Do you ever feel like you're at a crossroads in your life and you're just kind of stopped there looking in each direction wondering which road will take you to where you want to be and with the least trouble? You see down one road that it is pretty short and there aren't many bumps along the way to hold you up and then down another road you see lots of twists and turns and a number of things that could ultimately slow you down along your journey. Though you really want to get to the end you still wonder by taking the short route what are you over looking that you really should have done with the longer route.
I think I am at the crossroads in a way. And I think I have been standing there for sometime. Down the short road I see Lisa standing at the end and a way of getting to her relatively quickly. There isn't a whole lot standing in the path, a big hole right at the get go showing a lack of funds but there is a narrow little path that goes around the hole to show there is a way, simply sell everything though I don't think that in itself would be quite enough so the path around the hole is a bit rocky. Passed the hole is a little bump that is the working visa to get into Australia and the passport, those just slow the journey a little bit and add to the hole. Passed that is a slight twist in the road that goes around all the people I know here, it's just a small pit stop to say good-bye since the road leads back to Canada for my sister's wedding in a year. Next are a few rocky, slippery patches where insecurities lie hidden and the only way passed is to go straight through them, that's a bit more tricky but doable. I just have to keep my eyes on Lisa cause just passed this she stands with a smile on her face, tears in her eyes, and her arms spread for me to walk into. All in all a pretty short and sweet journey into the life I want. I've been looking down this road for months, just letting the hole at the beginning get bigger and final insecurities get smaller. This path though has a barricade before the hole with a sign saying closed for two months. Two obligations stand in the way which I wouldn't mind just walking around but can't do that. So I have to sit tight looking down this road for another two months, while the hole grows bigger before it starts to hopefully shrink, however if the hole starts to shrink that adds a hill after the hole in the form of a job which could probably be easily quit. Dotted through out this shorter path are a few uncertain bumps and dips of the things we can't control, as I walk over them they may slow my journey or stop my journey or just not exist when my foot steps down and at any point a new one may form as I take my step. They're unpredictable and loom like big three headed monsters that blur my view of Lisa at the end but most of the time they just disappear. I like this route, I would like it better if it was even shorter and sweeter and doable today.
Down the longer path Lisa still stands at the end but she is almost out of view due to the many twists and turns. All the same obstacles remain, but the job hill is bigger in order to make the money hole non-existent, this so I have money when I get to Australia and not just barely enough to make the flight there. With the hill being bigger and taking longer to scale, the sign on the barricade says closed for a year as it would be rather illogical to go to Australia just to have to return in a month or two for the wedding. The bump of the working visa and passport doesn't change but the twist around people gets longer and more difficult as the path doesn't lead back to Canada nearly as soon. And now instead of standing along the side of the path, people start to walk onto the path and stand in the way probably trying to tell me not to go for one reason or another. The rocky, slippery patches of insecurities is just a gentle slope as another year goes by I become another year better and above my issues. Lisa's smile waivers and her tears run down her face as one more year of distance grows intensly difficult and seeming to be never ending. Uncertain bumps and dips remain and threaten but they are much more plentiful as there is more room on the path for them to take over and to take different forms. And where the tears begin to fall as Lisa comes into view a new insecurity presents itself, after this long will all the time we spent waiting and wanting and wishing have been worth her time standing at the end of the path waiting for me?
So a crossroads, but there is another smaller crossroad within this one. The smaller one having to do with next week. I have two options, one I tell my mom I am coming home for a few days and I want to talk to her about something and then go and come out to her. But in going spend money I can't afford and is intended for bills. Or I tell my mom I can't go home because I don't have the money and once again more time passes before I have any chance of coming out to her. If I had the money there would be only one road to take and that would be home and out of the closet. If I had a way of getting home without spending money that would also leave just the one road. But I don't have the extra money and using what I do have makes the hole bigger. So what do I do? I want to tell my mom, I want to tell her now, and going home next week would give me that chance and a chance I can't get out of cause I would give her forwaring that there was something I wanted to talk about. And going home I could maybe ask to borrow some money, depending of course on how she takes my sexuality.
I've never been good with making decisions. And not only do I want to go home to tell my mom but also because my elementary school's closing ceremony is next week and I want to go to that. But are those reasons more important in the long run than managing to pay my bills. Since I do know whether I tell my mom next week or not I will tell her sooner or later, there is no doubt about that. And as for the school I haven't had anything to do with it for years and years other than to go to the playground so missing the ceremony wouldn't be a huge loss to me. But again if I don't go and tell my mom, this will keep stressing me out and depressing me.
I don't know. This all requires too much thinking and it's just not working for me right now cause I am so tired for some reason. I shouldn't be this tired it's only midnight and I've been getting enough sleep, even the nights I've stayed up really late talking to Lisa I slept in a bit to make up for it, so I shouldn't be lacking in too many hours. But I'm like dead right now. I wonder if I'm low in iron, I most likely am. Not that I'm gonna go get my blood checked or anything to find out and since it's impossible to make myself swallow pills anyway, knowing whats wrong doesn't really matter. But I think I'm gonna fall out of my chair here soon and that wouldn't be good cause I could hit my head on something and knock myself out then I wouldn't hear if Lisa signs on or calls me, whichever she does.
I so wanna hear her voice and talk to her on the phone, but right now I don't know if I could make my tongue work with my brain to speak coherently. I could just moan and groan to her, hmm she might like that, the moaning anyway, hehe. Nagh, can't do that for the first conversation and I really dont want to be this tired the first time we talk either. I'm sure I wouldn't but I would hate to somehow manage to fall asleep on her. To literally fall asleep ON her I would like, I'm waiting for the days when I can do that, sleep on her and with her and beside her and all that, but to fall asleep on her while we're on the phone that would be really bad...okay this is really pissing me off, someone has tried nine flippin' times in about the last hour to hack my computer with some kind of mac spoofing. And I think it's coming from the same destination host as the first two came from last week. What's up with that? I wonder what people tried to do or did to my computer before I had the firewall, I'm sure there must have been something, I wouldn't have been lucky enough not to have any trouble until after I am protected from it, I just get to see it now...so back to what I was saying. I wanna talk to Lisa on the phone for sure, more than most anything I want right now other than to talk to her in bed beside me but knowing that she tried last night though couldn't get through and might try again tonight is gonna have me jumping outta my skin if the phone rings cause I know it would be her, no one else would be calling me at this time or later in the night. She said the cutest thing though, that if I get a prank call it could be her hanging up cause she lost her courage to talk to me. We've spent so many hours just talking on msn about lots of different things and we are very comfortable with each other online, but I know to that if I was to try calling her I would also loose my courage. I was reaching for the phone a little while back but lost my courage before even picking it up. I'm glad she feels the same, that I'm not just being a chicken as usual. But it'll happen whether tonight or tomorrow or whenever, we'll talk on the phone just like we'll be together in person. It'll all happen for us.
Alright, I am yawning so much and can't keep my eyes open any longer. I say it is bedtime until Lisa shows up...if I can hear her sign in tonight through the deep sleep I am hoping for. The phone would still wake me though I'm sure, since it's right my by bed and head. Goodnight sweety, love you.
***Seven months today. How can it only be seven months and yet how can it already be seven months? I love you Lisa, it's been the best seven months either way.*** |
