My sister is engaged. The day I came out to her and Bill, they told me that they were going to get engaged it just wasn't official yet. They both knew he was going to ask and she was going to say yes and the wedding would be next summer, but since they only started dating in november or december my sister wanted to wait a bit longer before they actually got engaged. But then a girl that Bill knew, who was younger than my sister, died and Carleen got to thinking that life is too short to wait, which I agree. So she told Bill that whenever he wanted to ask her, to go ahead. And he did...the next day. She's so happy and I'm so happy for her, for them. I think they are great together and she feels about him the way I feel about Lisa, like she's know him forever.
I'm not a real big fan of weddings. The whole dressing up and dancefloor thing just isn't for me. But...big but...for my sister's wedding I think that might all change. First of all, I'm a bride's maid which means I have to wear a dress. And if you know me, you know I don't don't don't wear dresses. I'm sure it's been over ten years since the last time I wore a dress. I wore pants to grad, nice pants but they were still pants. All the previous weddings I've gone to I've worn pants or a few times a skort, which wasn't exactly my cup of tea either. I'm not sure why I am so against dresses, I wear shorts so it's not like I don't want to show off my legs or anything. I'm just totally self conscious and don't do well with real girl things - makeup I've never worn, plucking eyebrows noppers, nailpolish twice - I'm not butch, I'm not femme, I'm just me, and me don't like that. But for my sister's wedding I said I would, of course, I'm not going to say I won't be her bride's maid just because of a dress, it won't kill me...just maybe maime and scar me for life, haha. So I have been committed to wearing a dress about a year from now, I figure it'll take about that long to get used to the idea. But that doesn't mean I will start wearing dresses after that night, nope I highly doubt that'll be happening, but who knows stranger things have happened. Wait I think I fibbed a bit a few sentences back, the last time I willingly wore a dress for longer than a minute would have been more than ten years ago. But for grad I actually did try one on, reluctantly but I did. And I may have tried on more if not for what my mom said, which I won't go into here. But I didn't really appreciate her comment, specially when she said it in ear shot of about ten other people so that was the end of that. I took off the dress and refused to try on any others and I got my pants. Other than that it's been a long time since I willingly wore a dress.
The second thing that could change my other wedding dislike, the dreaded dancefloor, is the fact that there's a good chance Lisa will be here and be there. I'm not real big on dancing, another self conscious thing, it's not that I dance like Elaine from Seinfeld but I'm also not the world's best dancer so I pretty much have avoided it. I did go to some of the school dances in grade eleven and twelve but we always danced in a group and I still didn't really like it. But if Lisa is at my sister's wedding, I think I might like dancing. I mean any excuse to hold my gurl in my arms and feel her body moving with mine, yup pretty sure I'd like that. And slow dancing I like more than faster dances, then you just kinda sway and move your feet back and forth and it's more to hold the person than to really shake your booty and show your moves. It's when I'm dancing alone but surrounded by people that I get nervous. With Lisa's arms around me, it'll be just the two of us in the room as everyone else will just fade into the background.
I'm actually looking forward to a wedding, a wedding where I have to wear a dress, this is weird. This of course means I most definately have to be out to family so I don't shock the shoes off them when they see me dancing and getting all lovey with Lisa. I so very much want to be able to kiss her in front of everyone, my mom, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and not have it be awkward for them and I know I DO NOT want to have to hide my love for her or sneak off outside to steal some kisses because I'm still cowaring in the closet. But that's not gonna happen because I will be out long before my sister's wedding, though I guess a lot may find out that night cause I probably wont see them before, but that can't be helped. I'll just introduce Lisa to them as my girlfriend before I start kissing her out on the dancefloor. But my mom will know for sure, hopefully she will know soon, as for the rest of the extended family I won't make a special point of going to each to tell them. I know I will be the topic of many conversations but I love Lisa and Lisa loves me and that's all that counts. My one aunt in particular, my mom's sister, talks about everyone in the family, if you're not sitting at the table then you're liable to be talked about, so I'm sure my love life will be discussed over many a coffee and then again over lunch. My uncle, my mom's brother, I think will be completely against me. Since he married his wife he's become quite religious and strict and I'm sure being a lesbian kinda goes against everything in his mind. I'll give you a few examples, growing up my aunt had to rip out the bra section of catalogues so their four boys didn't see them. Two of the boys come from my aunts previous marriages and one of them just got married last week, my uncle almost didn't go which would have prevented my aunt from going to her own son's wedding because my uncle can't deal with the idea that there were other men in my aunts life before HIM, even though he was with another women for like ten years before her. HE couldn't handle seeing my cousin's real dad at the wedding because it would just be too painful for HIM. HE won't let my aunt talk about her past, including friends and family, because HE doesn't want to have to think she had a life before HIM. When my cousin, the married one, moved to live with his real dad when he was sixteen my uncle was really hurt and my aunt wrote in a letter just recently that 'STU(uncle) felt betrayed because Mike still felt an obligation to his real dad' that's not word for word but you get the gist. And when the boys were younger my Grandma bought them a video, one where the girl is the hero and is independant and strong, well the boys weren't aloud to watch it because it sent the wrong message, or something like that. So there you go, me+lesbian+girlfriend+dancing at wedding+kissing=wrong message gonna give everyone lesbo cooties and they'll all catch my disease...or so he may think that anyway. I don't know, I might be wrong, he just comes across as the homophobic-stay away from me and my family-I don't want to know how you are sinning-you're going to burn in hell-if my kid turns out gay it's all your fault and I will shoot your head off with my police issued gun kinda guy. You know what I mean? But you know what, I don't give a rat's ass what he thinks or if I'm the topic of conversation, I am going to do whatever I want to do and whatever is in my heart and Lisa is everything to me and nothing is gonna change that. Her name is engraved on my soul and forever it shall be.
I love you babygurl, please come and be my date at the wedding and we'll show them all what love is. |
