some entries have been taken from various diaries of mine
Frankly, I enjoy this time. I think silence heals the soul, mine at least. Just sitting on the floor, my back against the wall, the cool draft from the window brushing against my neck, and an absolute lack of physical movement.
I could do this all day, but I get interrupted with questions of what's wrong, or am I bored. I guess that is good though. If I was allowed enough time, I could sink so deeply into my world that I wouldn't want to return to the real world.
Even when I just sit staring at the wall or the floor my mind is never still nor silent. I am thinking about life, love, career, school, or dreaming, or the more likely choice, I am in my fantasyland. Can never get enough of that.
If you've never just sat in the dark, in the silence, just sat there, and let your mind wonder where it pleased, then you really should try it. It's a really relaxing experience, a cleansing, healing process, sort of similar to meditation I suppose but I've never been good at getting my ankles crossed onto my thighs, leaning against the wall is a lot simpler.
Staring out the window is great to. Watching the clouds move across the brilliant blue sky, seeing birds flying through the sky wishing I was one of them soaring through the warm, fresh air. Being powered by my own endurance, pushed along by the breeze, discovering every moment a new scene below, watching as people watch me, wondering what they are thinking, feeling their eyes on me as I circle overheard. Would they wish they were me, that they could just spread their wings and fly wherever they wanted, to be free and alive, no worries. To fly to the ocean and watch the waves crash against the shore, to fly to the mountains and feel the air become thinner as the peak is reached, to fly across the country, over fields and valleys, lakes and streams, cities and towns, plains and forests, just fly for the joy of flying, fly because I can, because I have no where to be and no one to see, fly because I want a change or because I want familiarity; fly for release, escape, love, happiness. Just fly.
Life should be so simple as to spread your wings and conquer the air. I read a quote today "reach for the moon because even if you don't make it, you'll still be among stars" I really like that.
We had a debate is Stan's class today. I was on the side saying information is garbage, I kind of agree but I didn't get my point across when it was my turn. Everything sounds so much better when it's in my head, it looses something in verbal translation. I'm sure hating public speaking and getting flustered by it doesn't exactly help. I wish I would get over this silence and just talk more in general. I can sit and listen to others talk back and forth for hours but the extent of my talking in that time lasts only minutes. What's wrong with me? I have opinions but I don't speak up - homosexuality is actually the only time when I do - but most times I just don't have the stories or tid bits of information that everyone else seems to have.
I don't think I was always like this, I'm sure I talked a lot to Mary-Ann, we got in trouble in class because we talked when we weren't supposed to. Where did that part of me go. Grade eight everything changed. It can't just be a result of going to a bigger school and loosing Mary-Ann, can it? I just don't have the answers that I'm looking for. Oh, well, it's just another thing that makes me me, no point fretting about it. Some people don't know when to be quiet and some don't know when to talk, I'm just the latter which is better than being the first in my opinion.