I'm worried. I wish money could be obliterated and I could pay my rent and bills in sarcastic remarks, I'm sure I have enough of them to let me live in the ritziest place in town well into my old age and then I could also give Lisa everything she's ever wanted and everything she never knew she wanted. But right now I don't even have enough money in my bank account for my next rent let alone rent plus all the bills I have to pay before then. But between the cash I have saved at home, which wasn't supposed to be touched especially not for this, and my account I can pay one more rent. I have a feeling though, that my bills will be paid with a cash advance from my credit card...including the card payment itself. Now, how's that for logic!
Considering all this I should be a whole hell of a lot more worried than I am. I should be so worried to the point that I forget about my intimidations from the last entry and I should be going into every store and business within an hours walking distance from my place, which would be almost the whole city. But what am I doing instead? I'm sitting right by the river with a gentle breeze blowing through the trees behind me and writing this(at least I was doing that) instead of doing something about it. Stupid frustrating issues I have! If I don't find something soon, and I mean REALLY soon, I'm going to have no choice but to move back home and I have so many reasons why I absolutely hate the thought of that.
Where to begin? I guess I will start at the small and work my way up. First moving home would mean I am back living out in the boonies where I wouldn't exactly call the closest store within walking distance, biking yes, walking not really. This means that getting a job there would require depending on my mom to always give me a ride and having schedule clashes and I just don't want to be depending on my mom for that again. I feel so guilty when other people have to do things for me when I should be able to do them for myself and want to.
Next, my mom has not had the place to herself in over twenty-nine years which was when she and my dad got married and she hasn't been without kids around in over twenty-four years, so I know she was really looking forward to being alone and really enjoys it, even though I know she wouldn't be upset if I needed to go back.
Thirdly, living in my hometown really depresses me and somehow lowers my self esteem even more. I'm not sure why or how it does this but it always has. When I moved away for the first time I had never felt so good. Even going home for the weekend sometimes gets to me and when I come back here to my own place I am so happy and free. I know I don't go home to visit often enough but I can't. I'm afraid that if I moved back home after experiencing what it's really like to be alone and independant and to just be me, I think I would get more depressed than ever before. Plus me and my mom get along fine, but when I'm there she has her typical mom moods because of things I do or don't do and then I get in a funk and because of what she says I get more depressed.
I'm gay, no kidding, haha. But I really don't want to be living at home when I come out to my mom. She might want her own space to think and I know I will want my own space just to relax and not worry. If I'm living at home when I tell my mom I think it might be more awkward and maybe more difficult for her to accept if she sees me all the time and is looking for signs or seeing if/how I am different.
We have phone internet at home which means a limited amount of internet time and MSN access for me because I can't tie up the line all day and cause my mom likes to go on as well. I couldn't let that happen cause it would mean spending less real time with Lisa when I want more. I could get cable internet there but that would have to wait till I found a job and that would take a while and since it's only fair that I pay at least half of the charge since I would be on way more it wouldn't be right to ask my mom to switch to cable without me paying.
When I come out to my mom I want to tell her about Lisa at the same time and I can almost guarantee that she would only have negative comments and warnings about trusting anyone over the internet. That would all fall on deaf ears because no matter what she says, I know Lisa and I love her, but I really don't need to be hearing that 'Lisa could really be Mike' or 'I hope you would never actually agree to meet or exchange addresses.' Of course I will!
When Lisa comes here I don't want to be living with my mother, I want to live with her and be able to take her to my place so we can make it our place until we get another place that will be ours from the beginning. I don't want to have to explain to my mom why I am moving out and try to tell her I really do know what I am doing. And I don't want to be living in the same town as almost everyone I know when Lisa does come. I want to start off as just her and me so we can get comfortable with each other before we worry about who's coming to visit or whatever. I want her to meet all my family and friends but I think it would just be easier to start out without them always around us and know we can just go home and not be disturbed.
I think those are the main reasons and if I didn't have Lisa I would just go home and try to cope with the depression and everything else, but I need Lisa and the time we spend together and I just can't move home and loose some of that. So I NEED A JOB! NOW! TODAY! TOMORROW! YESTERDAY! What am I doing? I'm still just sitting here writing and when I leave here I'll go home and type this up and talk to my gurl if she's on. I have my priorities and Lisa comes first for me, but to do the things with her and for her that I want I need money, and to get money I need a job, and to get a job I need to get over my stupid issues and just do it. But I can't. I don't know how and no matter what I write about what I have to do and know I must do, it doesn't change anything. And knowing why I just can't go home but will end up going home if I don't smarten up doesn't change anything. And knowing Lisa will be here soon and I what I want here before she comes doesn't change anything either. What's wrong with me? I really would appreciate it if someone would tell me cause I just can't seem to figure it out. Though I guess I do know what's wrong I just don't do anything about it. I know the problem, I don't know the solution. Just because I can admit my issues and can write about them, doesn't do anything for fixing them or getting over them or saving my ass from being evicted when the rent don't come and the bills pile up. And here I sit, back home with my ass firmly planted on the computer chair not about to get up and do a damn thing to help my situation. Maybe I really don't know what's wrong with me, parts yes, but the whole big picture titled 'Kim's messed in the head and here's all the messed reasons why' yeah, I haven't seen that picture yet. I wonder when they will be showing it in the art gallery so I can find out my problem...problems. I won't be so naive as to say I only have one problem, nono, I have lots and you know what, they're all in my damn head. It's my thinking, my worrying, my brain, it's got nothing to do with the outside world and how it really is, just how it is in my head. Is there such a thing as a thought transplant?...other than like brain washing, I'm sure I would wind up with just as many problems if I went for that. Maybe hypnotism would work...is there really anything to that though? I'm not sure, maybe just a good smack with a large fish would smarten me up, or at least just leave stinky fish scale marks on me and then I would know why people laughed at me if they did. Hell, I'd probably laugh at myself.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I wonder what it would be like to be homeless. To just live on the street, sleep in the park, carry your few belongings around in a ratty old bag. I think it would be an interesting experience, but an experience I can live without personally knowing. Other than my few little issues, since in the whole scheme of things they are pretty insignificant I suppose, I really like my life, I could almost call it perfect. The distance between me and Lisa I don't like but I know that will change soon enough and that we will be great together. I love having my own place and I will love even more having a place with Lisa. I know the career I want, though insecurities have got me there to. I love the future that I see and the parts of the future that are still uncertain. I really do like my life, how it's going, where it's going, I just get caught up in my issues and my need for a solution sometimes. But I REALLY need a solution to the job/money problem. I hate feeling this way about money, I hate money and I hate that the entire world revolves around it and depends on it to survive. How did it become so important for us to rely on little pieces of paper and metal, how can our lives, our survival depend on such things. If you don't have it you're liable to starve, freeze, be sick and be homeless. If you do have it you can buy food, have heat, go to the doctors, have a home, and you can waste it on insignificant things, throw it in the face of those less fortunate, and flaunt what it can buy. I don't get it. I really don't. And it adds to my issues so it annoys me even more. |
