I let too many people and too many things intimidate me. I blame a lot of my insecurities on my self esteem and being so self conscious, but I think what it mainly is, is the intimidation and the feeling of being inferior. Maybe those are a result of my low self esteem and self consciousness or maybe they are the cause, I'm not sure. It's like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg? It takes one to get the other but which makes which?
There is so much in my life that I have not done when I should have, when I could have, when I really wanted to, or when I needed to because I feel this way. I feel all the time that what I do I will be laughed at for or that what I say I will be thought less of for. I don't talk much to people, even friends and family, because of this, because of the ways they could turn what I say into a joke whether playfully or otherwise. Through most of highschool my friendships were based around humourous insults and the attempt to out do each other with our quip remarks and sly comments. I did my fair share in the game. I seemed to always find a burn that wouldn't scar my friends but would leave them sizzling. We laughed, we joked, and we had a good time doing it, but all those little comments just left me worse off and thinking, even now that our friendships are based on actual friendship, that the past will return and with each thing I say a new burn will be headed my way. The phone also intimidates me and leaves me finding excuses not to make a call when I really should and want to. I just don't know what to say on the phone and am always thinking, because all the other person has is my voice to judge my feelings, that they will hear something that I don't even know is there and isn't good.
For all of my childhood and some of my teen years I was continually mistaken for a boy because of my short hair and the fact that I hadn't filled out yet - not that I would really call this filled out either, haha. I laughed it off, of course, and said 'oh, it's all right' when they realized their mistake, sometimes even saying I was used to it so they would feel better about their blunder, but when your identity is always being taken from you just as you're at the age of really discovering your identity it makes it difficult to laugh it off on the inside or to forget it as soon as they walk away, especially when you are called a boy in the presence of many others who think it is quite enjoyable. And it is is by far not something to easily get used to.
This is also partly why I am not a real girly-girl, doing all the regular girl things. If I wear makeup, or dresses, or even pluck my eyebrows I know there will be some 'humourous' comment directed at me, maybe for once 'wow, you look like a girl!' but a remark like that, which would reach my ears in a sarcastic, mocking tone, though not intended to hurt, would. When I told friends about having to wear a dress at my sister's wedding I moaned and groaned about it and made it seem like this horrible thing because I knew that comments were coming, the 'I'm gonna have to get a picture of this!' or 'Kim...in a dress?' Had I told them that in a way I am looking forward to wearing the dress I know the comments would have been a lot more in number and a lot more sarcastic. Even in here in the wedding entry I made it seem that the dress was this death warrant and made my own sarcastic jokes about it. But it really isn't as bad as I say it is, in a way I want to wear the dress and 'look' like a girl and maybe even feel like one. Though, I'm still not saying I would start wearing dresses afterwards, I'm too lazy to mind the way I sit so I don't give a peep show and jeans are just much more comfortable, not to mention I am still self conscious whether I want to wear the dress or not. Of the people that I've told about wearing a dress, only two have said nice encouraging things that I know held no sarcasm. One was Lisa who always knows just what to say and the other was an online friend that only knows bits and pieces about me. The people I've known much longer than Lisa and the other girl just made me dread that one night where I will look and act like a girl.
For the past while I have been taking around resumes as I am in dire need of a job. I should be going absolutely everywhere possible but I pass by more stores then I go in because of the person who I have to give the resume to or because there are too many people in the store or not enough. I'm intimidated by them all, thinking some how in just giving my resume I will make a fool of myself and I will leave the store, turning the corner as I hear everyone burst out in uncontrollable laughter. Sounds ridiculous I know, but most of the reasons I feel the way I do are ridiculous. I admit it, but it doesn't mean I can change it or change the way I think. I walk passed stores feeling stupid for letting thoughts of what strangers could think intimidate me, and I tell myself they don't care and that I am letting my thoughts and not them intimidate me. I tell myself I NEED a job and to stop acting like an idiot and turn around, walk in the store and confidently hand my resume over...I continue walking and do the same passed the next however many stores before I find a second where I smarten up and drop my resume off only to be told that they aren't hiring because business is slow or because they already hired. There have been a few places where I finally got my nerve to go inside and found out that while I was still just walking passed the store telling myself to go in, I could have had a chance to be working there now instead of looking, not finding, and freaking out when I look at my bank balance, which, by the way, also intimidates me. Or maybe it is the number of bills that I have in comparison to the dwindling number in my account that really intimidates me.
Cooking around people intimidates me to. If I burn something or what I make tastes really horrific when I am alone it doesn't matter, no one is here to laugh or joke that I should become a chef or something. But if someone is around I will more likely to go hungry or find some already prepared snack to munch on then I am to whip out the pots and cook up a seven course meal.
Driving really intimidates and scares me and I've only told Lisa why. I want to get passed this so I can drive, I want to drive, but again I know if I do I will hear more things that I am sick of hearing.
My most ridiculous intimidator is my reflection. Yes, I'm intimidated by my very own reflection. How is that for sense? This though, goes back more to my self esteem and self consciousness. For a long time I didn't like who was looking back at me but I am better with this, actually I am a whole lot better, though it still gets to me sometimes. I can't really explain it cause it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me either.
Only one person, of everyone I know and everyone I don't know, doesn't intimidate me in even the smallest of ways, she being Lisa. I know I can tell her things that anyone else would find some sarcastic remark for and laugh, but when Lisa laughs I know she's laughing with me and not laughing at me. Even if she says something sarcastic it make me see the humour, unlike when others only make me see the stupidity. Though I'm not intimidated by Lisa herself, I am by somethings in our relationship, but only because I want everything to be perfect for us. Standing in the airport waiting for her to get off the plane intimidates me, like she said it's not everyday you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Holding her for the first time intimidates me, I will know in that moment that my life is complete. Looking in her eyes for the first time intimidates me, I will know in that look that I have everything I ever dreamed of and more. Kissing her for the first time intimidates me, I will know in that kiss that the dream is a reality and I can stopping worrying I will wake up and she'll be gone. And making love to Lisa for the first time intimidates me, because she will be the first, last and only person I ever want to be with. Even with these intimidations I know that everything will be perfect because Lisa will be there feeling these things with me and taking away all thoughts of fear and all insecurities. That in itself is intimidating and totally powerful to know that there is someone out there that could make everything inside me feel good with just a simple 'hiya' or a smile, even when I've yet to see her smile. And it's for her that I want to get passed all my other ridiculous intimidations and insecurities, but right now I don't know how, they have been inside me for so long I don't know if they will ever be completely out. But I know even if they are with me always, Lisa will remain the one who encourages me and makes me laugh when no one else can or does.
******
I wrote this sitting at a park overlooking the city, with the sun lowering in the sky and music coming from the surrounding cars. It was absolutely gorgeous and peaceful. I wish Lisa could have been there sitting beside me, laying beside me. I will definately take her up there when she comes and we can watch the sunset together. |
