if Lisa was here. I would celebrate my jumping out of the closet with her and have a night to remember forever...but we'll have a lifetime of those soon.
I talked to Lisa about this, this morning, and I don't know how she does it but she has this amazing ability to just put all my worries at ease and change my perspective to see that I might not have gave myself away and either way all will be fine. And because of her I know that no matter how it goes tomorrow, I will still be happy for doing it and FINALLY being out because I still have her. I want to tell my mom about her tomorrow as well. Even though I know she would have a lot of trouble trusting an online meeting and knowing this about us will probably make her more nervous than not knowing what I want to tell her. But where Lisa is involved it doesn't matter what she thinks, because I know what is in my heart and Lisa's heart, I trust her with my life and I know I can trust her with my heart; how other people see us I don't care. My love for Lisa is too important to me for other people's thoughts to have any baring on us. I can't wait for the day to come when I can introduce Lisa to everyone I know, I know they will all love her when they meet her, including my mom. Anyone that can make me as happy as Lisa has should be welcomed with open arms. Now if she was here with me and I had money to support us, after coming out tomorrow my life would be beyond perfect.
It's amazing, knowing that tomorrow I will be coming out to the hardest person to tell, I am not really all that nervous. Actually right now I'm not nervous at all. I think I am just so ready to do this that everything I usually feel, though it will still be there in the moment, it will just be a nagging feeling and wont hold me back like the times before. And her thinking something big, makes it easier to because for all I know she could be thinking that I am gay and all I have to do is confirm it for her and fill in a few details. As I write this she may already know and is already accepting it. This will probably sound weird, but this is so cool, just to think that only hours from now I will be out to my mom. I have been waiting so long for this and now it is actually going to happen. When I come back here I will be out of the closet, like oh-my-god. There will still be a lot of people left to find out, but to have my mom know I think I can say that is out of the closet, can't I? This is so weird and cool and now I just want tomorrow to hurry up and come so I can get it over with and we can be on the downswing of it all and she can be accepting it and I can be talking about Lisa.
I may write more later if my mom writes me back or as I get closer to actually getting there and doing this. But for now, that is all from me. And here are the three emails so far. Wish me luck tomorrow, though I don't need it, haha, never thought I would be saying that when it came to coming out to my mom. Jeez, cool I tell ya.
Hi Mom,
I've been thinking and, though I can't afford it, I'm gonna come home for a few days. I'll probably just put it on my card and hope to get a job soon so I don't have to worry about it.
I really want to go to Richbar's closing with you and Carleen but there is also something I have been wanting to tell you for quite sometime, so I want to come home and do that aswell. It is something important to me and is a valuable part of my life that I want you to know. I'm not sure how I will tell you, it has taken some courage just for me to do this, but I will see you soon and explain it all. Saying more in here would be inappropriate and I'm sorry for bring it up just to say I can't continue but I wanted to give you at least a little forwarning so that you know there is something I want to talk about instead of me just bringing it up out of nowhere. Though, what I have to say will probably still be unexpected, in telling you this much I hope it will maybe prepare you a little bit...but don't worry I'm not pregnant! haha...this also makes it impossible for me to find excuses not to say anything like I have done so many times already.
I think I will take the bus home tuesday morning and then just show up at the library and I'll come back here maybe thursday or friday. If you read this before I call to say I'm coming home can you just send me a note to say you got my mail. That way I'll just see you on tuesday. I really want you to see this before I come so if I don't hear from you I'll call sunday night and let you know this is here.
I hope I don't have you too worried about what I want to talk about, just thinking a little about what it could be. I'll talk to you soon. Love Kim
Hi, Kim,
I'm really glad that you are coming home. Pay cash for a one way and I'll pay you back and buy your return (or is it cheaper to buy a return ticket now?)--either way I'll pay for it.
You really have me nervous, Kim. One thing has come to mind and it is very BIG. I want you to be happy above everything else. So whatever this is I want to know. Maybe you should come on Monday so we have more time to talk before the dinner at Richbar.
Whatever you decide, let me know. I'll check my mail again tonight and tomorrow morning.
Love, Mom
Hi Mom,
I'm really sorry I have you nervous and that whatever you're thinking is 'very BIG,' whether it is the same or different from what I will tell you, I hope you wont think it is so big afterwards. I dont know if sending that email was the best? though I'm glad I did, I just wanted to give you a little warning so I didn't just come home and unexpectedly say can we talk. I was going to talk to you probably wednesday night so we could just have fun at Richbar but I think I will come tomorrow on the 5:30 bus it should get there around 7:20pm, so we can talk sooner...you're nervous thinking what it could be and I'm nervous knowing what it is. But soon no more nerves.
Thank you for paying my fare, I think it costs the same whether you buy one way or round trip. I'll talk to you soon Mom. Love Kim |
