Coming Out Stories
2002-01-04
I began slowly, just with a question. Was there ever something she wanted to tell someone but didn't know how? After that I couldn't go any further. I hadn't even gotten close and already I chickened out. Silence filled the room and she fell asleep on the futon, my thoughts and self contempt boiling in my mind. Finally, I got up and went down to my room to discover Lisa online. We talked for a while about my struggles. Talking to her gave me the courage and incentive that I needed.
My roommate woke about an hour later and came online. We talked on MSN just about regular stuff but after a little while I asked if we could talk upstairs, this time I wasn't backing down. Between my room and the stairs I was fine, I was confident and ready. Climbing up the stairs though I again lost my nerve because I was thinking too much about how I was going to say it. When I reached the top she was there waiting for me. Thinking she had done something wrong to upset me or hurt me she asked what she had done. That brief pause from my thoughts calmed me a bit. I assured her she had done nothing, that what I wanted to talk about was all me.
She sat on the futon, wondering. I sat on the floor, back against the wall, worrying. Thinking, how can I take these words running through my head and release them to fill the ears of my friend and roommate? Fear ran through me, too many thoughts taking my nerves away - you will see a recurring theme through these stories. She sat in silence, her eyes on me, a store flyer forgotten in her hands.
I began with a suggestion from my girlfriend. 'What I want to say may shock you or it may not, but no one else knows so I need you to keep it to yourself for now.' She agreed, her eyes still on me and I froze, I couldn't go on. Her eyes felt like they were buring into me, already able to see what I wanted to say. Fear, too much fear. I told her just to read her flyer, but to not let me get away without telling her. She looked to the flyer. I wonder what she was thinking in that time, half way to my coming out and she was told to read a flyer.
So we sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked around the room, pretty much anywhere but directly at her. I don't remember what I was thinking but it was probably just the usual 'Come on, you can do it. Just say it, "I'm gay." Come on!' After what seemed like forever I turned to her. 'Okay' brief pause, she looked at me. 'I'm gay.' I was so nervous, I'm sure my voice was shaking, the rest of me was. 'Okay,' she said. She seemed to smile as if not quite believing me or was putting on an act. I know she wasn't though.
I think I asked her if she was alright with it. 'Yeah, are you alright with it?' I never expected to be asked if I was fine with my own sexuality. It was weird being asked if I was alright, I was so concerned about others not accepting me that I didn't think they might be wondering if I accepted it myself. Of course I do and I told her I was fine, but I didn't want her pretending that she was if she wasn't. And if she had any questions or anything she wanted to say then to please do so.
She told me she really was fine, that she did know others like me. What she said next blew me away. 'I love you for who you are, not who you date.' Though I was already crying a bit, more from finally saying it and all the pent up stress and frustration being released through those two little words, her comment made me cry even more. In thinking about coming out I had never really thought about how it could be taken well, that people may not care that I like girls and that they would accept me without a second thought. I had run over and over in my head what I could say if they had questions, how I could explain further hoping to make them accept me. I had prepared for the worst and forgot to think about the good...but that didn't do much to change my thinking for telling others.