Okay, this is gonna sound really weird but it just donned on me that I'm a lesbian. LOL seeing it written there makes it seems even stranger than just thinking it. I don't mean to say I didn't know, I mean come on I have a girlfriend who I am totally in love with. It's just, I don't spend all my time thinking of my sexuality or thinking my love isn't the 'norm.' This has happened a few times before, I'm just sitting around maybe reading an email from my gurl and then it clicks that me - girl, love her - girl. Okay this explaining thing isn't working for me, I'm still weird. See the thing is through all my life I haven't really done much of anything that could be seen as different or as going against what was expected of me and now being a lesbian probably goes against everything that was/is expected of me. Whether good or bad, it's just different for me to think that I'm doing something that could I guess be seen as rebelling or whatever. Not that this was a choice, but even so, I'm a girl in love with a girl and when I look at it that way it just kind of surprises me...in a really good way. I'm finally doing something in my life that makes me happy without caring what other people think and I'm doing this for me and not someone else. Is this making any sense?
So I'm a lesbian, I can say it no problem and I love that I love women and I love that I love one woman in particular and I wouldn't change my sexuality for anything, no matter what could happen because of it, but I don't spend all my days thinking that I am different from anyone else or that I'm in love with a girl. I spend my days thinking about how much I love Lisa and how much I want Lisa with me. I don't love Lisa because of her sexuality, I don't love her because she is a girl, I love her because she is Lisa, I love her because of who she is and not because of what she is. Being lesbian is who we are not what we are, it's just something that helps make us, us. So when I think in strict terms of me lesbian, she lesbian, me girl, she girl, me love girl, girl loves me, it just...I don't know...clicks that the people I know and knew wouldn't have foreseen this in my future, they would have seen me walking down the aisle in a white dress to stand beside my soon to be husband and I'd be popping out a kid or two and living in a nice little house somewhere and we would be Mr. and Mrs. (insert husbands name here). And now I will be walking down the aisle with my wife, raising and loving children not of my blood, living in a house I build with my love and we will be Mrs. and Mrs. (I'm not sure what we'll have in this part). I like this version of my future so much better. And I could never picture myself as the Mrs. in a Mr. and Mrs. marriage. That's even weirder than it donning on me that I'm a lesbian, haha.
Even growing up, before all that time questioning, I never really pictured being a happy little wife to a man. That's not to say I never thought about guys, I did, and I thought what it would be like to love a guy, but in the dreams or fantasies or whatever they were I can't remember actually dreaming of being married to one and I know I never dreamed about my wedding. I never even thought, like really seriously thought about my wedding until after meeting Lisa. I never thought about what kind of wedding I wanted or where I wanted to raise my family or how many kids I wanted. All I knew was I wanted to live in Australia (seriously before Lisa I was already wanting to live there) but there was never a thought of living there with a husband and I knew I wanted to adopt kids instead of give birth but I never thought about there being a husband that would also have to want to adopt instead of 'make' kids. There was a lot of stuff I never thought about before Lisa and now I've thought about it all and I want it all, like right NOW! Hmm, that sounds a bit impatient, haha. I know we will be together, I have absolutely no doubt about that and I would wait forever for her, I just don't want to wait. I want to spend every possible second, every possible nano-second with her and not just waiting and hoping. I want to be able to walk into our home and hear her in the other room talking to Jazz, I want to be able to walk into our bedroom and see her clothes, I want to be able to walk into our bathroom and see her hairbrush, I want to be able to walk into our kitchen and see her dishes in the sink, I want to be able to walk into our livingroom and see HER just sitting, sleeping, talking, laughing, smiling, walking to me to take me in her arms and kiss me. I don't want it to be me and her anymore, I want it to be us and we, I want to be a wife to my wife and that's all there is to it. Funny how I've thought about all this and want all this and yet it's a little weird when I actually think that I'm a lesbian. But titles don't matter, call me a dyke for all I care - well actually don't I might have to kick your ass if you do - but I mean that the title or the little category that my sexuality places me in doesn't matter, all that matters is that I am in love with Lisa and Lisa is in love with me and it's a soul connection and not a sexuality connection.
I just have one question, if in the tiniest of possibilities that we don't work out who gets custody of the heart and who gets custody of the soul? Do we go for shared custody, two weeks on and two weeks off, or do we stay together for the sake of the heart and soul. I can see you smiling at this, thinking I'm joking but I'm 100% serious...well maybe not quite that much it is rather funny, but for real it's like we share one heart and one soul and if we don't for some reason work out what do we do because we are so deeply connected? Aggh, but I'm sure that we will be poufect together living in our castle in the clouds and our heart and soul are safe being shared between us.
Well I best be getting, I'm sure there is something else I should be doing, like eating or working on my novel or sitting around hoping you will come on tonight. I love you Lisa more than I thought possible and more than I can say with words. And I love my baby Jazz to, she is in my heart always. |
